To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

And maybe she cancelled arrangements that we less important to her than spending time with her children and grandchildren, and less important to her than making sure her daughter didn’t spend a Christmas alone with a baby and toddler.

I can't imagine your parents being happy that your sister and kids would be sat on her own at Christmas, when try could be with family. Even if it is tiring!
You done appear to care too much for your sister.

@Coffeeloverme I am LC with my brother. I could play Difficult Family Member Top Trumps allllllll day long, believe me.

It's very clear from OP's posts that they are bonded over criticising the sister, whether she deserves the ire or not.

As a pp mentioned her mil was going back packing around the world at this stage of life. Everyone regardless of age finds the Christmas season exhausting especially if they are hosting. Your parents will no doubt find hosting your sister & children tiring but it sounds like they wouldn't have it any other way. Your update explained the behavioural issues involved although given she is a single parent with 2 young children,highly qualified with a good sallary she must also have her good points. I'd try to accept the situation & enjoy the day.

Your update paints you in an even worse light. Incredibly judgemental and pedantic towards your sister. I wonder what her list would be about you. Being with her parents at Christmas is not her using them. Get over yourself sharpish. You sound actually jealous of her.

That’s uncharitable and underestimates the real problems families have in dealing with a very challenging member.

YABU
It’s your parents choice to have your sister & family over for Christmas and so what if it is exhausting so they have a rest afterwards. It is up to them which takes priority- their daughter & grandchildren for Christmas or “other engagements”

It is lovely you and your brother host them, but your sister isn’t in the same privileged position to do so. If you really are concerned about your parents, get a local cottage and also join your parents and sister for Christmas at your parents. You and your DH can help with the cooking, cleaning, - hosting sister in your parents home. Plus your DC will get to play with their cousins.

I would have expected the offer. The grandparents could then enjoy the grandchildren whilst getting some respite from the cooking etc.

Once again the non-specific comments about how you believe that your sister will be an unfit mother when her children are older. It’s abundantly clear that you believe she should never have had children. You hark back to an argument with your father that happened before she had kids, when she was almost ten years younger. People change you know, and they often change significantly when they become parents.

It sounds like you are locked in a fixed view of your sister and are unwilling to contemplate that she might have matured.

Look, there clearly are family issues here. The answer does not, however, lie in Mumsnet telling you that “mid seventies is too old to host small children for Christmas”. You are looking for an excuse that is far too generic and simplistic. You need to dig deeper to find a solution that works for your family, but you should try to do so without falling into your habitual animosity and distrust of your sibling. So, for example, you have a word with her about pulling her weight, you don’t encourage your parents not to invite her and scaremonger about how they will be damaged by the experience. And you don’t bitch behind your sister’s back about how she will be an unfit parent in the future.

(Oh and the general consensus is that mid seventies is absolutely fine for hosting grandkids and that being a bit tired is normal and usually considered worth it).

And this shouting at her father seems to have happened over 10 years ago.

That's quite the drip feed presumably as people aren't agreeing with you - now she's a screamer with a personality disorder?!

To clarify: You are only able to have your in-laws or your parents stay with you over Christmas, not both, so essentially room for only one set of guests. This is the same for your brother.

This year you both have in-laws invited so your parents could not be invited over for the restful Christmas you’d like to provide them with. In lieu of an actual invite you think the next best thing is to intervene in plans they’ve made to host your sister and her 2 small children and get her to seek an alternative solution that involves asking friends to invite them over or to stay at home - this is so your parents avoid her perceived difficult behaviour and that of her children, including 1 child who when a year younger was fractious and found it difficult to settle.

You believe your sister does not deserve to be welcomed by your parents as she has had been argumentative in the past, she has decided to be single and so has chosen to bring up 2 children without additional support, she has friends so can lean on them at the busiest time of year for people to be hosting their families. Oh, and finally, you do have some sympathy for her daughters and think you need to keep close to them in years to come as you’re sure your sister will end up being an unfit mother - difficult and argumentative with them too even if she is not displaying this right now.

I wonder if it written out like that can make you see how cold and judgmental you are towards your sibling? I’m sure next year you and your brother won’t be having an open discussion with your parents and sister to offer an invitation for Christmas. I’m equally sure you wouldn’t want to arrange anything that made possible a full family Christmas get together. Quite simply you don’t like your sister, your brother doesn’t either and you don’t think your parents should either.

My sister has literally screamed at my father that she hates him, this was just for trivial reasons and she was 29 at the time.

You've mentioned this twice. Which implies that either this is your GOTCHA to say how awful she is, or there aren't actually that many examples.

If you really think she has a PD, it could be good to work out why. Typically trauma. She may have had a very different childhood to you, a very different life. And you might not know all the struggles she's had.

My brother is a total arse. But my parents wouldn't see him alone at Christmas. Because they are lovely. He isn't, they are. I accept that because they are grown-ups and they are even older than yours.

Some people in their mid-70s are fit as a fiddle and would be totally fine with this. Some aren't and wouldn't. Nobody here can judge without knowing your parents whether it will be too much for them or not.

I really think this has to be between your parents and sister. It will likely to be too late for this year to book anything, but if this recurs next year, maybe you could all agree to have Christmas dinner at a restaurant/hotel with the whole family?

You don’t like your sister that’s all there is to say. everything else is just fluff.
And this repetitive worry about the nieces and their teenage years that’s just weird.

I saw no evidence of the OP being judgemental about her sister being single.

You want to exclude your sister and her children at Christmas??

You moan about her baby acting like a baby?

You talk about to her other people negatively?

You assume there will be problems with her children even though you have no real basis?

Maybe she should cut you off.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I have read the OP's posts.

I'm not clear on the situation: who usually stays where with whom when your parents host Christmas dinner? I thought I had it, then you mentioned in laws staying...

The crux of things though is, if your parents find having people to stay with them and hosting too much, can you not muck in to do things like prep the bedrooms - often this involves moving furniture around as well as making up beds - and so on?

What a long way of saying 'I don't like my sister so she deserves to be alone at Christmas'

I wouldn't have expected your sister to help with shopping or cooking last year- she has 2 very young children to look after alone!

Does sis have to make it a 5 day stay?

OP - I do totally empathise. I have a similar situation. I too wonder if my sister has a personality disorder. She rinses our mum for money and attention. BUT I still think you have to include her at Christmas. It's just looking at ways of making that as manageable as possible. Also, even if you can't stand her, your parents (your mum, if she's anything like mine) will want to see all the siblings 'getting along', I play along with that for their sake tbh.

@Birminghamx you have a really shitty attitude towards your sisters parenting skills. I do hope your teens don't cause you a problem they obviously won't because you have a husband and a big house. You need to mind your business and stay out of your sisters life. I'm not surprised she cut contact with you. If my sibling had this view on me I'd tell them to fuck off n all.

So where do you all stay when they host Christmas?

She sounds awesome! I want to do that in my 70s too!