To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

Why don't you and your brother and your families get an air bnb nearby and let your sister stay with your parents if it's too much for them to host you all? Then you can all be together on the day but it won't be such a lot of work for your parents, esp if you all contribute, so someone does starter, someone does crackers, cheese, xmas pudding etc so all they have to do is cook the main course

Agree

still can't work out what's happening though

is it sister and her children staying with parents? What's wrong with that? Sounds easier than going away.

My in-laws are early 80s and insist on hosting every year. They have a big house to fit everyone in and can afford to outsource things like cleaning, so it's not a big deal to them and everyone mucks in to help. I honestly don't see what your problem is here, apart from your obvious dislike of your sister. You have your own children, so how will you feel if one day one of them starts to try and micro manage your involvement with the other? You are being very unreasonable here.

I agree with you that your sister doesn't consider your parents' feelings enough and they indulge her to an extent. I imagine this family dynamic is very well entrenched!

I'm always of the view that it's better not to simmer away in silence. Say what you think and everyone can take it or leave it. I can see for your sister that as she is single she probably doesn't want to do Christmas without family. Could you host her and your brother host parents? Or the other way round?

We want to stay as close as possible to our nieces as well as we think they'll have a difficult time in their teenage years (she's a very good mother while they are so young).

This is a very strange comment. You’re saying that you expect your sister to fail as a parent to teenage daughters? That has to be based on some serious undisclosed back story- are you saying she has been an addict or something? You do realise that your sister will be older and wiser by the time her kids are older? You never know, maybe her “active social circle” will give her some tips…

It does sound as though your sister can be difficult op - albeit that has come as a drip feed. But family often is; and if your parents want to overlook that( or they understand how it’s come about ) and they want to spend the time with her at Christmas nonetheless, that’s their choice.

In some ways, the more fraught her relationship with them ( and the rest of you) is, the more important it is they are given space to respond and develop ( heal?) that relationships as they feel best. You don’t want to be the grit in the pudding.

This would be a great solution if my brother and I didn'tt have in laws to also accommodate*

Most people I know take it in turns with family/in laws rather than all at once

Also we tend to do our own thing over New Year

Basically I don't think you can leave your sister out over Xmas .

Fgs your all in your 30s and 40s and still want mummy to host xmas.
Grow-up and deal with it your selfs.
leave your parents alone they can do what they want now.

I don’t think parents hosting means they have to do all the work. The 3 of you can help. It makes sense as they have room for everyone. It’s once a year. Most grandparents like to spend it with their grandchildren. It reads like you’re trying to uninvite your sister because she has small children? I’m not sure why else? Plus she may want to spend it with her family. Your parents can say no and make other plans. But it sounds like a family rift will occur if you push this.

I think the worst solution is that your sister spends Christmas alone with no other adults around caring for two small children who can't even have a conversation yet.

Yes, she may have a supportive social circle but social circles tend to be awol over the holiday period, that's why Christmas is so hard for people on their own.

So the sister and her children are not to be allowed Christmas with her parents? No, not "this". The sister is taking only 2 kids; not 8, no extra husband, no pets etc. It is pointless drama caused by siblings trying to make their sister out to be "bad" based on nothing but their own imaginations.

Full disclosure, I can find one sibling difficult. What I do is smile nicely and get on with it. Not try and prevent them seeing their own parents!

You have a point!!

So your tiny nephew/nieces miss out on Christmas because you've decided your parents are too old to have them and their daughter stay, and neither your or your brother can possibly fit them in at your homes?

It sounds as thought there have been issues with your sister in the past. Your parents are willing to have her and their grandchildren to stay despite this. Maybe you and your brother could be a bit more forgiving too.

@Birminghamx i just cannot get my head round this 5 day visit business!! what is wrong with arriving on christmas eve and leaving on boxing day?? 5 days is way too much! funnily enough, I had a sister like you, she never ever hosted on christmas day or on any other day for that matter! I hosted for everyone every single christmas bar one when out new house wasnt ready! my sis used to always say that she would bring the wine. along came one bottle of red and one bottle of white and if there was any left in the bottles, they went right home with her, after her drinking them both!! she is the golden child of the family. look forward to the will reading there!!

The best way to help your parents and you and your brother is to get out of the saviour-victim-aggressor triangle and leave them be. Your parents don’t need saving, your sister doesn’t need demonising and you, nor your brother, don’t need to be a hero on a steed. You’ve all played a part in the years of difficulties perpetuating. Leave them be and don’t get involved, though of course keep inviting your parents and say they’re welcome.

I hope you have a really lovely and peaceful Christmas with your kids and in laws. Don’t let this hang over your own well deserved Christmas rest.

No room for your sister but both of you would have room for your parents?
🤔

I agree, you shouldn't intervene in others people's decisions or relationships.

Well said.

This.

Why are you so keen to control your parents and sister? Do you really dislike her? It sounds as if you want her to stay home at Christmas with her two tiny children, and then you are kindly willing to allow her to see her family for NY. You must know that for anyone with small children Christmas is important and NY is not.

Your parents probably want to have your sister and her small children in their house for Christmas - it is more fun than being shown to a chair in your sitting room and told to rest. And as for being tired after Christmas and wanting a few quiet days, isn't that normal?

Please don't turn this into a war over who is more valued and important in your family. If "winning" involves you telling everyone what to do, you will not win, and there will be ill feeling all around.

It's fine that you and your brother don't like your sister nor her kids. It is not ok for you to dictate that means that your parents should not see them. Your respective families are not less effort than your sister's, so it is silly to suggest they are. Your babies cried at times too, that is the nature of babies.

In their 70s with one adult and 2 small kids, they will be fine. If they feel a bit tired then they can rest for a few days, but they will know they strengthened the bond with their grandchildren and created some memories. If you were really concerned about effort, then you could offer to parents that you will pay for sister to stay in a nearby hotel or airbnb. I would bet they will not want that though, as the point for them is to see their grandchildren.

I'm confused, you and your brother have each invited your parents for a relaxing Christmas but you can't accommodate them because you both have your in-laws visiting

That is how it reads to me too. I'm also a bit side eye at comments such as "invited herself" and single "by choice".

When my parents and in laws were in their later seventies they would typically plan a few down days after a large family visit. They would have been horrified at the suggestion that the visit was too much for them - they paced themselves to enjoy the festival and have some quiet time afterward.

Perhaps its better if the OP and DB have their own superior family set up with the inlaws and leave the sister's family to spend time with the parents who will no doubt schedule some quiet time after the excitement of Christmas. If they want to help they could send some items to ease with the preparations.

OK I'd missed this.

It's quite possible your parents don't feel Christmas at yours is that restful either and either prefer their own space, or find either option tiring but worth it. I think you should let them make their own decision.

For all you know your mum may have needed a couple of days' rest after the travel both ways and a few days socialising at yours too. Feeling tired is not necessarily a reason not to do something.

Your mother cancelling a few activities to have Christmas with her tiny grandchildren was probably a price worth paying. How lovely for her to have them all there.

The fact you have been digging around for gossip to back up your arguments is extremely poor op.