It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

Does this stem back to last year’s family row/disaster? I’m guessing MIL was on SIL’s side? Thick as thieves? Sadly I think this may be a mother/daughter dysfunctional relationship way more than anything to do with your DD. SIL is maybe crazy possessive and as my mother always said ‘A son is a son till he takes a wife and a daughter is a daughter all her life’. Pity she hasn’t transferred this gender preference to her GD 😟 I wonder what FIL had to say? All the toing and froing (do they both drive?) is some sacrifice, presumably to ‘keep the peace’. Ha! Like that’s worked. Compromise is supposed to be the moral high ground but in my experience it never works. Shouldn’t your SIL be talking them out of it? It’s ludicrous…all to see a child, (on a stressful whistle stop tour), with a cloth on his head (shepherd or king, same difference), and no care or clue if his doting gran is there or not.

Using your logic, surely the grandson won't particularly notice or care if his grandmother doesn't attend his nativity so the pre-arranged and paid for activity (meeting Santa), should take priority?

This. I would tell her not to bother coming back. It’s the final nail after the obvious favouritism.

I don’t know, part of me thinks how do you double book something like that? It almost feels like favouritism raising its ugly head again and my suspicion is saying she didn’t even know about the nativity until after you arranged the holiday and is once again putting the other grandchild first because she’s only just found out about it.

Totally 💯 correct!!
I worked in schools and it really isn’t a big deal if GPs don’t go!

Are you joking?
A nativity play? It’s not a big thing really is it? Its 20 minutes top - if it was a graduation or an 18th or 21st birthday then maybe yes.
My dad never came to nativity plays for my two?
They are leaving a holiday for 20 minute play that the child won’t even remember!

@Yourcatisnotsorry if you read some of the ops PP then she stated it was like a centre parcs place and she was trying not to be too specific. No need to nitpick on those details to try and catch the OP out, therefore the grandma is missing the main day of activities despite this being booked 6 months ago.

Personally I think this is favouritism, if the shoe was the other way round I suspect the grandma wouldn't leave festive activities planned 6 months ago with the grandson to attend the granddaughters nursery nativity.

@Bounty9 I'd feel hurt in your shoes too. We have the exactly same scenario and have said once my children start to notice their cousins are favoured, we will be backing away. No dramas will see them at Xmas and any other important events we have too as a big group. We've tried to build separate relationships with all sets of the aunts and uncles and the grandparents which we will continue as those work fine, but in a group environment it is incredibly clear who is the favourite grandchildren. It's at the point that I don't trust the grandparents to look after the kids together as I know my children might be at risk despite the cousins all play nicely together.

We've had incidents where grandma let go of my my 3 year old hand and left them to walk in the road because she was too focussed on wanting to show the other grandchild something in the harbour (who was perfectly safe btw holding their parent hand and looking at the boats on the harbour). I was breastfeeding baby on a bench nearby and had quickly try and get DH attention to grab my child whilst trying to run across holding newborn at the same time as it was a busy environment (school summer hols in a busy harbour town). It was a very eye opening moment for me!

Center parcs is either mon to fri or fri to mon. Assume you are mon to fri since nativities are usually weekdays. So I can’t see why you only have 1 full day there

Dear oh dear. This has been explained endlessly again and again by the OP. It's not centre parcs, it's somewhere similar and she used that as an example..

@Yourcatisnotsorry it’s not CP, but something similar. OP is limited by what days DH can have off work.

Center parcs is either mon to fri or fri to mon. Assume you are mon to fri since nativities are usually weekdays. So I can’t see why you only have 1 full day there. Nativity’s are important and I think MIL is being fair by going to both. She’s not cancelling on you just trying to support all grandkids. You say DD loves her so cutting her out would be harmful for DD. She sounds like a very involved and supportive grandma. There may be lots of favoritism in other examples but it doesn’t come across in this one.

And what of us that don't have daughters? Are we to be condemned to always being second best when grandchildren come along?
This trope really is tiresome.

massively egged on by mumsnetters who either have similar drama fuelled family interactions or bored and see it akin to an episode of Eastenders

Well, I can see why you’re annoyed- I would be too!- BUT it’s not worth getting into a big family drama about, and souring relationships. Life’s too short.
I’m not a grandparent yet,( I wish I was) but I think I would feel pulled in both directions. I do think mothers have a special affinity with their own daughter’s children.

This thread seems to one long lazy excuse for justifying favouritism amongst grandchildren.

It's written as 'well of course Mums are closer to their daughters' - the unwritten secondary element is 'So they will always prioritise their daughter's children.'

Thankfully my MIL always had the grace to look equally enchanted by all of her grandchildren. Privately she may well have had a favourite but I couldn't tell you which one it was. Fortunately I never had to give it any thought.

I don't think DILs expect to have a mother daughter relationship with their MIL. They might expect parity around their children however.

As for it not 'harming' children - I'm not convinced you can possibly judge from this distance. 15-20 years of being treated differently by a family member may have an impact, you simply can't tell at this juncture.
But I'd suggest that is quite a low bar to set for relationships.

They don’t need to rationalise it, because it just isn’t that important. I don’t think this sort of thing harms children- no. As long as the grandparents aren’t significant caregivers. It’s when caregivers play favourites that harm is done- because children depend on them.
As long as relationships with GPs are positive and loving (which OP says they are) that’s all that matters.
The competitiveness and comparisons about who the most favoured child is are the fixations of the adults imv. Like in this case re the nativity where the child won’t particularly notice let alone care.

The MIL sounds a bit obsessed to put it mildly. She will be the one missing out in the long run if she continues like this. The GC she doesnt bother with won't bother much with her when they are older. I feel sorry for the SIL.

Tell MIL "we booked and paid for your accommodation so you could spend the special day with DD. Since you've made alternative plans, we have cancelled the booking. See you in 2025."

Is it specifically a grandma/your MIL issue or is it SIL-driven - who is the perpetrator? It's usually jealousy that fuels these situations and the enabler daren't upset the applecart.

I'd be furious in your shoes but it's you, your DH and DD that are important here. What she should have done is turned the invitation to the nativity down. Somebody has an agenda.

I mean... really? It doesn't do a little girl any harm to be rejected by her grandmother because she's too busy with the favoured grandson? (See OP's post about what had happened previously). A small child can rationalise things and think, 'Ah well, some extended family relationships are closer than others. No harm done!'? Give over.

Do you, though? In your place I would be telling her that it would be upsetting and unsettling for your daughter to have them arrive and then leave. So, it would be better if they sat this one out. Why are you still passively accepting them having the privilege of coming away with you if they are behaving like this?

If she tries the, "It couldn't be helped," argument, tell her what your husband really ought to have told her already that actually, it could. If it had been the other way around, she would not have blown off her grandson's holiday for your daughter's Nativity. I would state that in as many words. If she pushes back, remind her that this is exactly what she said she wasn't going to do before she had grandchildren. Someone needs to spell it out to her, and it obviously won't be her own family.

Ultimately, though, you have a husband problem. Your daughter is going to grow up to see that if she is unfairly treated, she has to accept it because her father would prefer to stay in his own comfort zone rather than modelling self assertiveness and learning how to speak up. This won't have a good effect on her future relationships with men. Your husband really needs to get some counselling and learn not to be a wet wipe when it comes to putting his own children first.

You appear to be suffering from the same delusion as the mil- the grandson is not actually her own baby

It's the majority of the day and means they miss all the activities they booked together. Realistically she will leave a little early to allow for traffic and make it back late. For a small child that's the bulk of the day and pointless them even driving. She's not turning up for both she's leaving her grand daughter as she's missing the whole point of being there. And this trip was booked and paid for with her full consent and now she's decided to change her mind

She hasn't unintentionally double booked, she's agreed to the holiday and then the nativity date was released afterwards. She's decided she wants to go to the nativity in spite of already having plans.

Is this all driven by MIL being determined to play ‘mummy’? She HAS to be at DGS events because she’s more like a mother than a grandmother in her eyes and can’t allow anything to risk undermining her role?

You've nailed it, I reckon.

This ☠️