It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

Genuinely curious..

Why?

Do you have daughters or sons?

I SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later'

ahh I got that wrong.

She paid NO attention to her grand-daughter other than to rebuff her when she tried to get her grandmother's attention.

Im not sure on this one tbh. What is “no attention”? I read this as a turn of phrase rather than a literal descriptor. Did MIL literally not speak her DGD the entire trip? Acknowledge her at all? Other than to rebuff her? Sounds implausible.

MIL's relationship with her DGS may not be creepy, but it is overbearing and she behaves more like a parent than a grandparent to the extent that her own daughter finds it difficult to deal with.

Subjective . This is opinion not fact.

Sorry, it’s been a busy few days and I haven’t had time to catch up until now. I have clearly split opinion with this one!

I forgot that DH is off on Monday anyway so he will be going over to see MIL, not myself. Which tbh is probably best to give me a bit of time to just cool off. I’m not going to cut contact, I realise that DD loves her and like I said - alone, they have a good relationship.

I have however realised that whether I like it or not, there is favouritism, and I’m sure as everyone grows, it’ll become more apparent how we need to handle it. At the moment, I’m just giving them 1:1 time and avoiding group situations where I get upset as I don’t want massive family fall outs. But this one has hurt me a fair bit, and so I’m taking a little step back from MIL and the amount of effort I pour into her. DH can continue to see her with DD as he pleases.

In terms of the break, we’re just going to enjoy it and not take any notice of them leaving. We are going to focus on DD and just make sure she has the best time. I have said to DH that it’ll be the last trip we do with them though, because it inevitably doesn’t end well.

Thank you for all your input, it was really helpful when my head felt a bit scrambled. At the end of the day I have to remember that she has two parents that adore her, and really that’s all she needs, GPs are just nice bonuses.

In terms of the facts, the grandson is a year older than OP's DD so had less need to be picked up and carried about:

'SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later'

You said:

'She paid more attention to her daughter and DGS than OP/ her son/ DGD.'

That is factually correct but not the full picture. She paid NO attention to her grand-daughter other than to rebuff her when she tried to get her grandmother's attention.

MIL's relationship with her DGS may not be creepy, but it is overbearing and she behaves more like a parent than a grandparent to the extent that her own daughter finds it difficult to deal with.

I don't think OP is jealous but I think that she is worried about the impact on her daughter. I think she will stop trying so hard to build the relationship between her DD and her MIL.

So to me the facts are :

she was carrying her DGS (I believe he is younger?)

At least once DD asked to hold her hand/ be picked up , but she said no because she was already holding DGS.

She paid more attention to her daughter and DGS than OP/ her son/ DGD.

It got to the point where OP/ her partner got really upset at the differential treatment and cross words were said.

None of this sounds particularly unusual to me- I think it’s common in families. It is highly likely that MIL does have a closer relationship to her DDs family than her DS’s family (we all know how that comes about). It sounds like she needs to work on being a bit less obvious about it when they are all together.

OP also says that MIL has been really supportive of her over the years. That she has a great relationship with her DGD and that DGD loves her

OP also says that her DP has a somewhat different perspective to her and doesn’t think the situation is as bad.

My interpretation.

None of this makes MIL a terrible person- just an ordinary human, but she does need to work on being a bit more sensitive/ aware of some of the dynamics.

it sounds like MIL is especially close to DGS but does also love and make an effort wither her DGD and they have a positive (not harmful ) relationship. .

OP’s posts are suggestive that she feels significant jealousy about MILs relationship with DGS. this is highly likely to be clouding her perspective, as jealousy does do that. This is also evidenced to me in the way that OP implausibly problematises her MIL’s attachment to her DGS implying that it is somehow unhealthy/ creepy and causing issues with her daughter, which sounds v far-fetched to me and not supported by the facts (eg why does DD give her so much access?) OP needs to work on the competitiveness/
comparisons over whose children are favoured the most; and try to just focus on her family and their relationship with MIL and not worry so much about SIL and DGS,

Sorry, it’s been a busy few days and I haven’t had time to catch up until now. I have clearly split opinion with this one!

I forgot that DH is off on Monday anyway so he will be going over to see MIL, not myself. Which tbh is probably best to give me a bit of time to just cool off. I’m not going to cut contact, I realise that DD loves her and like I said - alone, they have a good relationship.

I have however realised that whether I like it or not, there is favouritism, and I’m sure as everyone grows, it’ll become more apparent how we need to handle it. At the moment, I’m just giving them 1:1 time and avoiding group situations where I get upset as I don’t want massive family fall outs. But this one has hurt me a fair bit, and so I’m taking a little step back from MIL and the amount of effort I pour into her. DH can continue to see her with DD as he pleases.

In terms of the break, we’re just going to enjoy it and not take any notice of them leaving. We are going to focus on DD and just make sure she has the best time. I have said to DH that it’ll be the last trip we do with them though, because it inevitably doesn’t end well.

Thank you for all your input, it was really helpful when my head felt a bit scrambled. At the end of the day I have to remember that she has two parents that adore her, and really that’s all she needs, GPs are just nice bonuses.

Nasty is a very strong word and totally inappropriate to describe MIL.in this situation
MIL can't win whatever she does.
And I would consider myself to have high standards

FIL may well be fully on board, but FILs never get blamed for anything on mumsnet

This what OP said about the Paris trip:

'She carried DGS everywhere the whole time (even though SIL asked her to let him walk) and when my DD asked to hold her hand/be picked up she would say no, sorry, she was holding DGS. She didn’t play with her or try to interact with her, despite DD’s attempts. We asked if she wanted to come on some rides with us at Disney after she had been on some with DGS and she refused and stayed with SIL.'

'It all came to a head one evening when DD was trying to get her attention and she was ignoring her in favour of DGS - there were crossed words, DH said if it didn’t balance out, then we’d have to pull back when we got home. We got an earlier Eurostar home because we had had enough and it just ended pretty badly.'

This reads as if OP's MIL gave no attention at all to OP's DD during the trip. These sound like facts, rather the OP's interpretation of the facts. How would you separate the facts in OP's account from OP's interpretations/impressions/opinions?

I think that most parents would be upset by OP's MIL's treatment of her DD during this trip. It makes me feel quite sad reading it but you are obviously made of sterner stuff.

I don’t think she’s an “unreliable narrator” but there are always different sides/ perspectives to the same story.
Whenever I read mumsnet posts I always separate what are the facts in the OP , from what are interpretations/ impressions/ opinions that the OP is sharing .
One thing that always amazes me is it doesn’t seem that the majority of people do this? Why?
this distinction is important and people do really need to pay attention to it to be able to give balanced advice.
we are all human, and our accounts are always partial and told from our own perspective

@Tandora I’m struggling to think of any new information from the MIL’s/DH’s etc perspective that would change my opinion of MIL’s plan to leave the trip. I’m curious, do you have any theories that you think justifies MIL’s behaviour?

and i can't help thinking that you know nothing about the life I have led.

If you think that the OP is an unreliable narrator, I don't know why you are even posting on this thread. The OP actually seems quite measured and pragmatic. Many people would have told MIL not to bother coming on the Santa holiday at all.

My point was that MIL did not offer to play with/pick up OP's daughter later when she had finished playing with her grandson. She refused to do it at all. She gave OP's daughter no attention for the whole trip. It was blatant enough for OP's DH to be upset.

If you are carrying one of your children and the other asks to be picked up, do you say no and never pick them up again? Of course not. I'm sure that you give both your children fairly equal attention.

if you consider that unforgivable I can’t help thinking you must have lived a very sheltered life

I just think you are making some sweeping assumptions based on some very bare facts that you have only heard from one very partial perspective.
If I am already carrying one of my children and the other asks to be picked up I will also say no, because I only have two arms.

given the background, I'd call it unforgivable and rude and a toss up between stupid and nasty.

Sorry, I agree with you that dates aren’t released in advance only adding on that it also isn’t hard to guess when the nativity will be.

Definitely agree this isn’t a double-booking and this is MIL being rude. She is missing most of the day that they are there. I wouldn’t be keen to invite her again and enable her behaviour especially since this was planned out as a group and a good amount of money was spent on this.

I wonder what FIL thinks since he is the one that is going to be doing the driving for this. I wonder if he is ok leaving knowing they had planned things with his son, OP, and granddaughter and his wife has decided they have to be at the nativity play.

I wouldn’t be ok with this in his shoes.

if you double book, you go to the invitation you accepted FIRST

yes I agree that’s generally a good principle and arguably what MIL should have done really. But she seems to have got it into her head that she could do both- And sometimes that is what people try to do. Other times people end up prioritising the one they think is more important for whatever reason. (Eg nativity beats “meeting Santa”, birthday trumps regular get together etc).
Perhaps MIL was wrong in her choices in this instance, but I’ve just been shocked at the level of vitriol on this thread. It’s hardly an “unforgivable” , “vile” , “abhorrent” offence that justifies calling her a “nasty woman” and cutting contact!

@phoenixrosehere I think you’ve misunderstood me. The point I was trying to make is they don’t release the dates for a nativity months in advance. Therefore if the trip
was booked months in advance then MIL can’t have ‘double booked’ as she and many posters are claiming. The nativity date has recently been confirmed and she’s backed out of the main part of the pre-booked trip as a result.

On the Paris trip, OP's daughter was following her grandmother round and asking for her attention. MIL carried her grandson round the whole time and when OP's daughter asked her to pick her up, she refused. She didn't offer to pick her up or play with her later. She just refused. Do you seriously think that small children have no feelings so cannot feel rejected?