To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

I would be absolutely furious if any of my adult children took it upon themselves to start managing my life.
Yes, I do get exhausted looking after grandchildren and hosting, but I do it because I want to do it. When I no longer want to do it I will say so

So what you're saying is that you and your brother are going to have your spouses, kids and in laws at your respective houses but you want your sister to stay at home with two very small children by herself so that one of you can also have your parents to your house? I'm sorry, I know you might not like your sister much but this is quite mean and I'm not surprised your parents want to have her over, I certainly wouldn't want one of my kids to be alone at Christmas while I go to one of my other kids houses that is full of people

This ^
Was she always the scapegoat, or are you just working on excluding her now?

You clearly don't like or respect her very much. "Yeah she has friends, she can go have Christmas with them. She doesn't need to have a family, and certainly not ours. Everything is better when she's not around. We made sure of that when we were in charge, but now our parents are undermining our efforts to keep her out."

Is it you or your brother that was the golden child? Everything was lovely until she came along.

Who (especially with 2 small kids) spends Christmas with their social group? They will all be with their families, just like you.

Her kids will be that perfect age when yours are teens. Of course your parents will be even older and more frail then, so you'll still have plenty of excuses.

Here is a better take on your parents expressing it was hard work. Maybe you help more. A lot more. And let them see their daughter and grandchildren. I bet they want to, even as much as you want them not to.
This is the easiest and best oportunity for them to do so, when they have family around to help! I think (and hope) they would be appalled that you are trying to prevent their daughter and grandchildren from visiting.

Be a + not a - . Otherwise your motives are very suspect indeed.

I can't imagine posting on here about how you don't like your sister and don't think your mum and dad should have to have her at Christmas (even though they have offered), when neither you or your brother have offered to host your own mum and dad which would have saved them the trouble of having to host anyone.

So you think you can tell your mum and dad not to have your sister, or tell your sister not to go to theirs at Christmas? Like it has anything to do with you what grown adults do with their own time?

Were you actually expecting people to agree with you?

This! Bloody hell.
"Invited herself" and now this - I'm feeling sorry for your sister.
You clearly don't want her and her kids about.
Your poor sis.
If you've only heard from your mum's friends that she was tired and cancelled arrangements the next couple of days, how do you know it was too much for her? Maybe your mum loved having you all there but just wanted an easy excuse for her mates to sit and watch crap Christmas telly in her slobby clothes on the settee for a few days after like I probably would

I'm baffled why your sister would want to spend Christmas with you or your brother.

Why don't you and brother both host in-laws as you've stated and let your mum decide if she wants to have your sister and her kids - which I'm guessing they will.

Stop trying to say you have room for your parents but not your sister because you also have in-laws - of your parents go to your brothers then you automatically have room for the hindrance sister and her crying children so that's not it.

Just admit you have resentment to you sister, as does your brother - and you will enjoy your own Christmas more knowing she hasn't been accommodated and has to do Christmas herself.

I'm a bit confused, but if it's a case of her going to theirs, they could well be capable of hosting and it's up to them to sort it out with her. Again up to them to ask her to bring food/help prepare things.

I'd keep out of it, unless one of them raises it with you.

Ultimately any decision needs to be made by your parents and after reading the whole thread I am now confused. Your parents have an open invite to attend Xmas at either yours or your Brothers' - neither of you have room to accommodate an additional 5 people regardless or who else may be visiting. You say your sister can't host - she can!! At your Mum and Dads' on the proviso that she does all the preparation, shopping, cooking and childcare (as she would have done even if she stayed in her own home)
That way Mum and Dad can enjoy the GCs without a lot of the work involved. I realise that they will still do some work as it is their home and they can reduce the number of days she stays by saying they have other plans - even if they don't!

Yes. But sit down with your parents and have a heart to heart with them. Don't include your sister in the conversation till you have the truth from your parents. Ask them what they want. Why can't your sister just come for say two or three days. 5 days is quite long. Think about the next five years which is not far away. How will you be dealing with matters then? It is worth setting a precedent now.

You're coming across as very condescending regarding your parents, as if now they're in their 70s they couldn't possibly know their own minds about what they want to do. They sound fit and healthy, so no "intervention" needed.

All the other adults can do the difficult stuff, dinner and washing up. The elderly ones can sit with a sherry all day.

You can absolutely make it restful for them. Isn't this what most families do?

You want your sister, as a single parent to a baby and a toddler, to be on her own at Christmas? Friends aren’t got to cut the mustard here - they won’t expect to spend Christmas with her.

And your sis clearly needs a bit of a break and a rest herself!

Surely if she stays with you or DB, it’s for you/ he to help her out and your parents can still relax?

God you sound so smug op. Why not try having a bit more empathy for your sister? It sounds as if you think you're superior because your family is more stable than hers. It also sounds as if your parents want to help your sister...she's their daughter in case you'd forgotten. It sounds as if you think she's just a useless burden.

Perhaps in the future your life will fall apart and you'll need help.

Quite. It sounds like op does like her "single parent by choice" sister very much

Why do you say your sister is single "by choice"? What does that mean and why is it relevant?

I'm also a bit wary about your version of events. There's clearly a back story missing even in your back story; you make it sound like there's absolutely no context for your sister shouting at your dad. And maybe she was totally unjustified in it, but there's obviously a lot of information missing and you clearly don't like her or feel very close to her kids.

What 'intervention' are you planning? Because its one thing voicing to your sister it may be too much for your parents in YOUR opinion, but quite another laying out as your evidence that her friends said she was exhausted. Which is guaranteed to drag your poor mum into it when your sister asks why she was complaining to her friends. It's also quite another thing to intervene by telling your parents to say no. There is little more stressful for parents than finding themselves the rope in a tug of war between their offspring, effectively weaponised for one to beat the other for their 'selfishness'. Your poor parents won't be able to do right for wrong, pleasing one by displeasing the other. Don't do that to them.

i think you should butt out. What better reason to be exhausted than helping with grandchildren? So what is she missed hobbies for a few days., she got precious Christmas time with her grandchildren and helped her daughter.

I think if you or brother can’t host your parents OR your sister what do you suggest? They both spend it alone. Plus yes, your parents get to decide if they don’t want to say it’s to much then that’s up to them, she is their daughter and they are her grandkids.

@Birminghamx

It's funny how you have phrased this.....
"with her then 5 months old and just 2 year old and the baby was fractious throughout the 5 day stay."

Better??

"with my nieces, then 5 months old and just 2 year old and my youngest niece was fractious throughout the 5 day stay."

I think our Christmas Day with family lasts about five hours! Arrive at one, we are driving them home at seven.

Do you think my brother and I would be unreasonable to try and intervene

If your intervention is saying, ‘everyone come to us’ then great, but it’s not! Your intervention is: ‘mum and dad come to us but sister can’t come and she’s on her own!’

This post is just horrible to read to say-it’s dripping with judgement.

I hope the grandparents have a lovely Christmas with their daughter and grandchildren and they can forget how bitchy their other two children are!

I don't think she has her brother?

Oh I see. I thought I’d read it carefully.

The reason I ask is that to be OP’s parents behaviour suggests they suspect something like this. Time and again I’ve found that parents who seem to “ overlook” behaviours just have a bigger picture view.

Don't think it is too much, my DP in their 80s would love to have all of us stay with them. Though tbf I do sometimes judge how often one of siblings drops off both DC for a couple of days of babysitting as I think looking after DC on their own for multiple days is tiring. So I think it depends on their health, how much they want to do it and how much the load gets shared

Your thread is confusing with bits of info every where, it reads to me like you never host your sister (but do your brother his family and your parents) & your brother does the same… but you also don’t want your parents to host her. That is unreasonable no?