Page 20 | It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

Bounty9 · 2024-11-20T14:15:16+00:00

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix. SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her. We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates. MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time. I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again. AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

Imperrysmum · 20/11/2024 20:22

Say the thing :D snap at her

LizzieSiddal · 20/11/2024 20:21

Blooming heck your updates about Paris and that even her own DD is fed up with the way her mother behaves with her son, is shocking. Your MIL is toxic and things will only get worse. I feel sorry for you and your DD but I also feel sorry for your SIL, she’s being pushed out of that relationship with her son. And I say all this as a grandparent! I’d never behave this way with my granddaughter, who is my DD’s DD.

Original poster

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 20:21

@AnneShirleysNewDress I don’t think there’s pressure coming from anyone, I think that’s why it’s upsetting - if SIL was twisting her arm, if DGS was begging her to go I could at least understand it but she’s just actively choosing to go over the plans we’d already made - which a week ago she was off the walls excited about.

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AnneShirleysNewDress · 20/11/2024 20:17

I've read all your posts @Bounty9. I think you're right to be annoyed about this. Her behaviour is disappointing to say the least. I wonder if the pressure to attend is coming from DGS as it doesn't sound like she'd refuse him?

Original poster

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 20:16

Yes @CatalinaLoo she apologised (well, she apologised to DH) and said she would change her behaviour. It was the one and only time we’ve ever had crossed words and I cringe thinking about it now, it was awful.

But tbh we stopped going to group get togethers. SIL has since had a second baby so they’re even worse now - SIL doesn’t attempt to parent him any more when MIL is around as she knows MIL will. Tbh it’s a wholly toxic vibe and we do our best to avoid it, unless it’s a big birthday etc.

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Jimmyneutronsforehead · 20/11/2024 20:15

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 19:53

@Barrenfieldoffucks haha, sorry I didn’t mean it to be like the Gavin and Stacey fishing trip that’s never spoken about.

It was a week in Paris that was doomed from the start tbh, because we’d already felt like MIL was playing favourites but a week all shoved in one house together just brought it to light. She carried DGS everywhere the whole time (even though SIL asked her to let him walk) and when my DD asked to hold her hand/be picked up she would say no, sorry, she was holding DGS. She didn’t play with her or try to interact with her, despite DD’s attempts. We asked if she wanted to come on some rides with us at Disney after she had been on some with DGS and she refused and stayed with SIL. Even SIL was pissed off at the end, because her son wanted nothing to do with her and was permanently attached to MIL. It all came to a head one evening when DD was trying to get her attention and she was ignoring her in favour of DGS - there were crossed words, DH said if it didn’t balance out, then we’d have to pull back when we got home. We got an earlier Eurostar home because we had had enough and it just ended pretty badly. Like I said, we’ve rebuilt bridges and stopped doing huge group get togethers and things had been much better.

She sounds vile in the most insidious of ways in that she rejects bids for attention and your daughter won't have the emotional development just yet to know that is what she's doing, and she will just feel bad and not know why.

Why would your husband want to wait until your daughter is clearly showing signs of distress at having her emotional needs neglected by her grandmother to address this? The damage will be done by then.

CatalinaLoo · 20/11/2024 20:11

Wow it sounds like you and your DD were treated appallingly in Paris. I’m surprised you didn’t go low contact after that. Favouritism like that is inexcusable. She knew what she was doing. Was she at least apologetic when you got home?

Original poster

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 20:09

I understand that her relationship with DGS is different. They have regular sleepovers, she provides them with childcare, she goes to his sports days, nativities, hair cuts and everything in between. I understand her relationship with DD is not like that and I had come to accept it and was happy with the relationship they’re building.

What I’m upset with on this one particular occasion is her changing our pre-arranged plans, missing experiences she asked to be involved in that we had paid for on their behalf, and making DD feel lesser (to me, obviously DD is none the wiser).

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ManhattanPopcorn · 20/11/2024 20:06

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 14:25

Thanks everyone. She did go to his nativity play last year also - DD doesn't have one so maybe I'm just not seeing the big deal around that.

@TTPDTS we booked the break in the summer - dates have been in the diary for at least 6 months.

@yeesh DH works in retail and can only get a few days off in December, but we wanted to do something christmassy.

It's just so disappointing, I felt like things were finally balancing out.

Things are never going to balance out. She's always going to have more input with her daughters child than her sons. You'll have an easier time if you just accept that and stop fighting it.

Quitelikeit · 20/11/2024 20:03

There’s a few different issues here.

The main one being you were very very naive to think this woman will change her alignment or amend it in your favour.

She was called out in a rather public way and she can’t have liked that.

You also seem jealous on your child’s behalf. This behaviour from MiL is nothing to do with you or your child. The MiL is just quite frankly acting ridiculous.

Calling her out on her favouritism might make you feel just but you have seen once again where her priorities lie. Not with your family and never will be.

I think her actions are appalling but you will never change who she is.

Witholding your DGC is not the solution either.

BinkaCurse · 20/11/2024 20:01

@thepariscrimefiles

i don’t know. I think there is an intention to please both there.
I guess the big question is - if the situation was reversed, would the GP’s go and see OP’s daughter in her nativity?

Would the OP feel similarly peed off if daughters nativity had been mentioned, and GP’s then announced they were off to Center Parcs.

I have never really though - oh I want my GP’s around when my DC sees Santa…
I have thought - oh I’d love them to see DC singing, dancing and saying their lines in a nativity…

Original poster

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 20:00

@LivelyMintViper we do meet up with SIL and her family without GP’s - the kids get on great as they are so close in age. I have no bad feelings towards SIL as I know she’s not the one urging this.

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LivelyMintViper · 20/11/2024 19:59

Perhaps arrange get togethers with sil and cousin and leave pils out. Your dd can build relationships with aunt and cousin which are just as valuable as GPS.

EmberAsh · 20/11/2024 19:58

I don't want this to sound too harsh but I think you're being way too passive. After that update about the Paris trip, you really need to make it very clear that this recent decision is unacceptable behaviour. It's rude to you considering you invited first and paid for the trip and has a detrimental impact on your daughter's perception of their relationship.

Livinglifetoday · 20/11/2024 19:57

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 19:45

@Livinglifetoday SIL purposely didn’t invite MIL on their polar express trip this year because MIL and DGS are so close that he rejects his mum when Nana is there. They thought if MIL came to the polar express, he would sit on her lap the entire time and they wouldn’t get to experience that with him.

SIL told us that with MIL in the room. So I know that SIL will have mentioned it in passing that it’s his nativity, rather than urging her to go. However I know that MIL will not cancel this nativity because she’s now ‘committed’ - aka she would honestly just rather be there.

Thanks. This makes for a better understanding of the whole situation. I now agree you should go ahead & enjoy your trip. It's good your DH is making her aware your daughter was excited about Grannie being there with her to see Santa so it will be difficult telling her she changed her mind.

Likewhatever · 20/11/2024 19:56

The fact that they’re willing to drive back and forth between you both suggests that she’s trying to please both families. I appreciate it’s not ideal and you’re justified in being disappointed but the intention is good. Your SIL might have been the one applying pressure. I think your PIL are caught between a rock and a hard place.

Original poster

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 19:56

@BrendaSmall I would only expect her to miss the nativity because we have pre-arranged plans. If it were the other way round, I would expect her to miss DD’s nativity for their pre-booked holiday with SIL

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Original poster

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 19:55

@Brinkley22 yes I 100% think she sees him as her baby. Her youngest son has just moved out and she’s really struggled with that, and I think DGS is filling that gap. DD doesn’t go to her in the same way, she will come to me if she’s upset/scared/hurt herself whereas DGS will go to MIL and shouts ‘no’ when his mum comes near.

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Original poster

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 19:53

@Barrenfieldoffucks haha, sorry I didn’t mean it to be like the Gavin and Stacey fishing trip that’s never spoken about.

It was a week in Paris that was doomed from the start tbh, because we’d already felt like MIL was playing favourites but a week all shoved in one house together just brought it to light. She carried DGS everywhere the whole time (even though SIL asked her to let him walk) and when my DD asked to hold her hand/be picked up she would say no, sorry, she was holding DGS. She didn’t play with her or try to interact with her, despite DD’s attempts. We asked if she wanted to come on some rides with us at Disney after she had been on some with DGS and she refused and stayed with SIL. Even SIL was pissed off at the end, because her son wanted nothing to do with her and was permanently attached to MIL. It all came to a head one evening when DD was trying to get her attention and she was ignoring her in favour of DGS - there were crossed words, DH said if it didn’t balance out, then we’d have to pull back when we got home. We got an earlier Eurostar home because we had had enough and it just ended pretty badly. Like I said, we’ve rebuilt bridges and stopped doing huge group get togethers and things had been much better.

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BrendaSmall · 20/11/2024 19:53

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 14:50

@CandidFinch - Like I said, she's not a horrible person, and we booked this with her in mind because she loves Christmas. It's DD's first santa visit, the first one she understands and is excited about - she's missing that too. If she was so looking forward to this break, she could forego one nativity for a break that cost us a fair whack of money?

@PeggyMitchellsCameo FIL loves spending time with DD, on #nightmareholidaygate he broke away from the pack to spend time with us and DD whilst MIL spent the entire time with DGS. I imagine he's probably a bit miffed about it, but would never say.

@Mekumeku because she has 3 children. Oldest daughter, middle son (DH) and youngest son who has just moved out and she is in mourning for. DGS has replaced that hole, if I'm honest.

Like I said, she's not a horrible person, and we booked this with her in mind because she loves Christmas. It's DD's first santa visit, the first one she understands and is excited about - she's missing that too. If she was so looking forward to this break, she could forego one nativity for a break that cost us a fair whack of money

so you say about your Mother In Law, missing your daughter meeting Santa, yet your happy for her to miss her grandson in his nativity??

I got to all my grandson’s nativities, I’ve not missed one, I’ll even have time off work to attend!!

My grandson loves me watching, infact every year he asks me to watch him

Brinkley22 · 20/11/2024 19:49

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 19:45

@Livinglifetoday SIL purposely didn’t invite MIL on their polar express trip this year because MIL and DGS are so close that he rejects his mum when Nana is there. They thought if MIL came to the polar express, he would sit on her lap the entire time and they wouldn’t get to experience that with him.

SIL told us that with MIL in the room. So I know that SIL will have mentioned it in passing that it’s his nativity, rather than urging her to go. However I know that MIL will not cancel this nativity because she’s now ‘committed’ - aka she would honestly just rather be there.

This is really interesting! Do you think MIL almost sees DGS as her baby? He prioritises her and ignores his mum and sits on her lap. Does your DD respond to her in the same way?

NoisyDenimShaker · 20/11/2024 19:49

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 19:14

Honestly it may be a blessing in disguise.. we were going to do Copenhagen Christmas markets next year and invite them, but we are absolutely going to invite my sister now instead 😂

Good.

That's what happens when people are bad-mannered. They don't get invited.

It will be wonderful bonding time for your DC and their aunt, who will probably be around for a lot longer in your DC's life than their rude grandma.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 20/11/2024 19:47

What happened on the last holiday?

PinkPomelo · 20/11/2024 19:47

My SIL doesn't have kids but when she does it'll be this way 😂 I know I don't let MIL take my DD as much as my SIL would if she had any. It's kinda natural, it's her Mum, not mine. I do think it's a bit different with Mother's and daughters vs MIL and DIL

anon2423 · 20/11/2024 19:47

My MIL massively favours DHs sister and ignores our DD in consequence so I know how you feel! He’s also a peacekeeper and just doesn’t like the confrontation but I’ve stopped making any effort at all and the really sad thing is it means my DD has no idea who she is. She lives 20 mins away but hasn’t seen her since Christmas and even missed her birthday. It seems if I don’t make the effort no one will. I’m not sure if I’ve done the right thing, but it’s maybe something worth bearing in mind. Is a second class relationship better than none at all? Or would you rather save your child the hurt of coming second place?