It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

It is not be done deliberately.
Your child has a good relationship.
Leave it at that.
Dont pass on your own anger onto your child.

Grandparents have favourites, parents have favourites - it is what it is.

I’m not implying it’s something that the MIL wouldn’t enjoy by saying she’s doing OP a favour by attending, it IS a favour to her, whether she enjoys it or not. In the same way that your wedding guests are doing you a favour by attending, you aren’t doing them one by inviting them. It’s OP’s weekend that she wants to have, and it’s her who wants MIL to attend, and she has chosen to pay for it. MIL isn’t somehow indebted to OP because OP has chosen to pay for this “treat”. It’s great if MIL enjoys the weekend, but ultimately it’s OP’s weekend. I think OP needs to bear that in mind as she seems to think she’s doing MIL a great favour by inviting her and paying.

Also you’re saying she could have said no. Well I can imagine how that would have gone down. 😂

Credit for what? Prioritising the favourite grandchild even though she had a prior commitment with her grand-daughter? She saw her grandson in his nativity last year and this year isn't available to attend as she had already agreed to go on this holiday and see her grand-daughter meet Santa for the first time, which she will now miss.

She should get no credit. Her behaviour is horrible.

Grandparents are going to do both.

I'd have to be honest. Say that it's incredibly poor form of them to leave a holiday they've agreed to attend for another engagement and that your DD will notice the obvious favouritism they show DGS one day.

It’s a big deal for a grandparent to miss a nativity play? No it isn’t, it really isn’t. My grandparents never saw me, the grandparents of my children have never attended either.

Your MIL sounds like a pain in the bum and it’s time to stop making a massive effort.

@NotOneOfTheInCrowd but it’s a choice isn’t it? She can choose to go to the Santa visit with one child, or she can cancel that and go to the other child’s nativity. She chose to cancel the activity already booked to prioritise her desire to be with the other child.

Most people would feel it’s been made worse by the fact something was already booked and agreed in the diary and she still chose the other child!

Please don't go through life constantly comparing. Honestly, I agree with above poster who says that as long as your DD and your MIL have a good relationship, then all is well. Please do not project your feelings onto your DD, she's young now but will pick up on it later.
Nativity plays are very special, and there are only a few before it's all over. The dates are also not set 6 months in advance. After all, they have not pulled out, they are going out of their way to make it work. It's not ideal, but not totally ruined either.
And as your DD gets older, she will form her own relationship with her Grandparents, depending on personality etc.

Don't keep score, no good can come of it, and relationships don't work like that anyway!

It is so hard when people favour other children in the family and it is so obvious. I feel my sins are favoured over my daughter. Or more to the point, she is treated differently as MIL doesn't know how to deal with her.

I think your choice is let her do what she wants or tell them to come afterwards. I'm thinking about if your DD will be upset when grandma and grandad leave.

I think a sensible sister in law would be saying “oh that’s a shame mum, that the dates clash. Never mind, I’ll video it. You’re committed to seeing Santa with Molly/Dolly/whatever now and that’s going to be so fun.”

As an aside, schools do loads of rehearsals. If she asks nicely, maybe grandma could watch one of those, especially if she helped backstage? I’ve known that happen.

OP has previously posted:

'we booked this with her in mind because she loves Christmas. It's DD's first santa visit, the first one she understands and is excited about - she's missing that too.'

This mini-break is Christmas themed and MIL was invited because she loves Christmas. A paid for holiday with her son and grand-daughter should be a treat for her, like attending her grandson's nativity obviously is.

If spending time with her grand-daughter and watching her see Santa for the first time is 'doing a favour', implying that it actually isn't something she would enjoy, she should just not bother, instead of messing her son and OP about.

She is a pretty awful grandmother to her grand-daughter, albeit a lovely grandmother to her grandson. This sort of favouritism destroys family relationships.

Can't see the issue, you know she favours the other dc so should come at no surprise that she's willing to do a 6 hour drive away to see dc do something else.

More fool you for even inviting them again after a "massive argument" on a previous holiday.

Leaving aside any favouritism, I see this as pretty bad manners given that the 3-day break was booked long in advance and the nativity obviously couldn't have been. It was not an accidental double booking. Most people would have made their apologies regarding the nativity and stuck with the original plan, even if it made them a bit sad. I do wonder if SIL has put immense pressure on them to attend, and if that's a longstanding thing. Was SIL competitive with her brothers growing up?

The other thing that strikes me as very possible is that the PILs value boys more than girls, which seems to be a thing with some GPs. (Also, if they valued their own sons more than SIL, it might account for any competitiveness from her now.) If that's the case, it really needs sitting on firmly before it turns into offering to pay private school fees for DGS and not DGD, or something awful like that.

I'd be tempted to tell them it's too much driving and "some other time", invite someone to take their place so there's no option to change their mind, and then hope like hell there's a seating limit at the nativity!

But I do think it needs talking about plainly if somthing similar happens again.

Don’t worry I’m not - you couldn’t pay me to attend either event! 😂

Not only does this OP want to keep the iLs in their lives - she and DH are paying for a trip specifically to include the iLs, to cater for their tastes and sat down with them to organise the activities, including DD's first Father Christmas visit.

Now the MiL has something better on offer and is disappearing off for the bulk of the main day (for the DD) so that she can prioritise GDS's second nativity having already seen the first..

Its bloody rude apart from anything else to accept an expensive gift designed with you in mind and then sag off for the core part to take up a better offer. I wouldn't allow my DC when younger to break that kind of commitment and I certainly wouldn't do it myself, irrespective of any golden child situation.

@Bounty9 All you can do is relay how hurtful it is, get on with your lives and don't go to such expense and trouble in the future. Warn DH that he won't see when any favouritism starts to affect DD because it builds up bit by bit and you both will be trying to mitigate it. I would not feel obliged to spend Christmas at DPs or PiLs at the same time as cousins who were being noticeably favoured over others.

For all those saying that the relationship will get worse with @Bounty9 ’s kids I don’t agree. A friend of mine had a similar experience where her partners mother, her MIL favoured the grandchildren on the other side very obviously during the early years. However, as the grandchildren grew up the MIL really appreciated my friend’s children, the relationship became much much better and stronger. I think in part because the relationship was not being facilitated by the relevant mothers (the MIL’s daughter) but was able to be independent. I think what @Bounty9 can do is just not put hurdles in the way of this and involve her partner more in the arrangements for his own side of the family.

Nativity plays are usually across at least 2 days, to allow all parents to go. Is it worth asking if this is the case and MIL swapping her tickets with another parent?

Also, are MIL and FIL both going to the play? If not, suggest she gets a train, so that he can stay. Might make her feel a bit of FOMO and she makes the right decision to stay. Definitely let DH take this over in terms of a conversation, but do make sure that he’s clear that this will affect your ongoing relationship with them and that you’d be reluctant to organise, or be involved with things in the future with them. Even if he isn’t bothered, you’re being messed about and he shouldn’t expect you to keep smiling and put up with it.

Couldn’t disagree more.

She planned to go on a trip away with one grandchild, including accompanying that Grandchild for their visit to Santa’s Grotto. Booked and paid for months ago.

She then got invited (at a later date) to see a different Grandchild in their annual nativity play……… decided to blow out her original plans with one grandchild, in favour of another Grandchild.

As a Mum I would be very offended on behalf of my child.

I think your MIL has drawn a line in the sand at how important this other GC is to her - she feels a special bond with this child

I see it with my sister and her GCs, - the oldest girl is treated so very very diffferently to the rest

I think you need to stop pushing this as you have already had an argument once, and it didnt change anything

Sorry, she didn't double book. They don't set nativity play dates six months in advance. You MIL may have said she wanted to go, before knowing the date but once she realised she was already committed she should have explained and held her commitment to you. They are basically throwing your money down the drain and I would be very upset if I were you.

Yes it would be difficult for the grandparents to say no to your sil but it would have been a rational decision and what they are doing just doesn't make sense and its wasting your money.

I would go back and say whilst you understand it’s a nativity play they did see it last year and they did agree to come and spend time with their son and his family including a grandchild who is looking forward to it and you are disappointed they are putting their other grandchild first yet again. I would then go on to say you had a number of activities planned and taking 6 hours out of a day is a lot so perhaps it’s better they don’t come as it will just upset whatever your child name is to see them then have them disappear and come back again

Honestly I'd be delighted! Enjoy those hours without them around. She will be grateful if you don't make a big fuss about it x

I feel for you, @Bounty9. It isn't easy to see this behaviour and not say anything.

However, this is one of those times you need to say something. She's known about this holiday for 6 months, even actively planned stuff with you, and now is missing most of it. Be firm when you speak with her and let her know you are disappointed in her behaviour and blatant favouritism and won't be going out of your way in future, especially after past behaviour when you thought she had seen the error of her ways and then stick to it. Don't cut contact (unless you want to) but definitely cool the relationship between you and her.

I feel bad for your FIL for all the driving but he's a grown-up who has a voice if he's really that annoyed about the change in plans.

Its not his first nativity. It is his second nursery nativity. There are plenty more to come in KS1.

Given that they attended last year I would have expected them to take dates into account when agreeing any December trips with other people - or at the very leasst flagged it as an issue before agreeing you spent any money.

For anyone suggesting they are doing you a favour by accompanying their grandchild on a trip - they are adults who could have turned down the invitation or suggested a different week or indeed month.

They've planned out the trip with the Op - acitivites were booked with their involvement.

So yes, she's had a more attractive or more important offer.