To think that i would not choose them as friends?

So you are both working three days a week there?

The majority of the week?

If your husband doesn't need to then just a week time room for you might be cheaper?

With all this traveling it seems you’re focused on the wrong problem - you need to change your jobs or move back South.
Meanwhile there’s no way I’d stay with them - just book a room anywhere - why does it have to be in the same village? Or look at renting a bedsit - you want a bed(!) and somewhere to cook. If you want to reduce contact with these ‘friends’ this is ideal time to do it. You’re too enmeshed with them, no wonder you resent them.

If you don't like them, stop using them as somewhere to stay for free! I think it's very nice of them - I wouldn't want anyone sleeping in my lounge 1 day a week. You don't have anything nice to say about them so find yourself somewhere else to stay.

I agree with posters saying that you need to prioritize finding a new job closer to home. Ok, it won’t happen overnight, but this situation is untenable.

You can dislike them, the fact they are neurodiverse is nothing special. They now think that far more of the population are.

Do try and find a new job, the situation as it is can't be good for your own mental health. I wish you luck @DonnyDoris

You have had three years to find other jobs!!

If you need to hold on to a job in London (maybe because of your industry?) then you need to find a more sustainable solution than sofa-surfing every week.
If it's only your job that requires you to be down South, why does your husband need to be there too? I know several people who work in London and live elsewhere (one lives in Dublin) they rent a cheap room as a mid-week lodger, or 'mon-fri let', most head in to the office straight from home, stay at their digs a couple of nights, then head home straight after work a couple of days later.
I just found several for under £500 a month, exact terms are obviously unique to each property, so you just need to do a bit of googling to find something that suits. Once you're in and it's working, buy your friends a lovely gift for "generously putting up with you, while you got yourself sorted " and exit this arrangement as kindly and gracefully as possible!

I think you're using them. If you were wfh you'd never see them this much. Go on spare room.com or try or arrange a little deal with a airbnb or bnb so that you pay your way. If you put the general location you're wanting to live at then we could have a look to help you

Even your IABU/IANBU split didn't make sense. You discounted the fact that you are the one who is the problem

it's not very easy to quickly change a job or move house - obviously these are solutions to the current situation but not exactly able to be implemented immediately

This is true. But this situation has been going on for THREE YEARS. You must be totally burnt out with the travelling and sofa surfing, leaving the issues with these people to one side.

December is the wrong time to be looking for work but come on. You, and your DH, need to be throwing absolutely everything into getting a job nearer where you live.

Well they sound awful, but so do you!
You stay at their house every week and use them to save money but you don't even like them and come on here to bitch about them.
Then try to make out like you are doing them a favour.

Your posts are confusing, you’re saying you don’t like these people and would prefer not to stay with them. But you’re also saying you could not afford a hotel for two nights every week so need to stay with them one night ?

If you can stay elsewhere for the two nights, then do that. If you need to stay with them one night a week for financial reasons, be appreciative.

You may have had to move etc but that was years ago. Take back some control and stop grabbing onto theories like you holding their marriage together. You're accepting a favour from them which is allowing you to continue your current role without paying through the nose or put yourselves out.

Drop the mental gymnastics where you think there is some reciprocity here.

I think it'll allow you to see a lot more clearly and make the best decisions for the future. Do you really want to be travelling hundreds of miles a week, staying with people you speak like that about and having to camp in all weathers for the sake of a job?

So you think you are doing them a favour staying every week? Nothing to do with saving ££££?

You have had so many responses and the solutions are all there.

You need to find a new job closer to your home. Start looking. Begin.

You stay with these people because of your work, it doesn't sound like it's really for your DH. He doesn't need to come with you and if so, you don't have to be forced into staying with friends he is closer with than you. Everyone is enmeshed here.

Look for a private weekday room rental at reduced rate while you find a new job. Start looking. Begin.

The next text you get from the friends asking "when you are coming?" tell them your work arrangement has changed and you don't need to travel. Stay in the hotel until you have the room sorted. Tell your friends less. Stop sharing your plans and don't post to social media. Leave the friendship to DH.

End of problem.

@DonnyDoris what I don’t understand is why you are bothered if they go ballistic about you not staying there any more.

You don’t like them. If they create a huge fuss, you just break off the “friendship”

This is a highly unusual situation so if the person you're staying with who you've now admitted you don't like uses Mumsnet, or in fact any mutual contacts who knows your circumstances does, your friend will know your true feelings soon enough. I imagine that will put a swift end to the dilemma of staying with them.

I agree - and this is really where my dilemma lies. I'm more than happy not to stay at theirs - obviously! But when we dont, it's like WW3 has kicked off and in their eyes we are rejecting them - so we stay to placate.....

WW3 and being accused of rejection is nonsense OP which you don’t placate, you steer clear of.
Why would you allow them to have a hold on you like this? That’s not friendship in any way, it’s madness.
You provide all the food and drink and bedding, do the cooking, have to sleep on a sofa and a chair and give lifts at 5.30am. All for what? All that discomfort!

Find somewhere else to stay asap. It’s perfectly acceptable (to normal people) to tell them that you are hugely grateful for everything they have done for you, it’s been lovely, but your circumstances have changed and you won’t be needing to bother them from now on…..good things come to an end etc etc.
Don’t let anybody put you in this position again. It’s crazy that you feel so beholden to them.
You need a proper sleep in a proper bed to do a good job at work…..and to think straight.

Please stop with the ignorant and judgemental comments about neurodivergence. Self-justify all you want but using blanket generalisations about neurodivergence as an excuse for your behaviour is just awful.

I think they are the people pleasers in this scenario: they clearly feel bad for your situation and are trying to make you feel welcome, encouraging you to stay with them in order to help you out of your mess. They have helped you for three years!

Whereas you can barely hide how much you despise them and resent being dependent on their goodwill, even through all the “they desperately want us to stay”, “they are my husband’s friends”, “they need us there to help with their neurodivergence/relationship issues/miserable lives” crap

Hello. This sounds like a tricky situation. Just to offer some thoughts. Staying with them is clearly not what you want as it not practical nor does it sound like you actually like these people. While you highlight how your not staying with them results in upset, staying with them does save you costs of which you are well aware and this is the real dilemma. As an adult you can of course not like people and you do not need to stay with people you do not like. But you have chosen to stay with them repeatedly. Without the financial benefit, I wonder if your choice would’ve be the same this far?
It’d be worth reflecting on how you describe people you have known for years. Your judgment of their behaviour and faux fear of discriminating just suggests little understanding or empathy of life experience that is different to your own. Clearly the trade off of putting up with their ‘draining’ company to save costs is no longer worth it for you. Let’s not dress it up as anything else. I apologise if this feels harsh but it’s what I’ve understood from your posts so far and it may be the full picture is different. Best wishes

I have the impression the husband is happy with the arrangement, even if he has to sleep on a chair (!). So maybe this is something the two of you need to sort out.

if we chose to stay elsewhere within a 30 mile radius there is outcry
Then you ride out that storm, they'll either get over it or you (and more importantly your DH) lose them as friends. BTW what does your DH think about it all?
I'm not sure you've properly responded to the suggestions of getting a midweek lodger arrangement (spareroom.com?) or strike a deal with an affordable B&B. Caravans are cheaper to buy than campervans but you need a seasonal pitch. However, really you just need a job nearer home!

This made me laugh! 🤣

You posted, we’ve given our opinions. If you didn’t actually want to know if you were being unreasonable, you shouldn’t have asked.

If at all possible I would prefer not to be dependent on or stay with anyone ever - least of all these people

Then stop, ffs. You already make other arrangements for two of the three days. Dort something for the third.

We stay with them because they are DH's friends and if we chose to stay elsewhere within a 30 mile radius there is outcry from them

So what? You’re literally living your life this because you want to avoid ‘outcry’ from people you don’t even like? That is genuinely one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read on here.

I have fully admitted on here that I don't really like these people and would not choose them to be my friends.

You’ve literally chosen them as your friends. The fact that you don’t like them and are staying there anyway, is using them. However many towels you bring, and however nice the dinners you make. You’re a user.

I believe the ND is important in that it means their social boundaries are different hence they are desperate for us to be there no matter what

Again, so what?

The dichotomy of them kicking up if you don't stay with them and you not being able to afford not to stay with them. What a dilemma.