30th birthday or friend's wedding?

I would normally say a wedding trumps a birthday, any birthday, but this wedding seems to be particularly awkward, 3 hours away, no kids, and a big gap in the middle of the day to twiddle your thumbs. Is this a thing now, guests being left out of the middle bit? It seems very rude to me. Would it be feasible to go to the wedding, (assuming you can get someone to take the dc) you and fiance have a lovely meal together during the gap bit, then stay the night. If you have no childcare the wedding set up is a massive pain in the arse and I would decline.

I'd ask your fiancé and go by what they want to do.

If I were the fiancée I'd want to go to the wedding, and go out for a nice meal/celebration with future DH while the family are having the wedding breakfast you aren't invited to.

And have another celebration on a different day, with friends. It doesn't have to be on the actual birthday.

FWIW for my 30th DH and I just about managed a couple of hours together for a dinner out down the road as DD1 was about seven weeks old at the time!

I don't think you can expect people to travel for a wedding if you aren't even going to feed them! That's shocking to me. What are you supposed to do in the middle of the day? I would definitely decline unless you could make a minibreak out of it as a previous poster suggested.

I actually agree with this! Birthdays are every year and can be celebrated a day/week before/after. The wedding is hopefully a one off. Having a birthday at a wedding would be fun.

Your fiancé's simple family party sounds great . Being half invited to a wedding not so good. Ceremony and evening only seems really mean especially as its not local .

Celebrate his birthday the weekend before or weekend after.

I don't get adults who stamp their feet about the precise date of their birthday celebration. The date doesn't matter. The birthday celebration can be moved, the wedding can't be. You can do both!

As you're not invited to the whole day, I wouldn't be travelling that far, I would spend it celebrating fiancé's birthday.

Well, they can´t even be bothered to feed you and it is 3 hours away! No, I would decline and organize the birthday.

Immature to want to spend it with his children. That's a first on MN.

Also if I was being asked to compromise my own celebration the least I'd want is being fed

I think your fiance is selfish for not being willing to celebrate his birthday a day earlier or later to let you go to the wedding.

I think your friend is selfish expecting you to drive two small children 3 hours to sit outside the ceremony with your fiance while you attend, followed by an afternoon of entertaining yourselves in Bumfuck, Blankshire, then an evening reception sans fiance and children and a three hour drive home. Or you driving yourself 3 hours there and 3 hours back and doing the whole day on your own.

I'd be tempted to tell everyone to bog off and book myself into a spa for the weekend.

Unless as a previous poster suggested the wedding is somewhere really nice that your fiance and you could the turn the weeked into a mini-break to celebrate his birthday.

I really couldn't get worked up about this. We always postpone birthday celebrations to the closest weekend so I'd just do that. I'd be disappointed if I was your friend to be honest. I think it's a lovely thing to do on a birthday and just celebrate the next day. She's a good friend, I would absolutely go.

Really is a though one. as i understand ur DH side but let's be realistic a birthday is only another day, what does it matter if it's 30 or 31? next year you will have the same day to celebrate. Your friends wedding never again in your life you will have the opportunity to celebrate. And if she thinks anything like this she will always hold a grudge on how good of a friend you actually are. Because not attend her only day just to spend it with ur DH probably doing what u can do in a normal day and probably not doing nothing special anyway it's a bit grim. But i understand him wanting to stay with the family that's lovely, but he's got next year and you can even celebrate the day after. the wedding you will lose forever. in the end of the day will always be your choice, but if ur friend gets upset with you it's understandable.

I think that's the only possible way to attend, and just for ceremony, but only do it if it genuinely appeals to you and your dp!

If you were invited to the whole wedding, I'd prioritise that

But, since you're not, I think you have more freedom to do what you want

I think your fiance IBU to pressure you

I would decline the wedding because your children aren't welcome. Send a card.

I was team wedding until I read about not being invited to the meal. Is this a thing?! I'd decline and go have a lovely day with your OH and kids instead.

Fiance seems pretty immature and self-centred, insisting the day is all about him when you could very easily just do his birthday celebrations a day early or late, and go to the wedding as well.

But it's up to you, OP. A wedding invitation is just that, you don't have to go and you can't expect your friend to give a shit if her day falls on some randomer's birthday.

And how would you sort childcare etc anyway?

Team birthday, and no guilt required. The lunch is for family only I.e. family comes first I.e. why not put your family first too?! The logistics of you, or you and your dp trying to attend the wedding are ridiculous. Send a nice card and gift and don't stress it.

I'm not sure why you'd be shocked that the wedding was on your fiancé's birthday.

I'd be reluctant to go to a wedding like that regardless of birthdays, especially if it was far away "please come to our wedding but go away and entertain yourself for a few hours in the middle"

Even ignoring the birthday bit.

A childfree wedding in which you have to occupy yourself for hours in the middle of the day,

This. I just do not understand this thing about not feeding people. If they're important enough to be at the ceremony then they're important enough to give a plate of food to!

Especially if it's miles away, what are you supposed to do for this bit?

If your friend is getting married in a nice location then I may be tempted to book a night or two in an AirBnB and only go to the ceremony. I'd then do something nice as a family in the afternoon to celebrate your DP's birthday.

If it is somewhere that isn't worth visiting then I'd just not go...

I'd choose the wedding personally.