30th birthday or friend's wedding?

Ohhh I must have skim read. That is mega weird and rude

I'd normally say a wedding trumps a birthday but it's his 30th so it's a special one and he won't be with the kids if you go. I think unreasonable to say for example oh it's DH's 31st birthday so we can't attend but definitely not unreasonable to say you'll be doing something special with family and the kids as it's his 30th. I wouldn't expect anyone to celebrate a milestone birthday at my wedding. Not unless they were a close family member or a best friend and we'd make the whole weekend into a celebration for them too but the whole set up of the day is awkward for you so definitely not.

She doesn’t even have a full invite. Just an evening invite. Evening invites are never that close to you. I had some at my wedding and would not have been at all offended if they chose a milestone birthday instead. It’s not the same as a full day invite.

Read the OP again. No nice meal for the OP at wedding. The Bride & Groom are putting family first, and so should the OP.

There isn’t a meal. OP would be kicked out until they’d finished their grub

Just send a reply " we will be thinking of you on your big day. Sadly the date clashes with John's big birthday but hope to catch up to see pics etc"
And don't give it another thought!

If she really wanted you to come you’d have a full day invite. She gave you an evening invite for a wedding that’s hours away. She’s the rude one. An evening wedding invite does not trump a milestone birthday.

If the sexes were reversed and the OP came on saying “My DH wants me to attend a wedding of his friend on my 30th without my kids, and we will be travelling 3 hours and won’t even be getting fed” she wouldn’t be called immature, she’d be told to LTB and that he is abusive

I agree with this. Nearly 4 hours to kill far from home and having to find somewhere to eat. No thanks.

I'm way more in this camp

Oh even just go to the evening do rather than the ceremony.

Weddings trump birthdays. A one-off always trumps something that a) happens every year and b) can be celebrated on another day close by. That's a no-brainer to me.

This particular wedding does sound a bit annoying where you don't get fed properly so not attending because you're not invited to the whole thing anyway wouldn't be unreasonable. Don't make that decision anything to do with someone else's birthday though. That's weird.

I’m just picturing 40 pleb-assigned members of the wedding party gathering in McDonald’s so they get fed while The Family get a 3 course meal 🤣

I'm usually in the wedding trumps birthday camp. But who invites people to the ceremony and evening, but not a meal in the middle? Bizarre and rude - I would be inclined not to attend at all on principle.

Birthday totally aside, I'd decline the wedding purely on basis of the ridiculous 'come to the ceremony and the evening but not the middle bit' invitation. This might just be ok if you lived locally to the wedding but to expect guests to travel hours to do that is wildly self-centred.

Don't go to the wedding. Spend the day with your fiance. In my book, a 30th birthday trumps a wedding - especially a milestone birthday like a 30th. Your fiance is your closest and most important person, and I think you should put him first.

If it were going to be a fun wedding to go to then I'd think your fiance a bit joyless especially as it sounds like you don't already have plans.

But as it doesn't sound like either of you is excited about attending then decline with a clear conscience.

I'm not sure why you were shocked that she didn't remember or know your fiancé's 30th.

I'd attend the wedding and celebrate in a much more wholesale with your fiancé the nearest free day.

Close enough to be a part of the bridal party and children invited = I'd attend the wedding and hold a birthday celebration on the Sunday.

If, like you in this situation, my children weren't invited and I wasn't part of the bridal party I wouldn't be going.

Wedding 100%. I am saddened that it is even a question to consider.

YANBU

When did weddings become a cheeky fucker fest?! I miss the days the bride and grooms saw guests coming as a plus point and they’d cater to them to have their friends and family join the on their special day. Now it seems some B&Gs think they’re holding some sort of Royal wedding and it’s an honour to attend not the other way around.

It’s beyond cheeky to exclude guests from a meal but expect them to do the bit before AND the bit after. Where are you supposed to go?! Especially when you’ve drove 3 hours!

Even if it wasn’t your OH’s 30th YANBU. Child free weddings are a PITA if you don’t have childcare but also understandable and it hikes the costs up, but a “you’re welcome to come but not to our special meal, sod off elsewhere and come back later” is just rude. People just can’t bring themselves to have a bit of a cheaper wedding can they

Birthday over wedding.
Especially given you are expected to just feck off and wait for hours in the middle of the day, that's absurd.
Think how nice a family day you could have with the money you'd spend on the wedding!

I’d go to the wedding hands down!!! Sociable fun lots of people nice meal.

a 30th is just another birthday. Fuck me mine was when we went back into lockdown and all the restaurants closed again and I couldn’t even go out for a nice meal with family. I had a roast dinner at home hahah. Just celebrate the 30th before or after!!

Btw the wedding set up is weird but I'd use it to your advantage and get a lovely meal just the two of you.

I think you’re all missing the point that her fiancé doesn’t want to go and that’s totally fine! He wants to spend his actual birthday with his kids - why shouldn’t he be able to do that? The kids aren’t invited so he’d be away from them and people need to accept that if you don’t invite kids people can’t go. I’d also be really reluctant to go to a wedding where I’m hanging around in the middle of the day for hours.

Weddings trump birthdays for me. I'd be pretty unimpressed if DH expected me to miss a good friend's wedding for the sake of a birthday we could celebrate a week early or late.

DH's 30th was on a Saturday, but we spent it at SIL's 40th and celebrated his a different day. No big deal.