It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

Is the MIL getting pressure from Nativity Childs mum or dad?

I don't think is akin to asking the sil permission. I see it as making the sil aware that on this one ocassion the fact the trip was agreed & paid for its unfair of her to not step in & say please go ahead & spend the time with your Grand daughter. I would feel guilty if it was my brother who had organised a trip for my parents with their Grand daughter that coincided with my sons nativity play & I didn't insist they go ahead with the trip for the duration. I still believe t
OPs DH should speak to his sister & on this one ocassion ask her to step in.

Why stay for a lunch and a late return? There are two of them to drive so, after the play they could have a pre-packed sandwich and a flask of tea while taking it in turns driving to be with you at 2.30.

She should have stuck to the first commitment, especially since you are paying. Sadly her DD’s children will always be the priority to her

I’ve got 2 sons, I don’t doubt my DILs are closer to their own mothers than they are to me, however that doesn’t mean I love my grandson any less. If I had arranged to do something with him, I’d never bin him off unless it was a dire emergency. You shouldn’t play favourites with children, it’s cruel.

How on earth is she doing both if she will miss seeing her grand-daughter meet Santa for the first time? That was supposed to be the highlight of the trip and OP discussed this with MIL and FIL before booking and paying for it.

MIL already has a prior commitment with her son and his family that she should honour. Instead, she is determined to see her grandson in his nativity for the second year running rather than watch her grand-daughter meet Santa.

I think by asking SILs permission for granny to miss the nativity it’s accepting that SILs kids always come first, and OPs kids get what time is left over. This shouldn’t really need to involve SIL - it’s the MILs choices and unfair treatment of the grandkids which appear to have caused the problem . If SIL had thrown a hissy fit because granny wasn’t attending the nativity then DH should speak to SIL.

‘. I've been really looking forward to this break, just unfortunate the DGS nativity has fallen in the middle'.
yep it is unfortunate, but it doesn’t mean she has to ditch OP and DD and leave a pre-booked and paid for trip. She’s talking like she’s cancelling due to something out of her control like work/ illness etc- she can easily not attend the nativity - she’s choosing to cancel on OP in preference of the nativity.

The type of holiday was discussed with MIL and FIL before OP booked and paid for this and they both said they wanted to come. There's a Christmas theme and OP said her MIL loves Christmas. It's the first time OP's daughter will see Santa and she wanted MIL and FIL to enjoy her daughter's delight. They discussed this activity before booking and, again, MIL and FIL said that they wanted to do this.

This should be a treat for OP's ILs, but obviously isn't because they don't love and value their grand-daughter as much as they should. She is clearly second best to the grandson.

HRTFT but this.

I’m a parent and of course its a bit cute the first time (for 3 mins) but she has been before, isn't the parent and had already made commitments. Why can’t she say no to SIL?

Plus at my school it wasn’t a case of 1 child to 4 adults as no-one would fit in the hall so how does that work?

The MiL shouldn't be trying to 'accommodate everyone' when she has already committed to something (which is a pretty big one off thing). If you've been invited to a meal at someone's house and then get invited to a meal at another person's house, you don't 'try and please everyone's by having a starter at one and a main at the other ans then popping back for pudding. In any case, if she goes to the nativity she is actually 'accommodating' that in its entirety, whereas by missing the only full day of the holiday and activities that the OP has paid for, she is shitting shitting all over the OPs break.

Yep me too

You have every right to feel hurt over this behaviour.

let’s put it this way… if she was going away with her other grandchild and you invited her to DD’s nativity, do you think she’d try to fit both grandchildren in or tell you that she couldn’t make it due to previously booked plans?

I think you and DH should take a step back. I have a similar dynamic with in-laws and it’s hard to experience the favouritism for one grandchild over another. We’ve lowered our expectations and it feels easier.

Still makes us feel sad for our children but we can’t make them interested so have stopped trying.

It's a nativity play at primary school! Not the West End first night.
Jeez.

It is super rude to duck out of an away trip that someone else is paying for when you get a better offer. And to communicate that by text too. That is flat out RUDE.

*have two DS

Is MIL worried about upsetting SIL? It's a shame that your SIL didn't just say to her parents that they go their first commitment and she will take some pictures/video (if allowed).

I had two DS and my brother has a DD. Our DM tries to be fair with all her grandkids although she probably has a closer relationship with mine because we live much closer and DSIL's family are very involved (and live next door to DB and his family). However, I always tell DM not to worry if she has plans with my DB's family and to go ahead and enjoy herself.

I also have a good relationship with my DN and my DB takes her to visit me sometimes separate from DM.

What has this got to do with prioritising one Grandchild over another. Her sons child is no less of a Grandchild than her daughters child. They should be treated equally. It's up to the daughter not to take advantage by allowing a scenario where her brothers child is made to feel like second best.

Having a favourite means that you like that grandchild more. Even if MIL has a preference for her grandson, she should make every effort to ensure that neither child is aware of this. Her behaviour is really poor and bad mannered. Who accepts a paid for holiday and then spends most of the one full day elsewhere?

@Bounty9

I think there is a difference between being a daughter and being a daughter-in-law.

Your mother in law is going to have a closer relationship with her own daughter than with you.

I could see this scenario happening with my mother in law, and I certainly don’t think it’s down to grandchild favouritism. It’s just that my mother in law and her daughter communicate more frequently, readily and easily than mother in law and me.

It sounds like your MIL is trying to accommodate everyone.

I’d just suck it up and have fun. No dramas, no big issues, just let them decide what works best for them.

When are nativity dates planned? More than 6 months in advance (which would also be the previous school/ nursery year?)? It’s highly unlikely the nativity was in her diary before you booked the holiday - she’s got the nativity date after booking to go away with you and has now decided she’d sooner go to the nativity rather than you trip, otherwise she’d honour her previous commitment.
I would say to her that you are sad she won’t be there for the whole trip and that it had been booked way in advance to make sure everyone could be at the activities planned. Then leave it up to her and FIL.

And yes agree that this is perhaps a bit of a sister issue ! Surely you SIL should be saying to MIL not to worry about attending nativity !

I'd be making a point of saying it's a shame you're missing dd's first visit to Santa, lucky she won't remember.

I would ask my DH to have a quiet word with his sister & ask her if on this one occasion she would mind if his mum spent the whole time with your DD given there has been a lot of anticipation from her about going to see Santa with her Grannie. It's then up to her to have a word with her mum to say please go ahead,we will record it for you. I feel this is as much a sister/sil issue as it is a mum/ mil issue.

I’m a little torn on this one.

Taken in isolation, I think their solution to this specific dilemma is actually pretty reasonable. The nativity is obviously important and something they’d be expected to attend (they also went last year). This thread is full of “what’s so important about a nativity, why would grandparents care” but the reality is that in some families attending events like this is the norm. They’re not cancelling on you and are actually saying they’re going to spend an extra three hours in the car to make sure they don’t miss the nativity or the entire trip. It’s an obvious effort to be there for both GC.

But this isn’t happening in isolation. It’s understandable that you are particularly frustrated that they won’t put your family and DC first for one day given the history of favoritism and conflict over it. They should have understood the significance of the trip and why changing the plans would be taken this way.

I also think it’s important that this is your DH’s parents and he is not feeling the same way as you or nearly as keen to distance from them. Absent safeguarding issues I’d be mostly letting him lead on the relationship with his family and DC.

So on balance I wouldn’t blow this up or tell them not to come on the trip. I’d probably express disappointment that they would be missing XYZ that day, and ask them to at least consider not staying for a full sit down lunch after the nativity. If there’s an important activity that you can easily shift to avoid them missing it, do it (prioritize the GP relationship over the impulse to not cater to them at all). Then I’d make the best of the trip and try to move forward with the approach you’ve taken to the relationships over recent months.

I apologise as I voted you were being unreasonable but that was when I thought it was DGS first nativity play - as MIL as been to last years I think she should prioritise DD first proper visit to Santa.

I agree you should step back and let MIL do the running.