To just stop doing it?

I have ADHD and Autism. I find it really difficult to get myself to bed at a reasonable time and wake in the morning. For me the game changer was a sunrise alarm clock. It gradually gets lighter over 30 minutes. There’s an optional alarm. Newer models have nice alarm tones or radio options. I forgot to set mine the other day and I was amazed how difficult I found it to get up. I’d guess they’ll be on offer Black Friday and if you sign up the Lumie website you can get 10% introductory discount. You can think of it as swapping the waking up from you to the alarm clock. You need to let him
sort this himself.

I struggle with mornings I get up with just enough time to get where I need to.

I have a lumie light up alarm and I have multiple alarms. It's too easy to snooze alarms so I have separate alarms timed 5 minutes apart. I use apps that make you do things to turn them off.

On school days and getting my daughter ready for school I have alarms through our morning routine so breakfast, get dressed now, need to leave in 10 minutes.

It takes me a long time to go from vaguely awake to awaken it no time at all to go from vaguely awake to back to sleep. My daughter is 4 and very similar and I have to wake her up every morning and deal with the "I'm still sleepy I don't want to wake up yet". So I think at some point we are going to get her a light up alarm to help her wake up. As it is I put her bedroom light on when I go downstairs to put the kettle on then go back up to bring her down to breakfast.

I would ask what support he would like in the mornings and as long as he does get there on time back off a bit.

Ahh, you sound like you’re coping with a lot at the moment. Definitely time to focus on yourself and your wellbeing if you can.

Good luck, OP - hope you’re able to balance things without too much stress soon 💐

Awww @Bbq1 I really feel for you & completely understand as I do(did?) this but have managed to step back. It helps that I've started running 3 days a week first thing so whilst I still wake my DS18 (also on a gap year working) along with other teen DC going to school, I then leave the house for 35/40 minutes so it's up to them to get up & ready. Appreciate you might not be running right now but a morning fresh air & head space with a podcast is rather lovely way to start the day especially if you work from home.

To start with I would come back and he'd still in bed but after a few days of flustering around cajoling him up and invariably getting cross, I decided it wasn't worth the stressful start to my day & negative impact it was having on our relationship so told him I'd wake him once before I left and that was it. If I'm back before he leaves I now now stay firmly downstairs and have a chilled breakfast and can give a nice cheery goodbye when he leaves. He literally gets up about 5 minutes before he needs to leave - dress, clean teeth and out the door usually running for the bus t . And yes he was late the first week I left him - 2 hours one day - he got a warning & now manages to get there on time.

DD1 is 19 and excellent in so many ways but she struggles with getting up in the morning sometimes. At home sometimes she would shout at me for not waking her up (often I had tried and thought she was getting up) and I told her that was not on and she was responsible for getting herself up. She is now at university and she has said she has missed a few 9am sessions but is trying a few different alarms to try and sort it out, and she says she has been a bit better in the last week or so.

I don’t think it is good parenting to allow a child to run your emotions like this. It seems to me that you are reluctant to allow him to take the consequences of his actions. Maybe you do not want him to be independent. Part of being a parent is giving your child the tools to cope with life. Them watching them take the first steps, falter fall and get up again. You are stifling him by your need to contol him.

Have you ever considered this tardiness is his battle to seize back control into his own hands.

Why are you doing this?

That is not a rhetorical question. You are getting some 'payback' from your behaviour, or you wouldn't be doing it. There is a deep reason why you feel a compulsion to keep doing this.
You need to uncover the reason.

Is it because having to get him up keeps you in the role of 'Mum', so keeps him your little boy? And you don't want him to be an adult?

Is it because you will feel judged when he fails, feel inadequate as a mother, so you never let that happen so you can be a 'good' mum?

Is it because you have adopted DH terror of being late, and you are extending this to DS? So these feelings start in your relationship with DH?

Whatever the reason, it will be very, very hard to "just stop" unless you understand your own motivations.

Yes stop! I had this issue with both my boys. I decided to stop calling my eldest when he was about 16 and I think he was late once, they learn quickly when they need to! My youngest is 13 and sometimes I call him once and that's it, he may get out the door with seconds to spare but if he's late it's on him. It really is the only way they learn.

an hour before he's due to leave and cajole and encourage him to get up, which he will eventually do, without fail but but with minutes to spare

Just drop the rope.

Why are you putting yourself through this. Whatever the reason, you are not making the difference you think you are making and you may be keeping your child dependent on you beyond the age when this is inevitable, even reasonable.

Drop the rope and don't fix any consequences.

Go and stay with someone else for a week?

He is an adult, albeit a young one and he should be left to face the natural consequences of not doing the things he should be doing ie not getting himself up for work on time. For most of us, as adults, frequently being late would result in disciplinary action and/or the loss of our job.

If he wants to keep the job, then he should make the effort to ensure he gets up in time. That is not your responsibility and I'd leave him to it. He may well learn a harsh lesson but it's one he needs to learn.

I think I'd probably say 'from next week I won't be walking you/pressuring you etc on a morning so please be sure you have alarms set and get yourself to work on time'

Then do it! Sometimes people have to fail and work it out themselves before they do anything about it!

Leave him to it. Let him know that as from Monday, you will bring him a cup of tea and that will be it. That way you won't feel that you have entirely abandoned him.

Then go and do something yourself - walk the dog, take the car to fill up with fuel, go to work early, do the supermarket shop, whatever.

One of my DC was like this, and so was a friend's kid. Both have them have now moved out and are holding down jobs. He'll get there. I'd say don't stress, but I know from my own experience of biting back 'you're going to miss your bloody bus!' that it's impossible not to.

I used to be in a similar situation with anxiety around my daughter getting ready for school. In the end, I had to completely remove myself from the situation and leave the house to avoid it. I started going to work early.

OP, do you work? If so, are you able to change your hours so that you have to start earlier and therefore can’t be around to wake your DS?

If not, can you find a gym / exercise class you could do at that time of the morning so that you’re out of the house and too busy to phone him. Or go and do your weekly shop during that time.

You really do need to let him make mistakes and learn from them. As it stands you haven’t really given him any opportunity to show you that he can actually get himself ready in time.

I'm going to address seriously it with him after work.

I don't see what it is you need to address with him, OP. He is doing fine. He was getting up for work when you were not there. There is nothing to address with him, seriously or otherwise. You need to address it with yourself. If you really think you cannot cope with the distress of not doing it, then it is almost an OCD territory and you might need to have a word with your GP or even to look up some distress tolerance techniques online. Your son can't do anything to help you. Only you can.

I have had similar with my 17yo DS. It is so hard for me to let him fail, but I know it is the only way he will learn. As it is, after I told him I would no longer be waking him, he just got on with it and was fine. I think he just always knew I would do it, so didn't bother to organise himself to wake.

Unless he's otherwise incompetent, he's unlikely to get sacked if he's late for work once or twice so just leave him to it. Let him learn how to get out of bed on time by himself. He's not planning to stay at home forever so his mum can get him up on time is he?

If he does go into work late, his boss is likely to have a word and then he might realise he needs to make the effort and get up and out on time. Or he could show himself up as being immature and 'not ready for the workplace' if he tries to excuse his lateness because 'mum didn't get me up'.