To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

I realise it's quite hard for anyone to see the dysfunction in their own family - we're all fish swimming in it - but I can't emphasise enough how fucked up it is that you and your mum have discussed what a terrible mother of teenagers your sister, currently the mother to two toddlers, will be and how much better you'll be at it

I think your parents hosting at this age is perfectly fine. You were ok with it up until 3 years ago and there’s more of your family to host than hers. Of course they can’t see her on her own and yes she may have a big circle of friends but they may be with their families over Christmas.

She lives in a 1 bed flat. Do you want her to bankrupt herself to buy a bigger house so they can stay over once a year?!

Oh, I hope you have a really lovely indulgent day @fitzwilliamdarcy. Or travel somewhere interesting & warm and away from all the smug marrieds.That is so cruel of your family to think that way.

I had something a wee bit like that happen to me about 30 years ago (not as bad, but still ...), and after that, I made a promise to myself that I would never be dependent on anyone for a nice time at Christmas ever again. It was horrible. I make the arrangements which suit me now!

You just appear worse with every post. Talking about her career in terms of "big improvement" and what "we've seen" about her personality "stabilising" sounds like you're writing a child's report and is beyond patronising. This is a highly independent single mum working a demanding career whilst raising 2 children with nothing but criticism, judgement and an expectation of failure from her family.

Why isn't it your or your brothers turn to have your parents this year?

They stayed at home last year and hosted your sister, so why didn't either of you not invite them to you this time?

Lots of people are a bit tired and rundown at that time of year it’s winter it’s cold, depressing and there’s loads of horrible bugs flying about maybe you’re mum was knackered in general?

Anyway it’s not your place or your business to insert yourself into and start telling people what to do. Your parents are only in their 70s and yes, while they’re getting older I’m sure they’re capable of deciding what’s best for them when it comes to whether to spend Christmas with who they want. You mention your sister is “difficult” OP. Are you sure you just don’t want to exclude her because she pisses you off?

Well, it is absolutely none of your business! If you had a good relationship it might be worth saying to her 'do you think 5 days is going to be a bit much for mum and dad' and then actually listening to why she wants to go for 5 days. You don't have a good relationship and you're not going to listen to her point of view, you're not going to persuade her of yours, so that conversation would just be a way of creating more hostility between you

Grown children should host parents not the other way around.

Tell my mum, in her 80s. She was invited but wants us there.

And it seems like OP's parents are happy enough to host the sister and her kids.

For all those saying it’s the parents’ choice, actually, it’s not. Parents want to see their children, but the DD here has proposed staying for five days, and I completely understand why the parents don’t feel they can say that three would be enough - they fear provoking the daughter’s wrath, and also that she might turn round and say, fine, I won’t come at all, then. Some people have a hide like a rhinoceros and just won’t take a hint, so if the daughter has decided she’s coming for five days, there’s not a lot the parents can do if they want to avoid a falling-out. I don’t think the OP is at all unreasonable in wanting to speak to her sister, but I fear it won’t do any good and might simply provoke acrimony. As for the parents, no-one wants to think they’re past it - I’m sure that, given a choice, the parents would prefer to be hosted by the OP or her brother, but as the DS has invited herself for a Christmas, I don’t see that there’s much to be done.

I would stay well clear if I were you.
Your parents will not want to see their daughter and grandkids spend Christmas alone. You and db are unable to include sister and kids. It's your parents choice.
I may have felt the same as you when I was younger but now I am mid fifties with grown up kids, I see that you still want the best for them and feel a responsibility towards them

I go to my mum´s with my husband and kid, but my mum alzheimer´s means I do the hosting in her house, and she helps with little things she can manage. She instructs me to do her xmas shopping/prezzies.
Can´t your sister do most of the hosting in their house? Before being sick my mum also used to get tired but loved family get togethers. She would´t have missed them for anything, knackered or not.

I'd be interested to hear the sister's perspective.

I'm the childless single in my family and I'm aware that my siblings all call me difficult, mostly because I don't agree with them that the only point of me earning money is to spend it on their kids. My parents cut me out of their will as I'm the only one who won't (can't) have any children. I don't spend Christmas with any of them, so I spend it alone and they all have a lovely Christmas altogether.

But I'm sure in their eyes, just as in yours, it's perfectly justifiable.

I agree that early 60s isn't elderly and I didn't say that it is, but OP's parents in the 70s are elderly especially considering her mother had to cancel planned events to recover. My mother is waiting for a double knee replacement so she has mobility issues which prevent her ascending and descending stairs. I'm glad your experience of being an adult with an aging parent has been one where your parent has been healthy and active.

I think that grown adults expecting their parents to host them is an absolutely awful way to behave. Grown children should host parents not the other way around.

It sounds like your sister is very difficult. She's not going to listen to what you say and shorten the visit. Your parents will be tired after but they'll recover.

Another reason to stay out of it is that the children want to be with their grandparents that day. The focus can be on them.

Suggesting that your sister and toddler nieces should spend Christmas alone or shoehorn themselves into a friend’s family is a pretty reasonable basis for being considered a villain.

Nothing you have said subsequently makes that statement come across any better.

This all sounds extremely difficult for your parents. I agree with you that at 70+ it’s too much to expect them to host small children. On the other hand they’re probably worried about your sister having a lonely Christmas if they don’t have her to stay. Then there’s you and your brother, who they also feel an obligation to accommodate.

Honestly, the kindest thing to do would be to encourage them to head off on a Christmas cruise and enjoy the sort of festive break they would probably prefer.

So she's wrong for staying home alone and wrong for staying with your parents? So she can't win no matter what she does. What is it you actually expect from her?
And shopping and cooking with a baby and toddler is hard at the best of times. Or maybe your parents actually said to her not to worry about it and actually wanted her to have a break.

Indeed it's not.

And now there's "it's hard to be seen as the villain of the piece" too.

Maybe ask your sister for some tips on dealing with it. She can be a secure person with a strong support network at Christmas for this purpose, I'm sure.

Just trying to imagine the reaction if I told my parents in their 60s, or indeed PILs in their 70s, that they were too old and infirm to host, and that it would be all too exhausting for them... It would be amusing. In a way.

Early 60s isn't elderly! Mobility issues at that age are surely a disability rather than aged infirmity!

My mum was travelling around Asia, Central America and doing giant walks at that age! And older.