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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

888 replies

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 14:15

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

OP posts:
Lemonadeand · 20/11/2024 15:13

FrostyTheSnowHuman · 20/11/2024 15:02

I don’t understand why so many women on this site seem so overinvested in their in-laws’ behaviour. She’s not your mother - what do you care?

I get annoyed when my mum does stuff like this but with my partner’s family I consider it his family, his problem.

Make your life easier and unburden yourself from the stress of caring. Annoying you’ve paid for it but more annoying to waste time fuming over it.

I don’t understand why so many women on this site seem so overinvested in their in-laws’ behaviour. She’s not your mother - what do you care?

Because they’re your child’s grandparent.

Hoppinggreen · 20/11/2024 15:13

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Well she should probably have realised the score and given up by now then but I suppose she hoped that MIL might actually prioritise her child for once.
I gave up with MIL when i invited her to lunch with me and my DC and she asked if she could bring SIL's DC as well since SIL "needed a break" (no idea what from). I asked if it could just be us for once and she agreed, only to turn up with them and shout at me when I asked why she had done that.
I leave her to DH now.

BustingBaoBun · 20/11/2024 15:12

beAsensible1 · 20/11/2024 15:11

where we are yep! there were about 8 of us at sports day 😂 it was hilarious

What if everyone brought that many to a nativity? It wouldn't work would it

LadyGabriella · 20/11/2024 15:11

Your poor DD.

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 15:11

For those saying it's a couple of hours - she said they will be leaving 11am on the Weds, attending nativity at 12:30, staying for lunch and then travelling back and will aim to be back for 4:30pm, so it is almost the whole day.

I wouldn't be upset if we hadn't booked this and paid it with them in mind - MIL is obsessed with christmas so I thought oh it would be nice to us to go away, see santa, do some festive things. MIL will really enjoy that - it will be special for DD. I can see now that I clearly have mug written on my forehead.

@NotOneOfTheInCrowd - I'm asking her to take priority on the one occasion because we booked for them to come away with us. We asked them if they wanted to come - they said yes, now they're saying they will miss half of it. I don't think I'm being that unreasonable.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 20/11/2024 15:11

BustingBaoBun · 20/11/2024 15:05

my entire family goes to everyones performances if they can, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great aunts and uncles. its nice!

Do they let that many in? This is something I've never heard of. It was a long time ago for nativity with mine, but it was strictly just 1 or 2 max.

where we are yep! there were about 8 of us at sports day 😂 it was hilarious

BustingBaoBun · 20/11/2024 15:11

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With the travel, the OP said in her first post, it will be 6 hours

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/11/2024 15:11

JustinThyme · 20/11/2024 14:28

I’m sorry, OP , and I completely understand you’re hurt. But I wouldn’t want to miss a nativity either. There are so few of them and schools are dropping them all
the time.

The local primary used to do nativities up to Y6. Then it was Y4, then KS1 and now it’s only Nursery and Reception. They are memories you keep forever.

I’m sure your DD will have a wonderful time and it will be lovely for you. Your in-laws will miss out on some that, yes, but there’s no reason you can’t enjoy it to the full.

So you would be so rude as to do this to your child who had booked and paid for you to have a weekend away? Really? I wouldn't dream of doing this to somebody, let alone one of my kids.

AnonymousBleep · 20/11/2024 15:09

She obviously hasn't 'double booked' - she will only have just had the dates for the nativity, so daughter has asked her if she wants to come, and she's ditched you to say yes.

Just take her off the booking and tell her not to bother coming. Let her make the running.

As an aside - I am grateful I'll never have to sit through another nativity again!

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/11/2024 15:09

I would be livid. Somebody can film the nativity. What a joke and rude to boot. She didn't "double book", she's just found out the date of the nativity and it clashes. I'd tell them not to bother and have a lovely weekend together. Not on at all. I'm

CandidFinch · 20/11/2024 15:08

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Onekidnoclue · 20/11/2024 15:08

I voted you’re being unreasonable but it was a mistake. I don’t think you are!
you are being unrealistic though. I have the “less favoured” grandchildren and it does really hurt. I think you need to either accept the inequality or push back every single time though. I am a chicken and just quietly seeth and think she’s a fucking idiot as my children are quite obviously vastly superior and my DM is a moron for favouring my niece 🫢

beAsensible1 · 20/11/2024 15:08

beAsensible1 · 20/11/2024 15:01

they're just popping to see the play then they'll be back, its disappointing, but they'll be back by dinner

I don't think in the grand scheme of things its snub really.

my entire family goes to everyones performances if they can, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great aunts and uncles. its nice!

its not* a snub

kittybiscuits · 20/11/2024 15:08

walltowallkents · 20/11/2024 14:45

So what the holiday has been in the diary for six months? She obviously didn’t know the nativity date six months ago.

Not many people would be willing to travel for hours in one day to keep two families and their kids happy. You’re lucky she’s willing to do that for you. Let this one go.

(Also, you seem to think you’re doing her a favour by “treating” her to this holiday, but she’s actually the one doing you a favour by going! Centre parcs isn’t everyone’s idea of a good time and you should bear that in mind.)

Edited

OP is not "lucky". It's awful behaviour from the grandparents. You've already updated, OP, or I would have suggested saying 'as you've now made other plans for the weekendof our trip, we'd prefer it if you didn't come and we've made alternative arrangements'. I would be really angry about the comings and goings and the 6 hour absence and it would spoil the very short weekend.

I wouldn't make any more plans, OP, even if you do go along with this daft solution they havecome up with.

Brefugee · 20/11/2024 15:08

I wouldn't be mentioning the prioritizing of one child over another. I would be saying, firmly, "no that doesn't work for us. We'll do something another time"

I may ponder sending her a tear stained video of DD saying "I wish granny was here she loves santa" wouldn't fo it. But I wouldn't be re-arranging a trip either)

DowntonNabby · 20/11/2024 15:07

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But they'll be missing the highlight of trip – granddaughter going to see Father Christmas for the first time.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 20/11/2024 15:07

I think MILs are damned if they do, damned if they don’t.

These boards are full of posts from OP’s who essentially don’t even want their MIL involved in their children’s lives unless strictly on their terms, but are happy for their own mums to be involved. And now we have a MIL who is happy to be involved with both children and that’s not good enough because the OP’s DD should apparently take priority.

TBH you sound jealous of the fact that your MIL has another grandchild she also adores. I wonder whether this favouritism really exists or what the other side of the story is.

BustingBaoBun · 20/11/2024 15:07

beAsensible1 · 20/11/2024 15:02

this, its a couple of hours.

No it's not. The OP has said with the long journey there and back it's 6 hours

No point in them being there at all IMHO

JetskiSkyJumper · 20/11/2024 15:07

Yanbu op.

I understand she wants to see dgs in his nativity but she had plans and it's exceptionally rude to dump you in this way. It's not a casual shopping trip or a day out that can be easily rearranged. I'd just tell them not to bother and never arrange trips away with them again.

Lemonadeand · 20/11/2024 15:07

TiramisuThief · 20/11/2024 14:26

Got to be honest, I would be really miffed too.

Doesn't every kid get a spot in the nativity? Are they seriously suggesting a 3 hour round trip to see him play sheep number 4?

I really feel for your DH. It's really hurtful and I think him playing it off as no big deal is him trying to pretend it's OK.

It's not ok.

Even if he was Joseph I’d still be pissed off, lol (speaking as a parent whose child was indeed a sheep last year!).

CandidFinch · 20/11/2024 15:07

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CandidFinch · 20/11/2024 15:07

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Hoppinggreen · 20/11/2024 15:06

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Because 1 year in she still has hope, I didn't lose mine until year 2 I think!

BustingBaoBun · 20/11/2024 15:05

my entire family goes to everyones performances if they can, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great aunts and uncles. its nice!

Do they let that many in? This is something I've never heard of. It was a long time ago for nativity with mine, but it was strictly just 1 or 2 max.

CandidFinch · 20/11/2024 15:05

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