It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

My sister’s in laws are like this and it’s so blatant. Even to the extent they did something with a different grandchild on one of her children’s birthdays. I don’t know how she keeps her mouth shut about it. I wouldn’t be able to hold back from giving them a piece of my mind.

You have two choices, really. One is to just say nothing, but resolve to never plan or book anything like this for them again.

And the other is to say, we’re really hurt you have clearly chosen one grandchild over the other. We won’t be planning or inviting you to something like this again, so I hope you’re happy with your choice.

Sadly some grandparents do have favourites, often the first/oldest grandchild and it is hurtful. All you can do is protect your own children from being hurt by it.

She is all but cancelling! She will be gone most of the day with a long round trip, and possibly missing lots of fun activities of her Grandaughter.

Just so mean.

@Bounty9 sorry but it appears that the sun shines out of the first grandchild's backside and that is the way it will be for evermore!! your daughter will forever remain inconsequential in those gps' lives! been there, done that, worn out the tee shirt!

Keep the conversation simple, it’s not true that it was double booking - another event came up and she wants to prioritize it.
I would be furious if I were your DH.

I imagine this post is from someone who hasn't experienced the way some MIL's prioritise their daughters children over their sons.
It won't be in isolation, OP will be sick of all the minor incidents of favouritism and probably just wanted a couple of days where HER child was the sole focus for his GP's

this, its a couple of hours.

I don’t understand why so many women on this site seem so overinvested in their in-laws’ behaviour. She’s not your mother - what do you care?

I get annoyed when my mum does stuff like this but with my partner’s family I consider it his family, his problem.

Make your life easier and unburden yourself from the stress of caring. Annoying you’ve paid for it but more annoying to waste time fuming over it.

they're just popping to see the play then they'll be back, its disappointing, but they'll be back by dinner

I don't think in the grand scheme of things its snub really.

my entire family goes to everyones performances if they can, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great aunts and uncles. its nice!

They had already agreed to come on the holiday with you and your DD but are letting you all down in favour of her other grandchild? That is unacceptable, especially given their previous prioritising of this grandchild. I would be totally furious and wouldn't bother with them any more.

I couldn't get worked up about this honestly. She's a grandmother and I think it's quite normal for grandparents to want to be at a nativity, which happens once a year! Our nativity dates were only given 2 weeks ago. She hasn't double booked, but the date has just come out. Can't be helped and she's not cancelling on you!

How on earth is a nativity for a 3.5yo more important than this one off mini holiday.

I would honestly say to her... I am very disappointed. We have had this booked for 6 months now and you are letting us, and more importantly, your grandaughter down. She was so looking forward to spending time with you both.

Holy Cow I'd be raging OP. I've been in a similar situation. Had a weekend booked in with in-laws and they cancelled for their own daughter. They have a much closer relationship with her although not through lack of trying to facilitate a relationship on our part.

They are paying the price now though. My eldest is JUST like in-laws in terms of interests and my eldest will tolerate GP but will shrug and say "they were never that bothered before I did X and Y". And their other DC are becoming more distant as they get older and don't have those shared interests.

It's caused a lot of ill feeling between siblings and adults too because who wants their precious DC to ever feel second best?

I would probably say to MIL here that you think it would be best if she didn't come because you don't want your DD to feel like Granny is going off for a day. That would really have upset my DD and they would have been asking for Granny all day. And if she tries to say she's doing her best and trying to satisfy everyone say something like "I think it's best we don't discuss it further" so she knows you are insanely pissed off.

They didn't "double book" - you booked this trip with them in the summer and the nativity play date will only have been announced recently. So they agreed to go to the nativity play knowing they were away with you at the time.
I wouldn't fall out with them over this, I'd simply tell them not to bother coming just for one night, as your daughter will be tired by the time they arrive and you go home the next day. And I wouldn't invite them on trips again in future. They've made their priorities clear.

I am hurt that on this occasion, for the sake of a nativity (when she went to the last one and will go to the next) she couldn't just say no and put DD first.
Which she honestly has never done.

Where is the downside of you telling her this?

Yes, agree about never putting yourself out again.

I'm assuming the SIL is MIL's daughter, and the OP here is never going to be able to compete with a strong mother/daughter relationship. But no grandma should play favourites with the grandchildten as obviously as this.

Bounty9, in light of your updates, I'd be thinking about how to manage your DD's relationship with MIL, if she can't be fairer.

This ^
The Nativity date was advertised quite recently. There is no double booking. She forgot that she’s going away with you which is fine but for fairness she should have told the other grandchild that unfortunately Gran would miss this one so send me lots of photos.
I would let go genuine double booking or serious medical stuff, it happens but it’s not that. It’s on her that she promised to come to the Nativity without checking so she should show a good example of being a grown up and stick to her promises - should have checked her diary.
What if she’d had a hospital appointment?

I would be very disappointed too. In this instance she has made a commitment to your family for a break away doing things that you have booked for your child.

Yes I understand she is trying to stretch herself into two places but it doesn't work. If I were her I would be honouring my first commitment to the break.

Once again it does show you where her priorities lie. I wouldn't say anything more as her text has been polite etc but I would be quietly annoyed as you are.

Why didn't you explicitly point out that even if they do the drive, they're still going to miss their granddaughter's first Father Christmas visit? I think you're letting them off the hook a bit. Yes, a nativity is a nice thing to support, but they had committed to this trip first.

OP what’s your SIL like? Is MIL scared of annoying her? Is she the sort to reduce contact if things don’t go her way?

it sounds like poor MIL is desperately trying a balancing act and I wonder if there is something ever so slightly tipping the balance beyond mere favouritism? I might be way off but worth consideration.

we also sometimes feel like we come second fiddle but for us it’s very much proximity as BIL and family live literally round the corner so they basically spend all their time together and we do feel a bit left out but it’s not actually anyone’s fault

He is three and a half, so it will be a Nursery Nativity ( his second) . They will stand there, or possibly just sit on little chairs so they don’t wander off, a nursery worker will read something out, they will shake bells and sing some of the words to Little Donkey. Totally meaningless.

Tell the in-laws not to bother coming at all OP, you , your DP and your DD will have a lovely little family break and enjoy Centre Parks.

And if there is karma in the world you won’t be able to get extra tickets for MiL when your DD is chosen to be Mary in a proper School Nativity!

I think they are being really really mean.

Why can't she say to her daughter "no, we can't come to DGSs nativity, I'm sorry. We are on a break with your brother and our other GC and it's been booked for 6 months so we are not going to let them down"

I would be keeping the relationship with your DD and them going but I would be stepping back from anything like this again. Their loss.

Yeh I’d be saying more. Nothing too explosive, but along the lines of “I’m shocked you’ve chosen the nativity of DGG1 over the Christmas activities with DGG2 after the fall out last year, but I suppose this confirms what we were saying. Disappointing after us booking a while ago and you did see the nativity last year.”