It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

In my experience the first born grandchild will always trump those that follow particularly if the first born is born to the daughter.

My children were always second best in my MILs eyes. I knew it wasn't going to change and I should just get used to it.

Wholly disingenuous to suggest the ILs are doing the Op a favour by attending. They aren't childcare.

They were offered a couple of nights away with a grandchild, accepted the invitation and helped plan the trip.

What if the child wants to invite her grandparents? More important to score points than consider what the child wants even when she's a 21year old graduate?

Sorry meant to say mine we obvious and openly showing favourite and it’s just not right.

it can do long term damage both mentally and emotionally to be brought up with grandparents doing this and it needs to be addressed.

I'd text back and say what you've said here that's basically

'I'm quite disappointed MIL. We have booked and paid for this break for us all and you will not be present for main day. We organised the activities with you in mind and thought it would be lovely to have quality time with DD before Christmas properly starts. It's a real shame you can prioritise this, as you've committed to it first'

If she argues back after that, I'd just tell her outright not to come. She will have found out the date of the nativity WAY after she agreed to the break btw. I think she's being really rude here.

Be careful with this.

Eldest Dc is the favourite. Youngest Dc is not and GPs had an obvious favourite and we open about it.

I don’t regret going NC. I’d actually ask my DH to have a proper conversation about favouritism and both the gender difference and the treating of the two genders differently both are unacceptable.

Excellent advice.

But the Grandma in this thread has cancelled going to Santa’s grotto with one grandchild, so that she can go to the nativity of another Grandchild! She is not doing both!

This transactional approach to relationships is ridiculous. The trip was a gift to the iLs, designed for their liking and which they accepted - they were involved in all the arrangements including DD's first visit to Father Christmas which they are now ditching in favour of the other grandchild.

They were not doing the OP a favour by accepting. They are bloody rude to accept and then disappear for the central day. The OP and DH could have saved themselves the money and gone to do something entirely for themselves - I recommend in future that they follow precisely that approach.

I'm a grandparent and in this scenario it is obviously correct to say, sorry I can't make the nativity this year as I'll be away with Bounty's family - never mind, I'll come next year. The holiday was booked first and the nativity comes round every year so there will be other nativities!

what relationship? The message I see here is "There are people I prefer to spend my time with"

I do understand how you feel and I think they are wrong, but I wouldn't reply rudely or tell them not to bother coming at all. If your DH agrees, I would reply in a "more in sorrow than in anger" tone: "Oh no! That's really disappointing. We were looking forward to treating you as a thank-you gesture and spending time as a family with you, and I’m sure you would have enjoyed seeing DD's meeting with Santa." You feel justifiably hurt, and I don’t see why you should hide it.

I'd be really upset. Centre Parcs is bloody expensive, and I'd imagine you won't do this every year. It's a big thing someone else paying for you to go away. I can't believe they'd leave on the only full day. I would have to speak to them about it.

I think you MIL should stick to her first commitment. That is what we try to do as grandparents. When our children were growing up, my parents always put my brother’s children first. She even referred to my brother’s children as ‘my lot’ in front of my children! This is one of the reasons I am fairly LC with my elderly mother now.
I really do think your planned trip is far more important than a naivety play, especially as your MIL went last year. I would be saying something or asking if she can go by train so at least FIL can stay.

There's no need to call me a 'shitebag'. Really not.

This nails it - that is exactly the case. The correct response from MIL would have been to say no to the nativity because she will be away with OP and her DGC. She has basically just made it very clear which DGC she prioritises. Bloody awful.

It sucks having the less favoured kids! My (late) MIL showed little to no interest in my DS’s. She had a great grandson whose birthday was the same day as DS1. She remembered GGS birthday every year and forgot DS’s even his 18th. As the boys grew up they sadly didn’t really bother with her. I do think you get out of a relationship what you put in.

I’m not implying it’s something that the MIL wouldn’t enjoy by saying she’s doing OP a favour by attending, it IS a favour to her, whether she enjoys it or not. In the same way that your wedding guests are doing you a favour by attending

Is this what's known as transactional relationships? I would not think like this in a million years.
I attend a wedding - not as a favour- but because I am really delighted to see my friend/daughter/cousin so happy on her wedding day.

I would attend the Centre Parcs Santa thing because I would be bursting at seeing little DDs face with Santa (she could well burst into tears, who knows!)

Not everything is favours like that.

I’m in the, tell her not to bother coming camp.
you’ve paid for and arranged this trip she committed to coming to months ago. She’s now choosing her grandson over her granddaughter.
Nativity plays last about 30 minutes and it’s parents the kids need there watching them, not Granny, especially when Granny has already arranged to be somewhere else.

My in-laws have always treated my children differently from the other grandchildren, I’ve never mentioned it but it has meant we’ve spent less time with them, we’ve never showed them it bothers us as they would thrive on that. Because we’ve never mentioned anything about their favouritism only one of our teens has only just started to notice themselves without any input from us, as a consequence they choose not to spend time with them. My in laws actions annoyed me when my children were little but in the end I thought sod them, my children got the attention they needed from us and my family.

My sister was my grandmother's favourite, I always knew it but I loved her and spent time with her. My brother was my other grandparents favourite probably because they adored my father and he died when we were kids so my brother filled a gap. If you don't make a big deal of it your daughter might be like me and just accept she loves them and they love her and the league table doesn't matter.

I love going to a nativity, when my eldest GC was in the nativity there was only one spare ticket and the other grandmother got it. I was really upset. For me, and maybe your MIL, the nativity is much more significant than a visit to Father Christmas.

Can you spend Christmas with your family instead this year? I wouldn't want to have Christmas with MIL after this. Her behaviour is indefensible.

Honestly make sure she knows you are hurt. Tell her she must do what she wants but you are hurt.

Don't brush it off