To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

This theory that all the people who disagree are single parents... It's been posited a few times on here. Nope, very happily married parent, thanks.

You actually sound rather horrid.

YABVU.

OP, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this situation (caring for your parents) and even sorrier you came here for some backup but ended up having to deal with people who are so offended by you having a problem with someone who is clearly selfish, narcissistic and expecting more from your parents than she is ever likely to give to her own children. I understand how much you can love a sibling but hate what they're doing to someone you love. It's not fair. The single-parent brigade are after you but having read all your posts, you're def not in the wrong. You're a concerned daughter who doesn't want to see her parents suffer in their last good years. I totally get it.

I'm a 77 year old widow (with health issues and arthritis). Last year I hosted Christmas Day for 13 and afterwards I did feel knackered but it didn't do me any harm. I felt a sense of achievement. This year I will host for 10 with my oldest granddaughter helping me and thank goodness I still have my hostess trolley!! It is good for older people to do these things. I'm sure your parents want to host your younger sister so they give her a bit of a break and spend time with the little ones. I have slowed down a lot but can still put on a 'show' when needed. I lost my only daughter to breast cancer 12 years ago so I do this to try to keep both sides of the family together - her daughters with her cousins. My house isn't huge but we got in a garden table to add seating and everyone was included. That's what Christmas is all about - 'there was no room at the Inn'! My advice is to try to get everyone together, at least for one meal and let the cousins mingle!! Don't worry about parents doing too much but allow the spirit of Christmas to prevail. Us oldies can have an afternoon nap when everyone's gone home!!

Didn't you know that when you pass a certain age you must be spoken to in words of no more than one syllable, veeeery slowly and VERY LOUDLY. After all, you're an idiot now who never held down a responsible job, managed large teams and organised the whole family whilst doing so. Now, go and sit down deary and don't you worry your, obviously, over-tired mind with this adult conversation.

OP, notwithstanding your sister who sounds very difficult, you're coming across as difficult and overbearing. It sounds like you are trying to control and orchestrate your entire wider family's Christmas.
Your sister is going to your parents and it sounds like she's already come
Up with ideas on how to minimise stress. Do you want to join them? Great! If not, spend Xmas with your own family.

A very helpful solution to the problem.

To add, my cousin has schizophrenia. It came on very suddenly and so we are not immune to what actual serious mental health issues can do to a family and we threw her a massive 50th birthday party last week because despite her issues we love her and she is family. We will never stop surrounding her with love because she deserves it more because she is struggling, not less.

My dad is 75 and was on a ladder sanding the old masonry paint off the front of our house last week because he's a perfectly normal person and thought it needed it. He also fitted our new loft boarding a few months ago because he knew we're short of space (we weren't bothered but he was adamant!) My mom is out every day, shopping in town or here there and everywhere. They also look after our toddler once a week (and beg for more time as a family together too!)

I don't really care what OP has said. Yes her sister might be tricky at times but wanting to spend Christmas with your whole family and being ok with leaving your only sister and nieces left out is just shit in the extreme.

Nothing in any of her posts suggest someone that is vile or disruptive or awful at all. Tricky? Potentially yes.

What kind of person could bear the thought of being together at Christmas with everyone including their parents while their single sister and small children are at home alone. Not me.

Unless OP is going to come back with some drip feed that actually her sister is an axe murderer, then no, she isn't the problem. It's you.

How about you and your brother, who have less stress in your lives and more energy, muck in and make things easier for your parents and your sister at your parents’ house.

Why don’t you offer to host Christmas and help your parents out/welcome your sister (rather than exclude her). I’m sure she would be very grateful.
Being a single parent is hard work.

I hate myself for being bothered enough to work it out, but...here is what I think happened:

In the beginning, the parents had a big house, and things were different, but then they downsized.

Three years ago, one of OP and DB had the parents and the other had in-laws, and two years ago it was the same, but the other way round. Neither has space for sister but it doesn't matter because at this point she was in the bosom of her short-lived nuclear family, complete with in-laws.

Last year she was alone, and the parents hosted her, turning down an invite from OP or DB. The same looks likely to happen this year.

Everyone lives miles apart.

OP wants her parents to come to her at least every third year, but that's not possible without leaving out sister altogether. OP thinks that would be fine because sister is a pita.

It's clearly a problem of accommodation and that's how it could be fixed (hotels or rentals). Sister being a pita is irrelevant.

Doesn't everyone go through this sort of thing? Until the older generation passed on, my family xmases needed an excel spreadsheet to work out. And people are very variable as to how much they will put up with by way of airbeds, and roaming around the country until everyone has been visited.

@fromthegecko as pp have nit picked every last point the OP has made she has gone to great lengths to give more context, some of her post from yesterday evening which explains why her sister's behaviour changed from age 13 and cauded Christmas to be so fraught for them all as a family is quoted here, that's why the bullying is relevant to Christmas:

'My sister was so keen on achieving she was totally intolerant of the boys (usually boys) who messed around in class. They reacted and for a term my brother had to see that she was safe leaving the school. About this time, aged about 13 years she started having strong beliefs on various issues, some laudable eg environmental but she took it much further than the average 13 year and started to lose friends and become much more a loner. She got to a good uni of course but the didn't come home for Christmas holidays sometimes. Christmas you see has been an issue for years, it hurt my parents when their 19 year old didn't come home but it was her choice of course. She became insistent in her mid teens that anything she liked about Christmas became a Christmas tradition and we must have it every year eg having a certain meal on Boxing Day and going to the ballet on Christmas Eve. Not bad traditions but totally driven by her. She didn't come home for a couple of Christmases in her '20's then did. We didn't have the expected Boxing Day meal and she walked out and my parents didn't see her for 18 months! I was criticised in one post by pouring over articles on autism and personality disorders to find something that makes sense. Wouldn't other people do that for their sister? Any kindly conversation as to whether she'd benefit from counselling (though it's an assessment I think she needs) are brushed off furiously. I tried to do a simple post on just one issue as the whole family situation is so complex. I still haven't mentioned the worst of her behaviour and don't intend doing so but the post was a mistake. I've been accused of scapegoating her when we've lived through so much effort by myself, brother and parents to ease the situation.
Many people have misinterpreted my saying she was a single parent and I'm guessing a lot of the hostility is from single parents who think I was putting them down. I was purely making a factual statement, over a third of my friends are single parents. It never occurred to me that anyone would take that negatively, it's not the 1970's. Yes it was by choice, my sister told me what she was going to do before she became pregnant. I know someone expressed disbelief that anyone would do this In London. Most people wouldn't but her mindset is so different from most peoples. Her pure determination and single mindedness ensures that she copes much better with a professional job and two very young children than most of us would, including me.
Some people have made helpful suggestions and my brother and I have discussed next year. This year we're leaving it as it is. Next year we may suggest a large airbnb for my parents, sister's family and my family (brother will be with in laws). Alternatively I might suggest that my parents have a holiday, cruise maybe and sister comes to me. I don't see how anyone could object to these suggestions but I know my sister might. The person who didn't see her parents for 18 months because of the 'wrong' meal cooked on Boxing Day is still lurking in there and I know my parents will fear that these suggestions may lead to estrangement. Difficult for lots of posters to get their head around but that is the reality of our situation. I'm hoping this conversation ends soon and thank you to those contributors who posted helpful comments even if critical.'

Exactly 💯

Speaking as a parent who is unlikely to ever have Grandchildren (by choice, of my kids, not by misfortune), I can't imagine not wanting to see the children for Christmas. It really is not the same without having the pleasure of watching the joy on the faces of youngsters as they open gifts and eat their body weight in goodies. I think I would sacrifice a few days of tiredness for the pleasure of having the babies there with me and I'm not a million miles away from your parents' ages. As parents, we often grumble about events and how tired they make us but I'm quite sure that we would rather host those events rather than not have them at all. If your parents were very elderly, I may advise otherwise, but they are only in their 70s and I'm sure they can make this decision for themselves.

According to my parents & mil at that stage of life it's a big NO. I agree it depends on the individuals health & fitness but that's the case for any age.

She has vaguely answered this by saying they are hosting in laws, she also says they alternate each year between in laws and parents, so really the parents should have been with them last year but weren't as they obviously stayed home to host the sister and grandchildren.

OP refuses to say what happened the years that her parents were invited to hers and her brothers, one can assume that the sister and children were not invited to either and that is most likely why the parents chose to stay home to host her last year instead so she wasn't left on her own for three years running.

Same thing has obviously happened this year, parents are supposedly welcome (although OP goes on to say they don't have room for them this year because they are hosting in laws?), so the parents have chosen to stay home and host sister who would otherwise be on her own again.

OP doesn't want the sister to be a burden on her parents, she wants her to go to one of her social circle instead(!), so is trying to intervene to put a stop to it, but by not ever inviting their sister themselves, OP and her brother are really putting their parents in an awful position, of course they don't want to see their other daughter and two young grandchildren on their own while they are all off together pretending she doesn't exist. Of course they would choose to host her, even though it is hard work for them.

Unless OP wants to offer an extremely reasonable solution like you've proposed, then she needs to but out and keep her opinions to herself about what everyone else chooses to do with their Christmas holidays.

The problematic single mum, of course!!

Tbh I don't see why it's bothering you if your parents haven't said that it's an issue

I wonder what it would be like for your sister, juggling two little ones alone, knowing the rest of you were having cosy family time and she was out in the cold scrabbling together some sort of happy enough time with chums, not that it is your place to decide whether that would actually work out or not. I think it would be beyond horrible. And your parents shouldn't have to face that choice of treating one child less inclusively than the others. Would you do that to yours in years to come?

Which sister?

… and mute.

Sister sounds profoundly disturbed. Possibly BPD? Along with narcissistic personality. She no doubt is in denial that she has any problems, so at this point OP may wish to see a qualified psychologist to consult in the best way to manage this potentially toxic family dynamic

If you can normally host your parents. Then surely you can host your sister and 2 kids. ( 1 extra than if your parents stayed, kids would sleep on an air bed even )

Then parents go to your brothers.

Easy relaxing Xmas for parents.
Sis isn't alone with her kids Xmas day