To just stop doing it?

35 replies

Bbq1 · 21/11/2024 08:53

I have a 19 year old son. He's a great young man with many great qualities and has never caused us a jot of trouble - except when it comes to getting up/timekeeping. Since he turned 12/13 he has been horrendous at getting up and not leaving until the last available minute. He allows no contingency time for travel. For the last 2 years college was a train ride away and he mostly got their a couple of minutes late. Secondary school is less than a 10 min walk away and again, she always got their by the skin of his teeth. He's started a job this week after months of job hunting and is a hard worker. Where we live, it's a 30 minute bus journey with 2 buses an hour. If he misses it, it's it full or turns up late he will be late for work as he gets the latest bus he can. The job will supplement his passion which he hopes to make a career of.
Sorry i have rambled. Writing it out, it all sounds okay and no problem but the issue is me. I get up, an hour before he's due to leave and cajole and encourage him to get up, which he will eventually do, without fail but but with minutes to spare. He needs an hour to come around and won't put the light on for ages so his bedroom is pitch black atm. I draw his curtains and bring him a cuppa to try to rouse him. If left, his alarm either fails to go off or keeps going off repeatedly, waking us while he sleeps through it and i have to go tell him to switch it off. I'm up and downstairs, going into him, texting him etc saying please get up.
Dh has shared the struggle over the years but rightly so, when ds turned 18 said he would call ds once if necessary but getting up was on him now. I agree. Ds tells me go back to bed, not to worry about it he's fine etc. He tells me i don't have to get up that he's an adult and can manage. Conversely, his s attendance and commitment is fantastic. At Secondary he was off 2 days in 5 years and in the last 2 years at college he didn't miss a day.
Anyway the issue is mine but I feel almost institutionalised after going this getting up scenario for years and can't stop.it. It's really getting me down having to drag myself up to get him up and then spend an hour stressing about it. Dh, my mum and even my son himself tell me to stop, they say i don't need to do it but I can't stop. I have never let my son sleep in/be late and I fear if I left him to entirely get up without my input he would be late. Today it's really got me down, i can't continue it. Do other parents do this? I don't think so. How can I stop?. Sorry for the wall of writing.
Thanks if you've read this far.
Aibu for traffic.

OP posts:

Happyinarcon · 21/11/2024 09:36

He’s not sleeping properly and waking up exhausted. Sometimes this can be down to stress, sometimes inflammation. See what you can do to improve their sleep quality

Bonbon21 · 21/11/2024 09:35

So if you drop down dead tomorrow, your son will never get to work on time?
He is old enough to hold down a job, a job he wants and sees as a progression to what he wants to achieve for himself.
You are making this problem, you are the problem!
Are you as controlling in other aspects of his life?
Good idea has already been suggested.. wake up, go for a walk, leave the poor guy alone... if he sleeps in, misses the bus, is late for work ... that is all on him.
Show him some respect... he is an adult now.

BigSmallFigBall · 21/11/2024 09:32

I agree with all of the above.

I would add that I personally find getting up and to a place absolutely tortuous in the morning, and I have somehow managed to structure my life so that I don't have to do this very often (despite having a well-paid and responsible job). Your son will have to make some mistakes and sort out for himself what he can manage and how he wants to live.

DeedlessIndeed · 21/11/2024 09:27

I can almost guarantee you've learnt some of your best life lessons by messing up from time to time. You feel like you're helping, but actually you are taking his opportunities to learn.

Would it help if you were out of the house for a few days to see him rely on himself? Go stay with a friend, go on a romantic mini break, just do some thing to break the cycle.

Singleandproud · 21/11/2024 09:24

You aren't helping him.

Potentially look into alarm clocks with a vibration mat if he sleeps through the noise but that's it.

He needs to learn about consequences, if he misses his bus or is late for another reason he loses his job and has no money. In that scenario you only give him money related to finding another job - travelling to interviews etc.

Or, he finds a job without a set start time. They exist I work fully Flexi and can start work anytime as long as I fit work meetings in and do my hours at some point between 7am and 7pm. I'm someone who is always late for everything, it's not on purpose but I find mornings really difficult and much more of a night owl. This works way better for me.

Catza · 21/11/2024 09:18

Well, you just...stop. You wake up and you stay in bed and don't leave the room. You sit in your room being very very uncomfortable. Then you will learn that the world doesn't end and the next day it will be easier to do the same.

Chamomileteaplease · 21/11/2024 09:18

Yes make sure you have warned him that you are really going to try not to cajole him from now on.

Can you go out for an hour's walk or something during that horrible period? Then you can hopefully get into a new rythymn and relax in time.

Also, I am that sure that if your son is ever late, the embarrassment at work may encourage him to start getting the earlier bus. And if not, then it's on him. It's not for you to fix anymore.

jeaux90 · 21/11/2024 09:17

I have to do this with my DD15 but she has ADHD so no sense of time at all. It's draining.

Switchingitup · 21/11/2024 09:17

You need to rephrase it in your mind.

You aren’t helping him, you’re stunting him. It is highly likely that he will be late, he may even lose a job because of it. These are natural consequences that he needs to experience and feel so that he can alter his own behaviour. He will never grow or learn if you keep stepping in and coddling him.

Agix · 21/11/2024 09:11

You just need to be firm with yourself. Nothing else to it. Warn him that you're not going to do it anymore, and then don't.

Let him make his own mistakes. He may surprise you and not make any. Even if he does, being late once or twice before he learns won't ruin his life. It'll be okay.

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