It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

On the Paris trip, OP's daughter was following her grandmother round and asking for her attention. MIL carried her grandson round the whole time and when OP's daughter asked her to pick her up, she refused. She didn't offer to pick her up or play with her later. She just refused. Do you seriously think that small children have no feelings so cannot feel rejected?

OP's daughter has loving parents but she is still being harmed by her grandmother's clear preference for her cousin

no evidence of that whatsoever. OP’s own statement was they have a great relation and Dd loves her grandma.

OP's MIL's behaviour on the Paris trip was so extreme when both children were present that OP and her DH left early
it was the adults who had the jealousy issues. This happens a lot. There’s often competition over who’s kids are most favoured by the GPs,

OP's daughter has loving parents but she is still being harmed by her grandmother's clear preference for her cousin. OP's MIL's behaviour on the Paris trip was so extreme when both children were present that OP and her DH left early. Even OP's DH, who pretty much tries to play down the impact of this favouritism on his daughter, was appalled by his mum's behaviour in Paris.

The only way it won't harm OP's daughter is for OP to reduce the opportunities for her daughter to be aware of her grandmother's favouritism for her grandson. This means pulling back and reducing contact.

However, your advice would probably be that a small child just grins and bears it.

bloody hell!

how often were you seeing this grandparent?!

I agree with this!

Plus the money you have spent on GPs not be at centre Parcs is just a bloody waste!!

Regardless of grandparent behaviour and whether the parents call it out, I think it’s important for it not to be pointed out to the child. On reflection I think what damaged me most was my ‘D’M constantly telling me how my grandparents didn’t like me, didn’t care about me, didn’t love me and they preferred my cousins. I think she was trying to be supportive ranting and raving about it but I would have been better off in ignorance and it only been talked about if I’d have chosen to bring it up myself with an emphasis on a ‘their loss’ attitude as someone else mentioned earlier.

OP should protect her daughter in both standing up to MIL, distancing if necessary and keeping DD in blissful ignorance.

if you double book, you go to the invitation you accepted FIRST

yes I agree that’s generally a good principle and arguably what MIL should have done really. But she seems to have got it into her head that she could do both- And sometimes that is what people try to do. Other times people end up prioritising the one they think is more important for whatever reason. (Eg nativity beats “meeting Santa”, birthday trumps regular get together etc).
Perhaps MIL was wrong in her choices in this instance, but I’ve just been shocked at the level of vitriol on this thread. It’s hardly an “unforgivable” , “vile” , “abhorrent” offence that justifies calling her a “nasty woman” and cutting contact!

which is why there are rules like its rude to sack off an accepted invitation...... if you double book, you go to the invitation you accepted FIRST. If there is something on the horizon that you MUST attend and you get an inviatation, then you say that you acn't commit because X comes up around that time and you are already committed to it. In this case I think it would still be hurtful but not quite as rude.

exactly

it didn’t harm my sister and i in the slightest

it was a source of family amusement!!

Right.
I think realistically almost all GPs have favourites?
Yes they should make an effort to treat all kids the same, but often the preferences do become obvious. I agree there’s no reason it should harm children with loving caregivers.

@clickclack8 I never said a big drama was needed. Just that something needs to be said to MIL. If she wants to turn being called out into a big drama then that’s up to her.

yes but yours wasn’t just a grandparent
it was what sounds like a failing on the part of the adults in your life to build your self esteem

and that needn’t have involved a big drama to protect you from your grandparents

@clickclack8 it isn’t my thread I’m
not going to give my whole life story! I’m just using my own experience as an example why behaviour similar to the OPs MIL can be damaging to a child.

so it’s a big back story of the adults in your life letting you down

your parents should have framed it that it’s their loss

and so 20 years later you still wouldn’t be wanting a relationship with them

@clickclack8 Oh I see. Well my relationship with DM isn’t the best and she also back handedly damages my self esteem which I’ve only realised recently so maybe that’s why!

I still think OPs MIL should be called out on this though.

why do you actively want a relationship with people like this?

but i’m saying… no need!

dismiss it for the nonsense behaviour it is.

Go, enjoy the holiday, be dismissive when granny leaves and as DD becomes more aware…. laugh, ridicule, joke about how daft she’s being

@clickclack8 we do agree. That’s what I’m saying. My parents should have said something so now I wouldn’t be in the estranged mess with DGP I’m in now. They will die soon and I have no contact with them, I’ve seen them about 3 times in the past 20 years. And when they die I will regret the situation but I daren’t make contact in case it’s badly received.

But I was a child. Completely innocent. As is OPs DD. It was on DGP to not play favourites and take an interest and DP to say something. So we seem to agree that OP/OPs DH should stand up for their DD as MIL’s behaviour isn’t acceptable.

we’d all bundle in the car post grandparent visit and all turn to my red faced brother and start waxing lyrical about how AMAZING he is!! 😆

i don’t think anything needs to be said

Let he go to the effort

toddler unlikely to notice and if she does “oh granny forgot about nephews nativity…. oopsie! there’s santa!”

and as she grows, it just becomes more of a family in joke. A child with strong supportive parents won’t be permanently scarred by a grandparent they rarely see favouring another!

no need to be big NC drama

just piss taking and very limited contact

i think you’ve rather misunderstood

it did impact your self esteem

i’m saying…. a grandparent favouring cousins has a detrimental and long last impact on your self esteem

really? how often did you see them? and can’t you see that your parents failed you here?!

I agree it's far better to confront the situation with mil. When my mil upset me I'd bottle it up which felt much worse. Eventually DH & I called her out on some of her behaviour & everything improved.

Why not ask her if her daughter agrees to her missing the nativity this year given she attended last year & there was a prior arrangement to go away,would she then feel more comfortable about not attending. Tell her your daughter was excited about seeing Santa with her & her daughter is fine with it.Something along those lines is what I would do OP.

@clickclack8 oh so you actually agree! Thank you!