It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

@Tandora @PurpleFlower1983 So I’m to understand that by your logic a nativity is of the utmost importance (you only get a few - you get around the same amount of Father Christmas visits by the way) but meeting Father Christmas is not as important as a nativity. Hence the MIL is justified in her decision (conveniently ignoring her favouritism in Paris and the rudeness of missing a pre-booked paid for trip)?

It’s an interesting take as I’m lucky enough all 4 of my DDs grandparents have tickets booked to see her meet Father Christmas for the first time next month. But they’ll be leaving the nativities to us and be happy with a video if we’re fortunate enough to get the time off work.

Seriously - were/are you the favourite? Are you a parent or grandparent that likes to play favourites? I just can’t fathom why you don’t want this little girl‘s self worth protected. It doesn’t need to be WW3 or a falling out. Just a few firm words from the OP (ideally her DH). People let CFs ride rough shod over them for fear of confrontation and offending people who have already offended them! That’s ‘Bonkers’. I do speak from
experience as I’ve already mentioned in previous posts. My DM resents my DF for never saying anything. And he’s said since I had DD he regrets it and he would absolutely protect my DD if the same situation arose now and he’s sorry he didn’t do that for me.

@Tandora please elaborate on ‘Bonkers’. I’ve just repeated what the OP said about the MIL treating the grandson as her own child and taking the prime spot for his affections in place of his DM. If you’re agreeing that MIL is bonkers for doing this, I’m right there with you! My own DM has tried to do this a bit with my DD. Despite having two DDs of her own and knowing DD will be my only one. It’s unhinged and annoying but luckily my DD adores me and won’t give my DM the ‘top spot’ like she’d like.

It's not bonkers at all. OP's MIL's behaviour is definitely damaging to OP's DD's self esteem.

The Santa experience that OP describes actually sounds lovely and I'm sure her daughter will love it.

I'm not sure what's so magical about the nursery nativity, which the MIL attended last year and why you think that attending this is so important while belittling and mocking an experience that OP's MIL agreed to attend and which OP has actually paid for.

You are beginning to sound like a bit of a dick to the OP to be honest.

why should they? Again i say its rude to sack off an accepted invitation in favour of a later invitataion.

Forcing out her own daughter so her relationship with Grandson is stronger than his relationship with his mother

Bonkers.

Choosing to miss her granddaughters first time meeting Father Christmas

Even more bonkers.
Since when is “the first time you meet Father Christmas” a thing?! you know it’s just a random man dressed in a red coat and a fake beard right? And most small children are at best a little creeped out and at worst thoroughly alarmed by the experience 😂.

Honestly, kids have so few nativities I wouldn’t want to miss it either. Are you just don’t day passes for Center Parcs? Is there not another day you could change to?

@Tandora yes. I absolutely think this MIL is nasty. On the Paris holiday to ignore her granddaughter’s attempts at getting her attention/requests to play because she’s busy with grandson the entire holiday rather than being fair and sharing her time between them. What else would you call that?

Forcing out her own daughter so her relationship with Grandson is stronger than his relationship with his mother - what else would you call that? She had her turn to raise kids, now she’s depriving her daughter of that special bond because she wants it again. Nasty. Selfish.

Choosing to miss her granddaughters first time meeting Father Christmas to see grandson in a nativity for a second time. That would be nasty even it wasn’t all pre-arranged months in advance and ducking out of the main part of a trip paid for by her son and OP.

You must have very low standards of acceptable behaviour if you think any of this is less than nasty.

this nasty woman

?!

I bet all these posters saying this is an over reaction were the favourite or have never been on the exclusion end of a similar situation. @Ivymom ’s experience is very similar to my own. The damage to self esteem is very very real and lasts a life time. I’m not sure why people think it’s preferable to pussy foot round this nasty woman than protect the child.

you would cut out this woman completely out of your life?

Let me guess… you’re no contact with quite a few people in your family?

but I will let her know I’m not just going to let this one be brushed under the carpet l

i wonder what that looks like in practice.

What a hullabaloo

OP, my advice is based on experiencing favoritism from your DD’s point of view. At this point, she may not have noticed it, but she will if things continue. She will be hurt by it in the future if your MIL doesn’t change or if you and DH don’t protect her from it. Your DH may be happy ignoring it, but for the sake of your DD, he needs to act.

One of my grandparents had an obvious favorite. My parents never did anything about it and continued to send me for visits. At first, when the favorite wasn’t there, visits would be fun. My grandparent, however, wanted all her grandchildren together, and then I ended up always wondering what was wrong with me and why was I being ignored, excluded or pushed aside. As I got older, even when the favorite wasn’t there, at least part of the visit involved looking at photos of the awesome trips they took with the favorite and pictures of the favorite with gifts they’d been given. I spent most of my teens and early twenties trying to change myself into someone my grandparent would love as much as the favorite.

As an adult, with children of my own, I have a minimal relationship with my grandparent. My children barely know them and we never visit when the favorite or the favorite’s children are there. The favorite’s children are the next generation favorites. I’ve confronted my parents about not intervening on my behalf, but they just say that it wasn’t socially acceptable to keep kids away from grandparents. One of my parents also shows marked favoritism, and I’ve distanced myself and my children from them. My grandparent and parent deny ever having a favorite and refuse to even try to change.

@Tandora My mum had a very close relationship with my daughter when she was little but she certainly didn't ride roughshod over me or my rules/boundaries in the way OP's MIL is doing with her SIL. I've seen this happen before in my own circle. Some grandparents really do act as though they have had another child. It's weird.

It's not a competition. I am responding to what the OP said. As for competition between mothers and daughters, that is not unusual at all. The GM helps with childcare so she will obviously have a close bond with the GS but she should know when to step back. The GS also needs to learn that he's not more important than the other GC.

Yes but it sounds a bit exaggerated doesn’t it? I mean how many women do you know who are sincerely jealous of / threatened by their toddler’s attachment to/ affection for their own mother.

I am referring to what the OP has said previously about the GS rejecting the SIL for the GM.

I would assume the SIL would prefer it if GM wasn't at the play as it would mean quality time with her son without the competition for his affections

I mean.. really? Have you ever encountered such a thing in real life? How likely is that honestly.

i'd tell them not to bother - are you able to cancel their room?
or invite friends

so why does SiL not say anything?

@Hoppinggreen I really hope my children call their grandparents out in time too! Let's face most of the time kids are just staring facts. If we try to talk about the obvious favourism even in a very calm way we get abusive messages from FIL and SIL all protecting the GM so it's not worth it.

From what OP has said I would assume the SIL would prefer it if GM wasn't at the play as it would mean quality time with her son without the competition for his affections. A GM is meant to be supportive and it must be annoying. GM should take a step back. Of course it's pathetic to rush back for a school nativity when he's got his parents there.

I was being sarcastic about PP saying it's all perfectly normal and doesn't matter one jot about massive favouritism in a family.

Play the long game and be the better person; it's not worth damaging the relationship you've built up. Put it aside, have a lovely time and move on, don't let it get to you.