It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

I wouldn't miss a nativity. It is a bit crap though!

I think it's best not to see it as a competition, you say DD has a nice relationship with MIL, allow it to bloom xxx

People do forget things and grandparents are no exception. They are trying to keep a happy medium between both sets of families and trying not to favourite one or the other, which cannot be easy. They are trying to compromise, so allow them.

PIL made the commit to the holiday before the Nativity was even a thing.

Sorry I think I would just be blunt and say that you are very sad for DD that a commit to spend special time with her means so little to MIL.

I think that's the point for me. It's like she's not appreciating the gesture. Happy for you to pay for the accommodation, but not happy to actually spend the time with you. If you'd been going for a week, and it was a day in the middle, fine. But this is ultimately the majority of the time you have together.

As you've said, it's not DGS's first Nativity, and there's no indication that he's got a "major" role, so while I can understand that she's torn, she should be sticking with the first commitment and the one that's costing someone else money.

I imagine the nativity date has only recently come up and she's either looked in her diary and seen that she's already booked for the trip away and chosen to accept anyway, or has accepted without checking, but now is standing by her promise to them, rather than you.

There's no way of defending it - whichever way you look at it she's chosen her DGS over her DGD.

I can understand that it hurts OP. All you can do is what you've said - try and avoid your DD noticing for as long as possible.

My grandmothers were wonderful in treating us all like we were her favourites. When she passed away, I spoke with my cousins and they all said the same thing. Whenever we were with her (she made sure to have us each on our own, as well as days out together), we were all made to feel like top grandchild. She wouldn't have dreamed of choosing one of us over the other, so I'm sorry you can see it so blatantly with your MIL.

Your DH though… what a limp lettuce 🤢

She has replied "Oh no, it's ok - FIL is fine with the driving. I've been really looking forward to this break, just unfortunate the DGS nativity has fallen in the middle'.

She seems nice and in trying her hardest 🤷

I've spoken to DH about this a few times - either he really just isn't bothered, or puts on a great poker face. He says if it ever appears to be having an effect on DD, then he will pick it up, otherwise we just continue as we are.

See, that, to me is just batting it into the long grass - for a start it's bothering you!! Isn't that enough for him to see it is something to deal with - even if it's just "being on your side" rather than being neutral. But tbh, waiting until MIL's behaviour "appears to be affecting DD" is too late, the behaviour, (which he obviously can't deny exists or there wouldn't be anything to wait for....) needs to never affect DD surely???

Is it even worth her going away with you? To leave at 11am for a 90 minute journey to see a Nativity then lunch and a 90 minute drive to be back for 4 seems very ambitious. And your daughter is 2 1/2 so it’s not like she’ll still be up and socialising with granny late into the evening is it?

I totally understand why you are annoyed and feel this is all the old favouritism coming back again. It's kind of annoying that your DH is not annoyed, too, when you want him to stand up for you and for your DD.

I suspect that your MIL won't ever really change and doesn't 'get' it. If that's the case then I wonder if it would help you to just stop caring as much. Easier said than done but worth it in the long run. Expect her to favour DGS, expect her to mess you around, expert her to never get it. You can just focus on the people in your DD's life that really make the effort. It's her loss but managing your expectations of MIL might help to prevent her hurting you like this again.

i doubt that she prefers to drive three hours just to see a toddler nativity play. Sounds like she is trying to please everyone.

What do you mean? She’s not putting her second - she’s trying to do Both

Well she shouldn’t

I bet she’s one of those school gate grannies that know all the parents and goes to all the parties.

I wouldn’t be happy if anyone ditched a holiday i’d paid for in favour of any minor appointment.

You said
"FIL loves spending time with DD, on #nightmareholidaygate he broke away from the pack to spend time with us and DD whilst MIL spent the entire time with DGS. I imagine he's probably a bit miffed about it, but would never say."
So my advice is to tell MIL not to come, enjoy her DGS nativity & just invite FIL to spend the few days with you! 😁

@TheignT yes, on reflection you're right. OP's DD should get to choose who is included in special occasions. And I get the sense that while OP is understandably seething, she values her DD having a lovely relationship with Granny and will encourage her DD to want Granny to be there.

But I don't see it as point scoring to avoid inviting MIL to nativity, first dance performance etc. I see it as protecting her from being disappointed when Granny 'accidentally double books' in favour of DGS.

its manners. You don't can someone off because you have had a better offer.

I don't get everyone defending MIL here. She'd committed to a holiday. It's rude to then suddenly change plans. And she presumably made plans with you first given you booked it 6mo ago. Yes it sucks she'll miss the nativity, but aren't they more for parents anyway?

I’d suggest to MIL she stays at home the entire time and FIL goes with you on the break

@Bounty9
Mumsnet picks up on the most minor details.
I'd advise you to always mix up details, frequently name change, because unbelievably some people will remember a slight detail and try and catch you out!!
It's Maddness.

I'd tell Mil not to bother coming,it'll only upset your dad more when they leave.

I don't get why Mil and Fil are getting sympathy here.
They've made a choice to miss activities of one GC to drive to see a Nativity.
The op is right to be annoyed but in this case her DH has to say something and he needs to stand up for his DD.

Yeah - she isn't actually double booked, she's just found something she prefers to do.

But that's literally my point. Who said anything about cancelling the trip?!

The OP says it isn't even his 1st nativity, so she's already been there for the cutest one 😁

This is crazy to me that people are suggesting that the grandma is behaving OK and trying to please everyone. It's an actual booked and paid for holiday and an invitation that has already been accepted, vs (in all likelihood) watching a hikd from a distance say couple of lines in a costume and singing a group song that will lsst 5 minutes and which she has seen similar the year before. She is missing almost the entire day of a short holiday with family. It's absolute madness and completely rude given its your only actual full day all together. Its like missing most of a wedding to go to a last minute book group meeting or something. And she didnt double book, she booked with you then got a better offer. Fuck her OP I'm angry on your behalf

@C8H10N4O2 excellent post especially around dd won't notice the favouritism.
It definitely sneaks in and she will notice.

Op your mum is around and interested, your dd is extremely lucky so drop the rope.

It's not even a school nativity. The DGS is 3.5 so it's nursery. It's basically dressing up and having the story read and maybe a bit of music - it's not like they'll be able to read themselves. 30 minutes would actually be a stretch I think. Also vanishingly unlikely that there'll be multiple "performances" or rehearsals to watch.

OP, I doubt very much if your MIL would have even considered leaving a big chunk of a holiday with DGS, paid for by her DD, including his first santa visit to travel for hours to come to your DD's nursery nativity so this isn't really an attempt to do both.

As this is the problem, your MILs take will be that she is stuck in the middle and not that she had a legitimate reason for declining the nativity play - it could be video'd or live streamed.