30th birthday or friend's wedding?

With that in mind OP I would then decline the invitation, explain that it's your fiances big birthday and you have a date clash. Buy her a nice present and wish her well (which, if she is a good friend but not a best friend, should be truthful and easy to do). You are genuinely sorry to miss the wedding but your fiance, your family come first.

This seems the governing factor: She's not being particularly accommodating with the invitation - no children and no wedding breakfast.

So I imagine a "love to be there, but" note should suffice. Otherwise she is not as good a friend as you think. I am struck when reading many questions here how little the word friend seems to mean nowadays.

Well I'm older than you and know what I did for 21 family dinner, 30 night away with pals, 40 night with DH.

My mums 50 was same month as my 21 and she got a 50th badge but it wasn't a big thing. I've zero recollection of my Dads who would have been a few years older.

I'm more shocked that your friend invited you to the ceremony and evening reception but not the part in the middle! That's absurd.

A wedding trumps a birthday, imo.

You only turn 30 once. I think the decision is clear.

Really? I'm mid 40s and it wasn't a thing whereas 40th has always been a big deal.

We have a big family and often have stuff clashing so we often celebrate birthdays another day. Weddings you can't move however.

I don't think I'd be attending the wedding anyway, purely on the basis that your friend will obviously know how far you have to travel and you aren't included in the whole event. Having separate wedding breakfast and evening guests is one thing that has always baffled me, surely a wedding celebration should include friends and family to all celebrate together. I find it strange.
Enjoy your and fiances gathering with your own family as your friend is clearly doing the same!

I'd be happy to move my birthday celebration to another day, especially as there is plenty of notice as to not to double book any plans.

What would matter to me, is that the dilemma was acknowledged and my important date wasn't easily pushed aside, which your post proves isn't the case.

Lots of people consider birthdays ending in a zero as big. I appreciate on MN birthdays are only for children under 9 and anyone who cares about them is self absorbed and pathetic but go to any card / gift shop and it's clear people consider the decades as "special"

3 hours travel, and having to feed yourself in-between means I'd be wanting to stay over, possibly both nights!! So if you could go as a family, I'd be happy to go over my birthday. But no kids means you're asking a lot of someone re childcare. Decline, say you have birthday plans and then go out and do something fabulous

Probably about 25 years ago.
I remember celebrating mine and friends. But I know 10 years earlier was my Mums 50th which wasn't really a big thing.

And I have zero recollection of my Dads 50th so it must have been a non-event.

When did 30 become a big birthday?

I might have been team wedding if you had been invited to the meal, but to travel 3 hours and not be given a meal is rude. You would not be unreasonable to decline. Try to discuss it with the bride if you can, say how sorry you are to miss it. Give plenty of notice and be very clear in communicating your decision, changing your mind at the last minute is the last thing you want to do.

She's made it easy for you to say you can't go.

Ignore the date clash: You're not invited to everything so it'll mean a nightmare of a couple of hours in-between. And you'll have to find childcare.

I'll expect some mumsnetterers to say "Oh but I love a swan round Tesco[1] in my wedding outfit and heels"

[1] Other shops are available, but it maybe its in the middle of nowhere so a complete and utter ball ache.

I wouldn’t go to a wedding where I was only invited to the ceremony and evening do and expected to kill the time in between, plus that was so far away and my kids were excluded and on my OH birthday.
It’s fine to politely decline.

Lots of people seem to have stated/assumed that the OP is being discriminated against, not being invited to the meal. However, OP's post clearly states that it is family only meal (unusual to be sure). But it is not that other friends are invited to the meal, but not her? No children weddings also not unusual at all.. Birthdays being important for adults? Weird.

I think they are different issues though.
In my opinion, choosing not to go to a wedding because it’s a long way away and child free and no wedding breakfast is a good reason. But it sounds like the OP would like to attend on this basis nevertheless. I would too for a good friend.

choosing not to go because it’s your partner’s birthday is a poor reason in my opinion.

Exactly this. The bride knows the OPs family and home situations, yet made these conditions part of the invitation.I don’t think she expects the OP to accept the invitation but is angling for a wedding present.

@Abcxyz123user

I do agree with you there, the other requirements of the wedding are unreasonable. The only evening guests we had at our wedding were work colleagues who both lived nearby and wouldn't have expected an invite at all.

I should have made it clearer I meant the principle of choosing a birthday over a wedding.

Do posters have problem understanding in the context? How can you miss 3 hours to wedding venue, not being invited to the meal and children not allowed?

But you can't be upset if you didn't bother inviting friend to wedding breakfast and expected her to fill hours until reception twiddling thumbs when the said friend travelled 3 hours one way, leaving small kids behind because you had no kids rule.

A birthday can be celebrated the day before or after. I never understand adults who make a big deal about their birthdays like big kids.

However the wedding sounds a pita with such a big gap in between celebrations.

Twh friend isn't allowed to be hurt, since the.wedding is child free, 3 hours away, and they're not invited to the meal!!

This. What a weird way of doing the wedding.

I don't agree with evening guests anyway, I feel like it's a 2nd tier kind of thing, but, if you've invited someone for the ceremony, then they stay for the meal! Otherwise where are they meant to go??

I actually think it’s ridiculous to miss a good friends wedding because it’s your partners 30th birthday, I’d just celebrate the weekend after. HOWEVER I also wouldn’t attend a wedding 3 hours away where I was excluded from dinner!! That’s absolute madness!!
Travel all that way and then go get a pizza whilst everyone else eats, that’s wild!!