It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

In my school there are only 3 nativities, in foundation, yr 1 and yr 2. They are all incredibly special- in the first year they are some sort of animal (but so sweet and little), years 1 and 2 they have speaking parts. Then it’s over. Plus they are so lovely- they represent a thread of Christmas through time for me (me, my siblings and now all our kids still doing similar things). No way would I miss one unless I was in hospital or something. Saying that the MIL has seen one already isn’t really the point.

I think you are being unreasonable.

I think your expectations around your MIL are too much.

I think today is about her bailing for a few hours for a nativity, but tomorrow it will be something else. Anytime she appears to treat her DGS just a tad more preferentially, you are going to be running a mental comparison tick chart.

If all were fair then all MIL's would be like second mothers, who treat all their GC totally equally all of the time, but in reality it doesn't always work out that way and to be honest, most people accept this to an extent, I mean most women might naturally have their own mother be more involved with their DCs than their MIL.

I think you need to accept that a good relationship between MIL and DGD is enough and stop running the comparison chart because there's potentially years of aggravation to come if you don't. As long as your MIL loves DD, and DD adores her then that is good.

If this was the cause of last years upset, she knows exactly how you'll be feeling this time.

You know she favours her daughter's child. She knows that you know.

There's no reason for any more pretence. Let the lovely relationship between her and your DD continue. And try not to bear a grudge.

But apart from that, I'd just accept this as the status quo.

But She doesn't get invites to DDs nativity, ballet show, graduation. You won't want to risk DD being disappointed to be trumped by her cousin. Make sure MIL knows this is the last time you allow her to let DD down.

Maybe message her back with "It's ok, I understand - you've had a better offer" and leave it at that. She knows you know.

@Bounty9

I just think this is a bit of a wake up call maybe... you were hoping to get things back to no blatant favouritism and that hasn't worked so at least now you know where you stand and can act accordingly in the future.

I just imagine if the boot was on the other foot and Grandma bailed out of something that DGS was doing, there would be hell from her DD!

But now you know.

Have only read your posts OP, so not sure if anyone suggested this but….

could your parents join you? If so I would get your DH to message back saying

“No worries, as you can’t join the main part of the time away Bounty’s parents will join us for this trip and we’ll organise something with you two for another time”

I get your hurt. The correct response would have been to tell SIL they were away and couldn’t make it.

A word of warning, my family has experienced exactly this sort of treatment and it escalated as the kids got older. Cousin being invited to Grandparents for sleepovers, ours were not. Pocket money given to cousin, nothing to our child. I could go on. Someone said your child will notice eventually. Totally true. Ours absolutely noticed. In our case PiL have even split their will uneven so the other grandchild gets a bigger share. They’ve told us all so there are no ‘surprises’ but can you imagine trying to understand the rationale for that as a child? To be honest I wish we had done more to protect ours from this.

I can't imagine a grandmother would want to miss her grandsons (first?) nativity.

It's not his first. She went last year

This is such an adult projection. @Bounty9 ‘s daughter is 2.5 years old! She won’t have a clue. You just say “Granny and Grandad are going to go and do something important at [cousin’s] school while we go and do some fun activities, but they’ll be back at dinner time and to read you a story later.” No issue at all unless an adult somewhere makes it one.

She wouldn't have known the nativity date at time of booking. I think making any plans in December when you have nursery/school age kids is always dangerous and plans are never concrete until all the Xmas stuff has been pencilled in and confirmed.

I can't imagine a grandmother would want to miss her grandsons (first?) nativity. I would look to change the centre parcs dates if you can or just let her come along and then go back for the nativity as she wishes.

It's not a personal dig at you or your child, she is just trying to do everything and please everyone.

This comes from someone who's children don't have a grandmother as she chose not to be in their lives so please understand how much it means and make the most of the time she makes for your child.

She is probably gutted that she can't have both grand children together because of what's gone on with the family by the sounds of it? It sounds like she is torn between two of them

I'm not sure why your DH is OK with his daughter being an afterthought for his mum to the extent that she is willing to miss most of the pre-booked and paid for holiday with her grand-daughter in order to attend a 30 minute Nativity for her grandson, which she attended last year. He seems very passive. Was he treated like this as a child with his sister being the favourite? If so, he shouldn't let this unfairness affect another generation of children.

I suspect MIL might see her solution (driving to see the nativity and then coming back) as best of both worlds and I can sort of see the logic (as things stand she’ll have 2 evenings and mornings with 1GC, the middle of one day with the other). That actually seems pretty logical especially as the GC can do activities during the middle of the full day. I bet the GC won’t care whether Granny is there for the full day if she’s doing interesting stuff.

Plus she agreed to this before she knew the date of the nativity which is incredibly special for lots of people, I daresay she’d have said no if the date was known. These things happen, it’s not worth destroying the relationship between GP/ GC over.

Is she really supposed to blow off the nativity?

Yes.

She agreed 6 months ago on a trip 2 hours drive away and activities pre planned with her and her DGD

I think she is due credit that she is trying to make everything work.

You will all have the first night together.

Yes she is away for 5 hours but she will still be there for breakfast until mid morning, with a little one you'll all be up about 7am anyway.

Then you can all have dinner together, the second night together and breakfast/mid morning time together on day 3.

I know it's hard, I was a mum with little and I look back and think I placed too high importance on some things.

I'm not saying it's not important but it's not like she has completely blown you off.

Preschool and schools are not great at giving dates for nativities and things like that. So she probably has had your trip in her paper diary and when she's been advised of nativity has probably felt very stuck and working out how she can be in two places at once.

Is she really supposed to blow off the nativity?

We didn't have anyone else at first santa visit as it felt special for only us.

But I do think nativities are special for extended family.

It's not clear cut, it sounds like she is trying to do her best.

I just don't think you should go the nuclear option, univite her and then blow her off for the foreseeable future over this. I mean you can by all means

You have two paths and neither of them are what you wanted, I get that.

Question is which one will cause your situation the least damage and provide you with the most support as new parents after this short break.

Good luck x

I’m just saying what I would say. Wouldn’t be able to stop myself.

Yes I am not sure she would have done this intentionally- we only found out the dates of the nativity after October half term (so 2 weeks ago).

If your DD loves her I would let it go and maybe try to put some of the activities in on the Thursday- still plenty of time to get home even if you stay until dinner.

I think though, and you may feel this is slightly unfair, part of you still might be hoping/ expecting that she’ll treat your kids the same as her daughter’s. If that’s going to happen (and it might not, some people just feel closer to some parts of their family) it has to happen naturally but don’t force it, try to just accept the relationship they do have. Personal I wouldn’t be booking any organised activities for a bit as it all sounds too stressful and likely to end in bad feeling.

In fact I think I’d be handing over the management of that relationship to your DH so you can focus on your side of the family.

No, MIL is not allowed to have a favourite or be given x amount of chances.
I think we should agree to disagree on our opinions

and yet i just got back from a holiday where people popped off to see others unplanned, some of us even tagged along. we even rearranged the schedule to make it easier 🙂

amazingly no one died or took it personally. again i don't assume bad faith from people i care about and who i know care about me.

if it bothers that much say something.

I would be very upset too. Unfortunately our kids are just accessories to their cousins and there for them to play with and of little interest on their own and must not achieve anything the cousins haven't or it will be ignored. A family holiday trumps a grandchild's nativity surely. If he's preschool age he'll probably have another one in infant school and it'll be recorded by someone anyway.

Your MIL and FIL both incredibly rude. It’s the height of bad manners to agree to something then months later say you’ve double booked. I’d leave it to your H to sort out but would definitely want them to know how disappointed you all are. And I’d never ask them to anything like this again.

It's going to make it very awkward them leaving, then coming back.

Your child wondering why granny and grandpa are leaving. Then granny and grandpa coming back and being told everything you have done that they have missed out on. You then listening to details of a nativity play and lunch that they left you for.

I would find it very hard to be smiley and polite and pleasant after paying for the trip that they are then choosing to bail out of for a significant period of time.

Standard manners are that one honours the commitment agreed in the first place. You have selected activities to do that they aren't even going to be present for. Your child is then disappointed, but will obviously quickly get over that.

I think it would be better under the circumstances, that granny has decided, that they just don't come. It will just be more awkward, they will be tired, you will be upset. It just doesn't work.

Take your parents instead if you can.

Just to say, it is really hard to get the right balance between children and grandchildren. Sometimes someone thinks the other one is being favoured etc. when you’re just trying to do your best.

However, isn’t it pretty much accepted in life that one doesn’t bail on prior commitments, unless something really important takes precedence? Watching a second nativity play doesn’t count as really important, really, does it. Not in this case.