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AIBU?

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Original poster

It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

888 replies

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 14:15

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

OP posts:
clickclack8 · 23/11/2024 13:57

the idea of my grandparents favouring cousins having a detrimental and long lasting impact on my self esteem? well as a child this is on your parents for not building your self esteem / limiting contact / making you see how daft they are

clickclack8 · 23/11/2024 13:56

Watercolorbird · 21/11/2024 14:57

Completely with you OP. Favouritism should be nipped in the bud. I grew up with grandparents that very obviously favoured my cousins and it gave me serious self esteem issues. DF never confronted them about it, despite DM urging him to. Now I have my own daughter I wish he had aid something too. Now DGPs are in their old age and I have very conflicting emotions of guilt over whether to visit them and make amends. But then I was just a child, it was their choice to make no effort and therefore end up estranged from me as an adult. When they eventually die I think I will feel regret on not going to see them but at this point it’s just so awkward and I don’t want to upset anyone so it’s best to accept the sad situation.

My DM adores my daughter but favours DSis over me. I’m bracing myself for any favouritism when DSis has kids. Whether it’s DD or my niece/nephew that gets favoured, I will be speaking up. No child should ever be made to feel second best. Even as young as 6 I knew DGPs loved my cousins more than me and that just became more painful as I grew. You are a brilliant Mum advocating for your daughter.

If you do allow her to still dip in and out of the trip, do make sure she doesn’t just prattle on about DGS nativity as other posters have said. That’s something your DD will
pick up on sooner than you think.

whats your relationship like with your parents?

my grandparents massively favoured my brother

it was like water off a duck’s back! We all found it funny! Why? because my parents limited contact and it became a family joke ie when they were favouring him, my dad would completely play up to it!

Tandora · 23/11/2024 13:53

godmum56 · 23/11/2024 13:23

actually no never. I have a dreadful memory and know it so I have kept a calendar from my early teens.....about the time that parents stop being responsible for appointments.

Show quote history

Well done you. Many of us aren’t quite so organised with their diaries.

Watercolorbird · 23/11/2024 13:44

I’m with you @godmum56. I honestly can’t remember the last time I double booked something if ever. If someone offers plans I usually say ‘I’m sure that’ll be fine but let me just check my calendar’. I always check before I fully commit.

But even if I was the MIL in this situation and I had ‘double booked’ somehow, I would say ‘so sorry actually it’s the trip with DGD on that date so we can’t come after all, sorry. Definitely next year.’ rather than ‘it’s the trip with DGD but I’ll sack it off’.

@clickclack8 insight into why there are so many CFs because no one ever calls them out on it more like.

I really can’t understand why so many posters are ok with this little girl being treated this way.

clickclack8 · 23/11/2024 13:37

this thread has been a real insight into why so many mumsnetters seem to have so much negative drama in their life

godmum56 · 23/11/2024 13:23

Tandora · 23/11/2024 13:03

Have you never doubled booked yourself? I have and I don’t think I have dementia 😂

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actually no never. I have a dreadful memory and know it so I have kept a calendar from my early teens.....about the time that parents stop being responsible for appointments.

Tandora · 23/11/2024 13:03

godmum56 · 23/11/2024 12:38

she forgot???? How can you forget??? has she got dementia?

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Have you never doubled booked yourself? I have and I don’t think I have dementia 😂

godmum56 · 23/11/2024 12:38

Tandora · 23/11/2024 12:28

You do realise that people do manage to double book themselves all the time right? It doesn’t imply the activities are booked simultaneously. It happens because you commit to one forgetting you have already committed to the other.

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she forgot???? How can you forget??? has she got dementia?

godmum56 · 23/11/2024 12:37

Watercolorbird · 23/11/2024 12:16

@godmum56 I know I am. The OP said the trip has been booked for months. I don’t know any nursery nativities where dates are declared in Sept or before!

Absolutely clutching at straws to defend this woman and I’ve no idea why.

Edited

😂

Watercolorbird · 23/11/2024 12:35

@Tandora Ok, so I assume you’re thinking that MIL agreed to the trip months ago, then recently absent mindedly agreed to attend the nativity not realising when the trip was booked over those dates. I buy that. However, the MIL made a blatant choice to favour the grandsons event. Despite two good arguments not to - that the trip was booked first and that she’s already seen his nativity last year. Still clear favouritism. Still rude. It’s clearly an unfair decision whether you want to call it double booking or not. Especially when you take into account the Paris behaviour.

Be honest - are you the OPs MIL?

Watercolorbird · 23/11/2024 12:29

@phoenixrosehere I think you’ve misunderstood me. The point I was trying to make is they don’t release the dates for a nativity months in advance. Therefore if the trip
was booked months in advance then MIL can’t have ‘double booked’ as she and many posters are claiming. The nativity date has recently been confirmed and she’s backed out of the main part of the pre-booked trip as a result.

Tandora · 23/11/2024 12:28

Watercolorbird · 23/11/2024 12:16

@godmum56 I know I am. The OP said the trip has been booked for months. I don’t know any nursery nativities where dates are declared in Sept or before!

Absolutely clutching at straws to defend this woman and I’ve no idea why.

Edited

You do realise that people do manage to double book themselves all the time right? It doesn’t imply the activities are booked simultaneously. It happens because you commit to one forgetting you have already committed to the other.

phoenixrosehere · 23/11/2024 12:22

Watercolorbird · 23/11/2024 12:16

@godmum56 I know I am. The OP said the trip has been booked for months. I don’t know any nursery nativities where dates are declared in Sept or before!

Absolutely clutching at straws to defend this woman and I’ve no idea why.

Edited

It is a nativity play. Not exactly a massive guess on when it would be and most nurseries and schools try to do it around the same time in December.

Watercolorbird · 23/11/2024 12:16

@godmum56 I know I am. The OP said the trip has been booked for months. I don’t know any nursery nativities where dates are declared in Sept or before!

Absolutely clutching at straws to defend this woman and I’ve no idea why.

godmum56 · 23/11/2024 11:57

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/11/2024 10:43

@Tandora she didn't double book! She sat down with her son and his wife and planned the break away and the activities which OP then paid for. The date for the nativity came much later so she prioritised that over the arrangements already made. A normal person would have stuck to the plans made in order to be there for her granddaughter and asked for the nativity to be filmed. I can't see why you can't see this.

This precisely. She committed the rudeness of sacking off an accepted invitation for a later one. (is anybody bored with my saying this yet because I am)

Watercolorbird · 23/11/2024 11:38

I second ‘vile’. It is. It’s blatant favouritism and that is vile.

Tandora · 23/11/2024 11:00

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/11/2024 10:58

@Tandora I disagree as does most on this thread. It's vile behaviour.

And we have added “vile” to the list of extremes

yes we will have to agree to disagree

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/11/2024 10:58

@Tandora I disagree as does most on this thread. It's vile behaviour.

Tandora · 23/11/2024 10:50

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/11/2024 10:43

@Tandora she didn't double book! She sat down with her son and his wife and planned the break away and the activities which OP then paid for. The date for the nativity came much later so she prioritised that over the arrangements already made. A normal person would have stuck to the plans made in order to be there for her granddaughter and asked for the nativity to be filmed. I can't see why you can't see this.

Those are the facts that you have assumed and they may or may not be the case.
But from MIL’s perspective she has stated that she has “double booked” herself.
Right or wrong, MIL seems to think that she needs to try to do both activities - hence a lot of driving to fit both in.

Maybe she is wrong, and I do see why it has caused OP offence and hurt, but again I cannot see how it rises to the threshold of abhorrent offence that people are projecting on this thread.

Hodnett32 · 23/11/2024 10:49

Accept that this trip will be spoilt, and grin and bear it. She is going to let your daughter down repeatedly, her behaviour is loud and clear, my other grandchild takes priority.

So I would stop making any effort, do not prevent MIL/FIL from seeing your daughter but do not facilitate it in any way.

I've had no contact with my in-laws for 8 years and our teens have recently decided enough.

Tandora · 23/11/2024 10:46

Watercolorbird · 23/11/2024 10:24

@Tandora @PurpleFlower1983 So I’m to understand that by your logic a nativity is of the utmost importance (you only get a few - you get around the same amount of Father Christmas visits by the way) but meeting Father Christmas is not as important as a nativity. Hence the MIL is justified in her decision (conveniently ignoring her favouritism in Paris and the rudeness of missing a pre-booked paid for trip)?

It’s an interesting take as I’m lucky enough all 4 of my DDs grandparents have tickets booked to see her meet Father Christmas for the first time next month. But they’ll be leaving the nativities to us and be happy with a video if we’re fortunate enough to get the time off work.

Seriously - were/are you the favourite? Are you a parent or grandparent that likes to play favourites? I just can’t fathom why you don’t want this little girl‘s self worth protected. It doesn’t need to be WW3 or a falling out. Just a few firm words from the OP (ideally her DH). People let CFs ride rough shod over them for fear of confrontation and offending people who have already offended them! That’s ‘Bonkers’. I do speak from
experience as I’ve already mentioned in previous posts. My DM resents my DF for never saying anything. And he’s said since I had DD he regrets it and he would absolutely protect my DD if the same situation arose now and he’s sorry he didn’t do that for me.

@Tandora please elaborate on ‘Bonkers’. I’ve just repeated what the OP said about the MIL treating the grandson as her own child and taking the prime spot for his affections in place of his DM. If you’re agreeing that MIL is bonkers for doing this, I’m right there with you! My own DM has tried to do this a bit with my DD. Despite having two DDs of her own and knowing DD will be my only one. It’s unhinged and annoying but luckily my DD adores me and won’t give my DM the ‘top spot’ like she’d like.

Seriously - were/are you the favourite?

No. I love my grandmother dearly but she’s much closer to my cousin.

Are you a parent or grandparent that likes to play favourites?

No. I’m not a grandparent.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/11/2024 10:43

@Tandora she didn't double book! She sat down with her son and his wife and planned the break away and the activities which OP then paid for. The date for the nativity came much later so she prioritised that over the arrangements already made. A normal person would have stuck to the plans made in order to be there for her granddaughter and asked for the nativity to be filmed. I can't see why you can't see this.

ThePoshUns · 23/11/2024 10:42

PurpleFlower1983 · 23/11/2024 09:59

Honestly, kids have so few nativities I wouldn’t want to miss it either. Are you just don’t day passes for Center Parcs? Is there not another day you could change to?

Edited

They're not in bloody Center Parcs read the thread ffs

Tandora · 23/11/2024 10:40

Tandora · 23/11/2024 10:30

To be clear I don’t think attending a nativity play is of primary importance - nor is “meeting Santa”.

I understand why OP is hurt, at the same time from MIL’s perspective she has double booked herself and is trying to balance doing both the Christmas trip with her DGD and nativity with her DGS.

Whether she called this right on this occasion, I think it’s utterly absurd and downright bonkers that people are calling her “a nasty woman”, “abhorrent”, “unforgivable” and suggesting she is doing untold harm to her DGD. (And DGS and daughter apparently!!)

I’d be interested to hear the perspectives of OP’s partner, her SIL and the MIL on these wild accusations.

Edited

(Also on the subject of nativity vs “meeting Santa”, personally watching my DD’s nativity plays are far more precious memories that when my DD “met Santa” for the first time. But that’s not really the point.)

Tandora · 23/11/2024 10:30

To be clear I don’t think attending a nativity play is of primary importance - nor is “meeting Santa”.

I understand why OP is hurt, at the same time from MIL’s perspective she has double booked herself and is trying to balance doing both the Christmas trip with her DGD and nativity with her DGS.

Whether she called this right on this occasion, I think it’s utterly absurd and downright bonkers that people are calling her “a nasty woman”, “abhorrent”, “unforgivable” and suggesting she is doing untold harm to her DGD. (And DGS and daughter apparently!!)

I’d be interested to hear the perspectives of OP’s partner, her SIL and the MIL on these wild accusations.