To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

Agree with this.

However they all will do as they please regardless of what you say. So stay out of it. Just enjoy your own pleasant Christmas.

If your parents are anything like mine, they would give a kidney before seeing their children and grandchildren spend Christmas alone. Even if they find it tiring, they probably love it. And they most certainly will prefer Christmas with their grandchildren over social engagements with friends, which they can do all year round.

And whether or not your sister is difficult and takes the mick, is for your parents to decide. You intervening will make it worse for everyone.

Apparently a big part of the problem is that the 5 month old was fractious last year. That's now a 17 month toddler and older siblings will be a pre schooler.

From the tone of the OP's comments she appears to believe that only children of single parents were fractious.

From her info we are only coming up to the 3rd year where OP's parents didn't host. So it sounds like the OP and her brother were hosted when their kids were littles by parents in their early 70s. However now it's you get sister's turn it's just too much for them. And sis hasn't got a partner to help.

I would imagine the parents don't want their daughter who has, from the sound of it, an exhausting life as a working single parent of two, to have a lonely Christmas with noone to share the load.

The snobbery and disdain for the he sister ooze out of the OP's post and it's horrible.

Probably too late this year, and would be lonely. In a PP I suggested they (in future) all rent a big place local to parents so the younger generation can muck in and the parents relax.

This would be a great solution if my brother and I didn'tt have in laws to also accommodate.

My parents have an invitation to visit either my brother or I for Xmas day.

She says she has her in laws visiting, and can't host both lots of parents at the same time? So she's either contradicting herself or she's assuming her parents will stay in a hotel and just visit them in the daytime for christmas day? or she's lying about them being invited to her, either way her sister wouldn't be welcome at either of theirs, so that is obviously limiting their parents options.

If I was OPs parents and it meant denying my single daughter with two small children a chance to visit for a few days and spend Christmas with us, so I could go and visit one of my other children (but only for the day then I've got to shove off), then I'd stay at home too and have my daughter to stay for a few days.

Christmas is about more than just one day OP.

@HelloWorldItsNiceToMeetYou I agree that a nice Christmas with the grandparents will be great for her sister and children. But should she expect them to run around after her to the point that they’re worn out?

It needs to be a balance. Adults can’t expect older people to do everything just because they have young children.

My Dad’s the opposite, he puts his feet up as soon as I and my family appear. 😂

Not sure why you’re getting such a hard time OP your sister sounds like a complete arsehole.

Don't forget the active social life with people queuing up round the block to host her for Christmas, despite being universally known as difficult, selfish and controlling.

This with bells on

I don't think you're making this any better! Honestly it sounds like you and your brother think that you are much better people than her, care about your parents more, are more capable of looking after your children long term etc than your selfish, difficult, volatile sister who is somehow simultaneously acting the loving mother to her children and achieving well in her career.

It just doesn't really stack up. It looks as though she has always been the scapegoat of your family 🤷🏻‍♀️

Some people have a hide like a rhinoceros and just won’t take a hint, so if the daughter has decided she’s coming for five days, there’s not a lot the parents can do if they want to avoid a falling-out.

Yep, @sesquipedalian, we’ve experienced this in our family too. DH’s brother was pushing their parents ( in their 80’s) to go on an active sightseeing holiday this summer and just wouldn’t accept their protestations that it was too much.

In the end, DH had to phone him and explain that they really weren’t physically or mentally up to it anymore (MIL especially gets confused) unless he (brother) was prepared to organize everything and chaperone them. He soon backed off!

I do think that five days is a long visit with small children and it’s a shame that the sister doesn’t realize/accept that it’ll wear her parents out. In the OP’s shoes though, I’d let it go this year and see what happens. If their Mum is exhausted again, it would be reasonable to point out that Mum was worn out after Christmas so that her sister thinks about this next year.

I’m 50 and while most of my friends/relatives are very supportive of our parents (most of whom are 80-plus), the odd person still surprises me with how much they expect.

Well if SIL is adamant she and her kids are coming for 5 days and won't take into account her parents feelings about it - then over the Christmas period they will need to down tools every now and then to rest and do nothing. 👹
If SIL complains, then they let her know that they are tired and taking a break and she will need to prepare tea or whatever. If she won't cook then she orders in a takeaway at her cost.
So, if they must do this then they can push back when they need to - Mum and Dad between them can plan what they will do such as breakfast or whatever they need for themselves or nip out to the shops once or twice and enjoy a meal out - leaving SIL at home.
Alternatively if they don't want any falling out over the festive period they can menu plan to the nth degree and buy in everything within their budget - ready to shove in the oven as it were. Five days menu planning isn't so bad - and one day of those will be a roast dinner or whatever Xmas meal they like. Maybe cold meats on Boxing Day with crusty bread and pickles.
They are hosting but not with the mosting!! SIL will have to step up and not sit around expecting to be waited on and hopefully Mum and Dad will enjoy their GCs visit.

I think you and your brother sound lovely, concerned, caring adult children to your equally lovely sounding parents who clearly want to do tbe best fir all of you. My only thought is that it's your par ntts' friends wbo have mentioned they were so exhaustef they had to xancel stuff for a frw days afterwards... honestly that's not that unusual fir people 'recovering' from a busy Christmas', even much younger people. Your sister's children wi be a year older and may be at the very lovely, cute stage and perhaps yoyr parents really want them to know their maternal grandparents are there for them, a stabilising presence in their life perhaps? Could your parents' friends be subtly criticising you and your brother, making you both feel guilty even for abandoning your parents to your sister, as they see it, without understanding or knowing the full picture?

Couldn't she find accommodation for herself and the children?

Ooh, your tone absolutely drips condescension towards your sister. How could she help it if her 5 mth old was fussy? Sounds like you'd rather not have her with you at all.

Mylittoexmas, how do your parents feel about it, have you asked them? You did hear from someone else that your mother found Christmas tiring but that is often the case with young and old people. When I used to go back to work after Christmas, loads of colleagues would be moaning and many had had flaming rows.

I do think five days is a bit much but sister may have nowhere else to go.

You cannot really judge the situation without knowing how your parents feel, they may want her to go.

Many families get round these things by staying nearby but not in the same house.

This is why hotels and self catering are booked up fully around Christmas.
So families can be together but not on top of each other.

You, your brother, your sister and your parents might like to think about this and club together to fund the cost if you chose a self catering house.

I don't think, on the other hand, that your parents being knackered after hosting your sister and her children is unusual or anything to get too worried about.

I have friends almost 70 who do a lot of childcare, helping their children out, including overnight stays. They are often 'tired' and need a day to recover, but don't find it too much on balance.

If your parents find it too much they are the ones who need to draw a line under this.

But at the same time your sister must be tone deaf if she can't appreciate that 5 days is far too long.

Going for the day, with a two to three hour journey each way, and toddlers, would be a nightmare, surely.

No! I expect her to not go and impose on her parents hospitality for 5 days with 2 young children.

Going for the day or even 2 would be ok if she helped out. And provided her parents were willing.

There might be a connection between fractured family relationships and family members who stage interventions to stop other family members spending time with her.

You're considering effectively trying to make your parents disinvite her but say she steamrollers people?

I'd love to hear the other side of this.

My sister is unlike us a single parent

the baby was fractious

Can you not see how judgemental some of your comments are?!

I don’t think you can intervene really. If your sister is not taking notice of one of her own parents suggesting a shorter visit then she certainly won’t accept it from you or your brother. It will just create bad feeling and unwelcome drama which will also upset your parents. Ultimately, it is your parents that have to set the boundaries. If they don’t want the kickback from this they will opt for appeasing their daughter. It might feel worth it to them. Most parents care for their children, no matter their problems or how difficult they are. They won’t want to hurt her, or for her to be alone, or struggling, especially at Christmas.
Your situation, even without the updates, was recognisable to me from my in laws extended family. That was dealt with by them saying they preferred a quiet Christmas alone.
It might be better for you to just listen to your parents rather than get actively involved in complaining about your sister. They may then come to their own decisions about how they want to handle this. I would try to avoid accidentally stirring the pot or thinking that it is your problem to solve.

She says that both she and her brother have invited them. That’s the point- she wants her parents to put their feet up at her or her brother’s house, instead of hosting her sister.

I've not read all the posts but have scanned yours.

It's quite hard to follow TBH because a lot of what you've written isn't really relevant and is more of a family history.

and your first post didn't clearly state what the dilemma was this year.

If your sister is intending to stay with your parents, surely it's up to them to decline that or not?

You could have a word with your sister and say they find it hard (but aren't telling her in fear of hurting her feelings.)

But then of course, where does she go on her own for Christmas?
Maybe you or your brother should host and your parents could stay at a hotel for a couple of days?

I don't think in principle that adults in their mid 70s are too old to cope with 2 young children for 2 days.

One option which is too late for this year I assume, is to rent a massive Airbnb or similar, (able to take 10-12 people) and all of you go there. This often works for multi-generational families and also everyone can come and go as they please, once Christmas day is over.