How to tell her her full name

@DancingTurtle Good points? He raped a young woman when she was pregnant/not long given birth. I can't think of anything that could cancel that out if I'm honest. Rapists are scum of the earth, and that's insulting to scum. That these scummy individuals sometimes beget children who are as far removed from them as the sun is from pluto has nothing to do with them and their actions or their DNA.

Ahhh why do people keep secrets from kids? Especially something as easy to confirm as her having her dad’s surname.

I had secrets kept from me as a kid, all because my dad thought “he knew best” and it suited him not to be honest. It’s always a mistake, it’s always much harder to learn the truth years later after you’ve lived your life believing one thing only to find out it’s not true.

If you grow up already knowing then it’s a non-issue. It’s just “the norm”. Fortunately this doesn’t seem a big deal and she can change it. Just tell her.

You can check in with her about how she feels about not having a father without making it about him. Things you don’t talk about can become shameful when they don’t need to be.

I'm really sorry Oakleaffy, that must have been v hard feeling you couldn't ask.
There was a lot of upset from his continued behaviour afterwards via the court. It was awful hearing about what happened when I was v young. But bc I knew he wasn't a good person from a young age I never wanted to see him, and the option was there if I changed my mind. It must be much harder to have lost someone good.
In Op's case, I think bc there is a chance her DD wants to ask more but is unsure if it will upset her mother, she should bring it up. But if her DD doesn't want to know, and it sounds like she may not, that should be respected. Some people are fine without any more information, esp if the person was abusive.

Thanks, Middlemum!
It's true, there is one big positive from him- your lovely Daughter!

Your Aunty dying while your cousins were so little - Yes, I can absolutely see how your cousins find it hard to ask questions.

What I really really regret is that my half brothers {from new 'mum'} said that Dad found some old recordings with Birthmum and me on, with some other people and he destroyed them after listening to them.

When my brothers told me, I was so frustrated. I'd have loved to have heard her voice. Dad didn't want to ''upset'' me by telling me of them- but he could have at least asked! - but second Mum at least rescued some old photographs and gave them to me in a box and an album found up in the attics of their old house- I'm very grateful for those.

Birth certificate perhaps?

@oakleaffy are you me? I had an almost identical childhood. The difference is that while my Dad made it clear that it was too upsetting to talk about mum, I was desperate to know more about her. I imagined all sorts about her, put her on a pedestal and was fixated with how similar or different I might be from her.

To be honest, it screwed me up almost as much as her dying when I was so young.

Who knows what's best for OP's DD.

I feel very sad for her that she may be feeling she can't bring up the subject for fear of upsetting mum. Or might be secretly feeling terrified that she will grow up to be as bad as everyone on her father's side.

OP, is there any way you can think of a tiny positive about him? He always had amazing thick hair. He had brilliant sense of humour. He sang like Elvis. He was a great driver. Anything that helps DD to not feel she's 50% bad.

Good advice. Op's DD may have ascertained that he was abusive in some way. Some people genuinely don't want to know more, but there may be a protective thing going on. Small talks over some time are a good idea.

Very good advice, Grace.
You and your Mum lived through it, probably most on here have not {I lost my mum to illness as a toddler, but that is a completely different thing, as there was zero violence.

It is a puzzle, we have this unknown person who makes up 50% of our DNA, I had to find out in secret where mum was buried, as I didn't want to upset Dad {or new mum} -ironically a very early memory is of Dad scrubbing clean a white stone Crucifix- there was green in the soapsuds- and Mum's grave marker is indeed a crucifix- an old one, as she was buried her family member who died decades before- so that memory was accurate!

It must be difficult if a parent is abusive like your father was, and @Themiddlemum 's husband was.

It's probably easier that there aren't any relatives of her ex husband to come out of the woodwork as in Middlemum's case.

Thank goodness you got out of there OP. You were v brave to protect your DD, I know how hard it can be to leave. She will appreciate knowing you did that. It was difficult when mine told me bc she had initially stayed through some pretty disturbing stuff involving me...but she explained that it was done in a sneaky way so she couldn't believe it was on purpose, esp when she had all the maternal hormones & couldn't see how a father could want to hurt his child. She did see the light pretty soon & I'm not angry now, I understand. Mostly I'm sad she got hurt, as I can't remember it. It's a lot of emotions to process, & family counselling may be an idea possibly.

Calliope, it's a bit much saying OP has made her DD feel the subject is banned. Her DD clearly has felt able to mention him.

You can change her name by deed poll - you won’t need his permission if you can prove you don’t know of his whereabouts and he hasn’t been in her life. There’s loads of help and advice on their website

I understand where you're coming from. But..

1. I think you should start preparing yourself. If you are not in counselling, it's something to think about.

1. YOU should approach the topic of her 'dad'. It can start off small, you can say "it's a hard subject so it might have to be small talks over a long period"

1. And most importantly, she doesn't need to know everything you're her mum, you protecting her from the exact truth is completely ok, if not encouraged.

I think the reason she hasn't asked about her dad, isn't because she doesn't want to know about him. It's because she sees it'll hurt you. So she won't ask you but that won't help her or you heal, if you are always scared about when you will finally talk about him.

Themiddle, I'm actually 19. (I know it seems odd to be on mumsnet, we unfortunately have recently had trouble w some other unpleasant family members & I come here for advice). Ofc I can't predict the future, but I think I am a fairly well balanced person- I haven't had a relationship yet but bc of all this I am quite alert to signs. I actually want to be a lawyer to help people in this situations, my mother had an unspeakable time bc she couldn't affors a proper lawyer. People shouldn't talk like people in this situations are destined for abusive relationships, everyone needs to be alert.

Spoke like someone with zero understanding of abuse.

She old enough to know and understand why the name will be there. You're overthinking it.

There's no such thing as a fixed legal name in English law. You can change it by deed poll but even this is not legally required. Your name is what you go by. This is explained here:

https://www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll

There are extra rules for children under 16 - all the information is there.

tilly town, OP said there were no other family. I personally wouldn't ve wanted to know more if there hadn't been the case when I was 11, but looking back it was clearer to me from a young age what he was like, as when I was quite young he stalked my mum. But I see if you just hear, ' He's bad.' Or similar it may raise more qs.
Op did say he's forbidden to contact her. I think she should know a bit more though as he could try stuff after she's 18.
Why do you say' making him out to be'? You don't need to make a pos who sexually assaults a pregnant woman bad, he does a good enough job of that himself! Did you read Op's 1st post?
Boogie, thank you. It is just as damaging to say everyone wants to know as to say nobody wants to know.

Oh Middlemum, this is so sad.
Your poor daughter and you.

I lost my birth mum at 2.5 yrs old,{Illness} and don't really remember her much {sadly} and thought my childhood she was never mentioned.
{ Dad didn't want to upset me}

As your Daughter gets older, she may well want to ask questions- I certainly did.
Dad clearly loved my mum {he remarried and I call his wife ''Mum'' now} -but Dad obviously found it really hard to talk of her.

I don't think you need to bring up her 'father' unless she asks.

He desperately let you and her down.

HOWEVER- The good part about him- the only good part- is that he gave you your lovely little girl.

She sounds a sweet, sensitive child.

In future, as an adult, she may want to try and make contact with him, just out of curiosity.
{This no way will reflect on you}.

You certainly don't need to bring him up unless she specifically asks.

Have a wonderful time in Disneyland. ✈️