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AIBU?

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It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

888 replies

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 14:15

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

OP posts:
eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 20/11/2024 14:54

It's a nativity thing? They will do it again next year....

DemonicCaveMaggot · 20/11/2024 14:53

If both grandchildren had a nativity play, or any other event, on the same day what would she do then?

In her shoes I would stay at Center Parcs and not go to the play, because it is a 6 hour trip for a 30 minute play and she'll miss a lot of time with her grand-daughter and not spend much time with her grandson - probably just a few minutes after the play.

I'm not sure you can say anything about it beyond how disappointed you are that she'll miss time with your DD without having another row. Can FIL stay with you that day?

CandidFinch · 20/11/2024 14:53

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CandidFinch · 20/11/2024 14:52

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Mipil · 20/11/2024 14:52

Oof… I’m not surprised you are upset after spending all that money but I think nativity play trumps seeing Santa. It’s a big deal for little ones. They have probably come up with the fairest and best compromise under the circumstances.

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 14:51

@CandidFinch It's not actually centre parcs - it's a holiday park like centre parcs. I was trying to not give all my actual correct info. I'm not sure why this is being picked apart, I can send booking confirmation 😂

OP posts:
Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 14:50

@CandidFinch - Like I said, she's not a horrible person, and we booked this with her in mind because she loves Christmas. It's DD's first santa visit, the first one she understands and is excited about - she's missing that too. If she was so looking forward to this break, she could forego one nativity for a break that cost us a fair whack of money?

@PeggyMitchellsCameo FIL loves spending time with DD, on #nightmareholidaygate he broke away from the pack to spend time with us and DD whilst MIL spent the entire time with DGS. I imagine he's probably a bit miffed about it, but would never say.

@Mekumeku because she has 3 children. Oldest daughter, middle son (DH) and youngest son who has just moved out and she is in mourning for. DGS has replaced that hole, if I'm honest.

OP posts:
maydaymayday1 · 20/11/2024 14:50

Even with that reply just say no.

I would really "honestly it's too
Much for fil, maybe you can fit us in another time, we will send you pics"

I just couldn't tolerate this at all

Whatsitreallylike · 20/11/2024 14:50

Without the context and background I’d have said she inadvertently committed to two different things that conflict and is doing her best NOT to show favouritism by trying to attend both. On that basis, given you’re trying to built bridges, I would try not to let the past cloud your judgement and have a nice time the rest of the time you’re with them

CandidFinch · 20/11/2024 14:49

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NerrSnerr · 20/11/2024 14:49

How local do you all live to MIL? Is it that she has a closer relationship to her daughter than to your husband? I'm just wondering how the dynamics are.

It sounds like she's trying to please everyone.

I'm wondering what happened with the argument? Does she feel torn and unable to let anyone down in case it all kicks off again?

Brefugee · 20/11/2024 14:49

So many low bars here.
Are you happy for the disruption to anything you might be doing at the time she comes back, OP?

You could, of course just do your thing and get back to your lodge at bedtime...

And yes: a nativity play in December is entirely foreseeable. Especially to the granny of a Golden Grandchild

walltowallkents · 20/11/2024 14:48

I would also bet you’d have a problem with her missing your child’s nativity if she was away with your SIL on a trip. This woman is bending over backwards to accommodate everyone I actually can’t believe you have the cheek to be annoyed at her for it.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 20/11/2024 14:48

I wonder how the poor FIL feels? He may have been looking forward to the break and now he’s got to add hours of driving to the day.

Mekumeku · 20/11/2024 14:47

Why do you think your MIL prefers the grandson?

Ponoka7 · 20/11/2024 14:47

If the parents are available to go, I'd tell her not to bother coming. The first nativity I'd say fair enough, but not the second and not when she has another grandchild. This is your DD's first Christmas were she is properly engaging and that should now take priority.

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 14:47

Just to clarify - we are travelling up Tuesday, staying Wednesday, coming home Thursday.

OP posts:
CandidFinch · 20/11/2024 14:46

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CandidFinch · 20/11/2024 14:46

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walltowallkents · 20/11/2024 14:45

So what the holiday has been in the diary for six months? She obviously didn’t know the nativity date six months ago.

Not many people would be willing to travel for hours in one day to keep two families and their kids happy. You’re lucky she’s willing to do that for you. Let this one go.

(Also, you seem to think you’re doing her a favour by “treating” her to this holiday, but she’s actually the one doing you a favour by going! Centre parcs isn’t everyone’s idea of a good time and you should bear that in mind.)

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 14:44

I am honestly so glad I posted here, thank you for your responses.

@CandidFinch the reason we booked it is because we do have a good relationship with them separate from SIL. It took a good year to rebuild the bridges after the dreaded whole family holiday last year and things were positive. We do get on with SIL also but the favouritism is so rife in a big group that DH and I decided to remove ourselves from it, but encourage a relationship between GPs and DD - which we thought was the mature thing to do for her sake.

I've spoken to DH about this a few times - either he really just isn't bothered, or puts on a great poker face. He says if it ever appears to be having an effect on DD, then he will pick it up, otherwise we just continue as we are.

Oh and the 'unintentional' comment is laughable because this woman has a paper diary and she definitely, 100% would've checked and thought I'll say yes and then give my excuses to Bounty9 nearer the time.

I have sent her a text, I have said that it's a real shame. it's a lot of travelling - she will miss the majority of activities on the day and so it would be easier for her to stay at home and just come up that evening once nativity is finished. She has replied "Oh no, it's ok - FIL is fine with the driving. I've been really looking forward to this break, just unfortunate the DGS nativity has fallen in the middle'.

I think I'm just going to leave it now and let DH speak to her when he sees her tomorrow.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 20/11/2024 14:44

Tell them its not really worth coming .
I have been in your position OP and no longer do holidays with the in laws due to my DC having to come second to SIL's batshit over the top PF (and S) B antics. My kids are old enough to realise now and view MIL as a wonderful GP as long as their cousins aren't around.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/11/2024 14:44

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I'm assuming one full day, two night stay.

EarlofShrewsbury · 20/11/2024 14:43

yeesh · 20/11/2024 14:23

Why is the holiday only for one full day if you’re all going together?

The op says it's a 3 day break so I assume they travel up on the Friday, travel home on the Sunday, giving them only 1 full day there.

I wouldn't put up with this. She hasn't unintentionally double booked, she's just decided that your trip isn't as important to her so she's letting you down.

You're right to feel hurt and annoyed. I would uninvite them.

CandidFinch · 20/11/2024 14:42

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