To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

Same. My in laws are in this bracket and love to host big family gatherings. I’m the one who finds them exhausting and I’m in my 30s!

I think OP needs to treat her parents like grownups rather than trying to interfere with their Christmas plans. They’ve made plans with your sister. You don’t like the plans and I can see why from your perspective, but I think reconsider intervening when they’re 85.

Also, mentioning a five month old baby was fractious for five days last year is so mean! Surely that’s a reason your sister needs her family around for support, not a reason she should be alone? Not to mention the fact that a year has gone by and the child will now be a 17 month old toddler. So still full on but a completely different scenario.

OP I very much doubt your two nieces will lean on you and let you be there for them as teenagers when you've been so horrible to their mum and are actively trying to exclude them all from family Christmas. They most likely won't even know you

Whether the sister is accomplished, established and advantaged or whether she's a raging nightmare who has driven everyone away with her innate and inexplicable awfulness seems to depend on whichever one best supports excluding her at Christmas.

You need to have a word with your sister about her making an effort to help your parents when she stays. And I don't mean sponging off them for takeaways or meals out. Could she stay for less days perhaps? Or offer to cook for your parents?

I didn't finish.

What did you usually do if that Christmas was so tiring?

The sister seems to be a woman with a track record of difficult relationships

Despite having a wide social circle according to OP.

What!!!??

What exactly are you suggesting? That the sister spends Christmas alone? Your post is very unclear.

I have a brother and sister (all early 40s) and I'm the poorer one in the situation. I'm the only one with kids too so no way would my mum not wants us.

The sister seems to be a woman with a track record of difficult relationships, both her parents and two siblings have experienced this, her employers and possibly her partner. People like that do not usually change much and while someone can be a good mother in early childhood, teenage years need different skills for the rebellious years. It’s telling that the grandmother is expressing concern about this.

Oh stop being obtuse. The implication wasn't that it isn't good to be well qualified, it was that the sister, being so professionally successful despite apparently being unable to get on with anyone, has no needs regarding her family. As you know. And there's no way anyone could miss the judgement in "single by choice".

I wonder how she's managed to gain these qualifications and earn such a good salary, despite apparently being incapable of having good relationships with her employers and falling out with everyone all the time.

I see it in a different way, often people think single carers are financially disadvantaged and the OP was saying she was coping well. Surely it’s good to be well qualified.

Your MIL sounds fab. That's kind of my plan too.

Oh and @Birminghamx , I'm so glad you are on hand to step in when she fails at motherhood in a few years. Despite the fact she's been nothing but loving and caring towards her daughters at this point, you know that it's only a matter of time before she shows she's a terrible mother really. Thank goodness you can save her kids from the horrible Mum she's going to be in future.

OP has felt the need to mention it several times. And "although a single parent she is the extremely well qualified and earns a good salary." Judgy much?

Just looking at this again, it doesn’t tally with what you said later, which was that you and your brother invite your parents and your in-laws on alternate Christmases.

Let’s say:

2021: Your brother had your parents. You had your in-laws.

2022: Your brother had his in-laws. You had your parents.

2023: your turn to have your in-laws again. Brother invited your parents but they chose to stay at home with your sister. Brother’s inlaws went wherever they normally go when not your brother’s turn to invite them.

2024: it’s your brother’s turn to have his inlaws again. So how can he have invited your parents?

(and if you were the one who had the parents in 2021, same scenario but in reverse- fact remains that only one of you has space for your parents this year unless your statement about alternating with the inlaws is untrue.)

Quite.

I can see that it's awful of her to stay at home, and awful of her to visit your parents. She really does sound terribly difficult, having the temerity to have a fussy 5 month old baby. She should have told that baby very firmly to be quiet, or maybe assigned the 2 yo as the babysitter, so she could focus on doing a food shop and cooking dinner for everyone. Everybody knows it's easy to cook and shop in an unfamiliar place with a fractious baby and a young toddler.

It's good to know that you are firmly on the side of your sister's ex. Perhaps you could find room for him instead.

I can't think why she's ever chosen to spend time alone. It couldn't be that she is just as uncomfortable being the clearly unwelcome guest as you are to be forced to interact with her, but goes through it for her children's sake.

It certainly sounds like there is no good reason she might have cut off contact with you in the past, not wanting contact with people who clearly hate you, exclude you from family occasions, and judge everything about you is just very trivial indeed and she really ought to just accept that she's a worthless family member to you all.

Good god, stop meddling! It's up to your parents how to manage their relationship with your sister. You focus on managing your own relationship with her.

So you want your sister to spend Christmas on her own with her kids and maybe see some friends over the Christmas period? This is a seriously unpleasant attitude to have. Either invite your sister to yours (offer to pay for a nearby hotel if necessary) or leave her and your parents to it. Maybe have a read of ‘A Christmas Carol’ while you’re at it.

@Birminghamx I'm trying to get my head round what you are saying too. So your Brother and Yourself, in your separate households, alternate between having your in-laws with you one year and your parents the next. Which means that your parents would normally come to either you or your brother every year and wouldn't be hosting at all

Yet you have said that 2 years and 3 years ago your parents really enjoyed being with you or your brother, which sounds like before that time, you all went to theirs? Would that be right?

So why can't whoever was due to have your parents this year go to your parents instead, and do the cooking etc for them? along with Sister staying and her children staying there too.

I have a sister who has always been very difficult - but to be fair she would say the same about me, I'm pretty sure. In fact since my Mum died we don't have contact at all. The thing is her behaviour towards my Mother latterly was pretty shocking to an old lady in her 90's. Mum would complain to me about lots of things about my Sister and how much she hurt her etc, but all would be forgiven when my Sister made occasional contact. Annoyed me intensely, since I was doing a huge amount in the way of caring responsibilities and my Sister none!!

My Mother too, had already lost another adult child, who cut themselves off and died young and all of us only found out from reading in the paper that she had died. My Mother was not an easy person to deal with, but you know, Parents usually still love their children no matter how much they may actually dislike their offspring's behaviour and no matter how much their children hurt them.

Your parents will still love your sister and not want to see her spending Christmas on her own with two young children. If you really want to help your parents, you and your Brother need to find a way to help them spend Christmas relaxing - and that will have to include including your difficult sister in those arrangements? If you are as concerned about your parents, as much as you say you are, then I'm sorry, but you and your Brother need to work something out which works. Inviting your sister for New year won't cut it

The sibling who died once told me, when asked if they would possibly ask Mum to their's one Christmas as I had to put up with her every year. Her reply was 'I'm not having her spoil my Christmas'. Very selfish. Your attitude and that of your Brother to your Sister sounds equally selfish to be honest

I’m sorry you’re having such a bad time with this post and it seems unfair. Lots of people claim to be a “black sheep “ and it sounds interesting and rebellious. Coping with a real difficult family member is a completely different matter and you have my sympathies. I agree you should have given more context in the original post but despite that it looks as though some people are enjoying a witch hunt against you. Sorry for that as you seem a caring person and the fact that your sister is having problems with relationships in different contexts speaks volumes.

I was just thinking this. My parents always host Xmas and they're mid/late 70s. Never been an issue and it's what they prefer. I'd not suggest that they've as much energy as a 30 year old but they don't struggle with it.

Let it lie for this year because it's all arranged but next year chip in together for an air BnB somewhere in the middle of you all. That way your parents get to see everyone but theres more adults to deal with the kids.