It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

The latest we have is MIL is “ unforgivable” and “an abomination”.

I mean.. really?

Bailing out of the only full day she has with her DGD is not building bridges!

It's no compromise if you're not there for the activities that was planned with Granny. It's unforgiveable and betcha she wouldn't do the same to the DGS she seems besotted about as some sort of stand in mother.

No idea how people are still defending this MIL. She’s already seen DGS in a nativity. She hasn’t seen DGD meet Father Christmas. Yet she is choosing DGS’s second over DGD’s first, despite already agreeing months in advance. How can anyone not see that is wrong. Her behaviour will be very damaging to OPs DD as soon as she is old enough to have an awareness. OP is right to say something and protect her daughter. MIL is a CF and showing undeniable outright outrageous favouritism.

Exactly. OP said:

'For those saying it's a couple of hours - she said they will be leaving 11am on the Weds, attending nativity at 12:30, staying for lunch and then travelling back and will aim to be back for 4:30pm, so it is almost the whole day.'

So they are not even rushing back after the nativity but staying for lunch and not setting off back until about 3.00 pm.

it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours.

a 3 hour round trip

6 hour round trip!

This mini-break is supposed to be a bridge-building opportunity after a terrible joint trip to Paris where the amount of favouritism for MIL's grandson and ignoring of OP's DD was too much even for OP's laid back DH.

The trip is only for 3 days, with one full day of activities as they are travelling there and back on the other two days. This trip was booked and paid for by OP after consultation with the grandparents. The activity for OP's DD to see Santa for the first time was also discussed with her MIL and FIL before OP booked and paid for it.

In a previous post, OP has said:

'we were going to arrive Tues - MIL looks after DGS on a Tuesday morning so meeting there in the afternoon, spending some time together, going for dinner and on the main day is the activities - meeting father christmas in the morning, lunch, then in the afternoon you gather round firepits, toast marshmallows, sing carols, father christmas comes in on his sleigh, there's elves, probably some fake snow chucked in there somewhere, magical - etc etc. Then wake up Thurs, breakfast, maybe a quick swim and back on the road. It was a short break - yes, but was just meant to be a few days with them that we rarely get. They will miss the morning and most of the afternoon, and tbh who knows if they will even be back for 4:30.'

MIL, having agreed to the trip and activities which OP has paid for, is now binning off the one full day with the Santa activity in favour of her grandson's nativity (which she also attended last year). She hasn't double booked, she isn't trying to be there for both her grandchildren, she is blatantly prioritising her grandson. As well as being unfair, it is stunningly rude and bad mannered to waste OP's money in this way.

I have seen this happen in a friend's family. The GPs were happy to say they always favoured eldestc GC and made it very obvious. The result was that when the GM ended up widowed and infirm eldest GC was always popping round and helping but youngest GC rarely bothered the relationship just wasn't there.,

I get missing a Nativity is a shame and she is perhaps trying to please everyone - but she has seen one before, is likely to see one next year too?.
I would respond to say that's unfortunate because it means they will miss then list the things you would have all been doing together, because whether double booked or just trying to please everyone, you are paying for this break as a thank you - for them to disappear for several hours is rude.

This is perfect. Be so calm and reasonable that you make her feel bad!

we had the activities planned for a while as we sat down as a group and booked them up.

MIL and FIL actually sat down with OP and their son to plan this trip so it is prioritisation vs double-booking.

It’s a nativity play. They are usually around the same week every year, I highly doubt that she somehow “forgot” considered how involved she is in her grandson’s life.

The most you can do is leave MIL to it because she is likely not going to change and keep your energy for the relationships of those who choose and want to be there for your DD.

AHH, I'm sorry this is hard. It may be true they favour the elder, but there is nothing you can do about it and they obviously want to see your DD so if you can, let it go. You can not control or coerce you ILs in to behaviour you want. But you can choose not to put yourself in positions of pain again. Don't expect them to want to come to centre parks/ other future activities. Then your not let down and the relationship is easier to manage plus less family intensity which is win win.

She isn't, she just doesn't quite have the front to cancel on OP entirely.

I think it all boils down to you wanting your daughter to come first on this occasion seeing as grandson was priority before your daughter was born.
I personally think MIL thought she was coming up with a good compromise in this situation. If IL's are happy to do a 3 hr round trip to see grandsons nativity then enjoy their time away. Make the most of the time the evening before and when they come back from seeing the nativity. It does sound as though bridges are being built and if MIL is genuinely trying to be there for both her grandchildren.

The kids figure it out eventually. DD tends to internalise things but DS is a gobshite (no idea where he gets if from) and actually said "why don't you want to spend time with us as well Nanny?" when he was around 7 or 8 I think
She blustered a lot and claimed she treated everyone the same etc etc and he replied "doesn't feel like it"
Made no difference but i did enjoy it.

The Op clearly did put aside the upset from last year. The invitation to the ILs to join them shows just that. It was a thoughtful effort to share experiences together. Hence the frustration now.

I can't believe that people are still defending this MIL. Of course you'd all accept your MIL's just buggering off from a break away that you'd paid for and a day of planned and paid for activities that she agreed to in order to go to a nativity because she favours the other grandchild. The woman is an abomination. Terrible behaviour.

no she didn't. She accepted one invitation WELL AHEAD of knowing when the nativity was.

None of us know what the circumstances are . She may well have committed to the nativity not realising the clash. We haven't heard MIL's perspective.

In any case, I can see we are not going to agree, so there's no need for me to keep banging on :).

To be clear, I do understand why the OP is hurt. At the same time, I think she would be much better advised to try to put down her feelings of jealousy/ comparison with SIL's child and just focus on her DD's relationship with MIL (not worrying so much about MIL's relationship with DGS, which is entirely separate and does not need to be a threat/ compared).

I think this would be the response that will lead to positive things. The other path will lead to toxicity and strained relationships.

There is no double booking. There is prioritisation.

The message on this thread is that it is normal for one grandchild to take priority over others (even their own siblings).

Thank heavens my MIL didnt agree with such sentiments.

Except its generally agreed to be rude to sack off an accepted invitation for a later one. Its especially rude in this case as the first invitation has involved the inviter(s) in extra expense.

she will see her grandmother physicallly leaving their holiday to attend her cousin's nativity

She will see her grandmother physically leaving and then coming back. As people tend to do. No reason why this should bother her in the slightest.

I'm not sure why you and other posters are continuing with the fiction that this is MIL just 'doing her best' to be fair to both children

Because it is my opinion based on what OP has written that MIL is trying to accommodate both activities - Christmas trip with DGD and Christmas nativity with DGS, as from her perspective that is the fair/ right thing to do. It is possible for people to have different perspectives on the same situation. It happens very frequently (is the norm) in fact.

no she didn't. She accepted one invitation WELL AHEAD of knowing when the nativity was. She didn't say at the time "thank you for the invitation but it falls at the time when I might be going to something else so I can't accept" That would have been bad enough but FFS I keep saying this ITS RUDE TO SACK OFF AN ACCEPTED INVITATION FOR A LATER ONE yes I am shouting.

I actually think that OP's daughter will notice as she will see her grandmother physicallly leaving their holiday to attend her cousin's nativity.

Unless the grandmother knew the date of the nativity and had agreed to go before the OP booked this holiday in the summer (unlikely), she hasn't 'double booked', although she is using this as an excuse. She is choosing to prioritise the grandson's nativity, even though he wouldn't notice if she was there or not.

I'm not sure why you and other posters are continuing with the fiction that this is MIL just 'doing her best' to be fair to both children. She is 'doing her best' to continue to favour her grandson over her grand-daughter, but you don't think that this will be damaging to the less favoured child. People with experience of this will disagree.

Agree grandson won’t notice. I don’t think this is about the kids, I think it’s about grandma trying to fit both in- according to her she “double booked” herself.