It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

I was in your DD's position as a child. I was very obviously not the favourite grandchild and my male cousin was. It was due to old fashioned ideas about boys being worth more than girls and him being the future man of the family. I knew it, and everyone else knew it. But honestly, it didn't make much difference to me. I had other people who prioritised and supported me. As I grew older, I bothered less about them as they weren't that interested in me. Their loss.

I think if I were you, I would just accept that your family are not going to be the priority. Your DD will have the relationship she has with her grandmother, and it won't be as close as her cousin's. That's just the way it is and it isn't the end of the world. She has you and her father to support her.

I see your point, however they are missing the pre-booked activities with their granddaughter to watch the nativity, she isn’t being there for both grandchildren.

She’s cancelled events with one GC to go to the event of the other.

I agree. Can you alter your booking to another date?

There is clearly a split between how important nativities are in the answers on this thread. In some families they are one of the most important parts of Christmas with children, in others they are a minor thing for parents and not grandparents.

My mum drove 8 hours in three days to be able to attend nativities in two different cities for her various grandchildren. To her it was one of the biggest parts of Christmas and she'd no more miss one than forget to buy a child a present.

My MIL has never been to a single one of any of her grandchildren's school events. DC love them both.

It's clear the OP's MIL values the nativity so is doing a round trip to fit it in while seeing her granddaughter in the mornings and evenings.

The timing sucks. I'm sure the PIL would much rather spend their time at CP than on the road, but they are attempting to be there for both grandchildren after an unfortunate clash of events.

I’d be furious, however you’re never going to change her so you’re going to have to learn how to manage her and the questions your DD asks about why granny treats her cousin differently to her, because she will.

The sun has always shone out of the backside of my niece in my parent’s eyes. She could do no wrong. They’d have walked over broken glass for her, but when DS1 was born they could take or leave him, the same with DS2. When my nephews were born my sister insisted they were treated the same as their sister, so they got all the days out, the treats, the holidays, etc my kids got nothing.

It all came to ahead at a big family event when my dad completely ignored my children, all day, instead he fawned all over my niece and nephew. My kids said to me “can we go, I can’t do this anymore” so we said goodbye to my aunt and uncle and left. 2 days later my mum phoned me to say she’d noticed we’d gone 4hours later, that’s how much she cared.

That was 13yrs ago and my children haven’t seen them since. They have a great-grandson who they have never met and who they probably will never meet, but it’s their own fault entirely. You reap what you sow.

Maybe he doesn’t fully agree and doesn’t want to drive a wedge between his DD and his wider family?

This is absolute rubbish behaviour of your MIL ( and FIL who facilitates it).
Tell them not to bother
Cannot imagine ditching Santa visit for Nativity (that they probably won't even get tickets for- isn't it usually limited to parents attending?)

Really shoddy behaviour

The visit is for the daughter.
So why would you cancel and make your daughter miss out?
I'm sure they will have a fab time with or without grandparents.

@Bounty9 OP, when your DH sees MIL tomorrow, will SIL be there as well? I think he should bring it up with the SIL as well - like “Did you know that Mum & Dad are leaving the trip we booked as a treat for them to come and watch the nativity?” She might not know and might have something to say about it, like telling her mum to stick with the original plans, if she knows all the details like how long ago it was arranged. If she doesn’t encourage her mum to stick with the original plans then she’s just as bad.
I feel like you need to get your DP on side to truly be able to get your point across. Kinda annoying that he doesn’t really get it and is being passive - or does he completely get it do you think and is embarrassed/hurt by his parents blatant favouritism, so tries to brush it off like it’s not a big deal?

But the OP does have a choice. She doesn't have to go. She can choose to, or choose not to. It's up to the OP to decide if it's worth it.

What do you mean? She’s not putting her second - she’s trying to do Both. Regardless of what she should have done on this occasion , OP is clearly holding on to jealousy and resentment about who is the favoured DGC. That’s not healthy and it will never lead anywhere good. OP has nothing to gain from drawing this comparison.

Sorry, I do think you're being unreasonable. Your MIL sounds like she's trying to keep everyone happy. I don't want to offend either, but can't see how this trip is a 'treat' for her.

You’re not wrong op, she’s showing who her favourite is. Just tell her not to bother coming.

Nativity plays are important. Nothing to do with you doing anything - just priorites. 🙂

Jeez they might not even be alive by then.

So much anger around.

Let it go OP as long as your child has a good relationship leave it there.

Life is a Rollercoaster.
Just try to enjoy your moments with your child.
If grandparents going to come great if they change their mind, their loss.

@GivingitToGod Unfair? What's unfair is an exceptionally rude MIL who has accepted a weekend away, an expensive one at that, but is dumping her hosts for a 30 min nativity play that could be recorded to show her. She's unbelievably rude and ungrateful and I'd never invite her anywhere again.

@Bounty9 says “DD adores her and the time they spend together is lovely” and also that FIL loves spending time with her DD. She also says that she/ her DH do now generally have a good relationship with the MIL/ FIL, separate to the SIL. That’s the relationship I wouldn’t be ruining, it doesn’t seem as though there’s an issue with the child/ GPs at the moment at least.

@Tandora but it does mean it's easier for her to put the child second and play favorite??

"But the Grandma in this thread has cancelled going to Santa’s grotto with one grandchild, so that she can go to the nativity of another Grandchild!"

The Grandparents have cancelled going to Santa's Grotto. Both of them.
But yes this sums it up.

Given the history I would have expected them to be circumspect enough to discuss with you before making different arrangements.

And to cancel by Text! If they had phoned and explained the problem that might have helped smooth things over - announcing it as a done deal by text is just plain rude.

Pretending it is a double booking is ridiculous.

Op you paid for them so I can understand why your hurt.

I think you need to try and suck it up this time but just drop the rope.
Do you have family? A loving grandma on your side?

I think they should have turned the nativity down but I can also understand it's a really hard choice and you don't usually get nativity dates far in advance.

So she's been in a hard place and probably has a much closer relationship to her daughter who would also be understandable upset they can't make the nativity.

The fact they have committed to driving a fair distance sounds like they are trying to please you both they could have just cancelled.

So I think whilst understandable hurt, try snd remember they are trying to please you both but sil comes first.

So in future, drop the rope, don't try and force things, it maybe they love your dc but unfortunately they are just closer to sil dc.
Don't take it personally just react to that.

Hi OP please don’t play the favourite grandchild game. It’s petty and it does no one any favours.
Im sure your MIL loves all her grandchildren and you say she has a great relationship with your DD. Comparison is the thief of joy.

It’s normal for GPs to have a closer relationship with the children or their daughters than their sons. You only have to read MIL threads on mumsnet to understand why!
This does not mean she loves your DD any less.

Not how I feel about my GC, they are all special in their own way. The eldest is an adult the youngest is a few months old so totally different relationships but no the eldest does not trump the youngest or the other half dozen dotted about in between.

Tit for tat will cause loads of hostilities.

Is this really worth it?
Op has already said she will let it go so why add to the venom.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all OP. It's very obvious that DGS is her priority. Nativities are for parents surely? With my DC it was only ever 2 tickets each, and GPs only ever attend if parents can't.

Why on earth couldn't she say to SIL sorry we're away that date but take some cute photos for us. Your DH sounds very passive. I don't see what's wrong with pointing out that they're being rude and favouring SIL/DGS.

Personally I'd cancel them coming ay all. It would ruin it for me anyway to have them come then leave then come back again. At least if they miss the whole thing you could enjoy it with DH and DD.

You don't have to go to hers for Christmas. "You'll want to enjoy time with your DGS, so we'll bow out gracefully. Maybe we can see you Boxing Day?"