It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

Because it’s a pattern of manipulation and abuse! I’ve been raised by a mother who was abused by my nan and yet of the 3 children she is the one now caring for the parent who abused her and not the elder two…. We were (4 siblings) bought up excepting my nans ways.. as the only female child of my mothers in the country I am expected to help…. I help because otherwise my mum gets moaned at then in turn my mother gets upset with me. I do it also because for the last 9 years we’ve been told it could be her last! I recognise its coercive behaviour, I know she treated my mum (the accident) terribly when she was child, inflicting both emotional & physical abuse on her, my mum is in her 70’s and still can’t say no to her mother, I’m in my 40’s and can’t say no… my nan has a way of manipulating the people round her to do as she pleases and sulks if you don’t. She’s a very lovely but nasty person!! And that doesn’t make sense I know…. But she just has a way of being very sweet or very hard dumb by to get what she wants from people…

I feel for you, but I also don't know why you put up with this. I wouldn't choose to spend time and effort on someone who has put me second/ third place over the years. Why do you do this, I wonder?

This @Bounty9
i grew up with a grandmother like your MIL..
My Grandad just toed the line as did as he was instructed, he would’ve been your FIL driving MIL Back and fourth despite thinking it was daft and a waste of fuel and time!! My mum (you in this scenario) putting up with us clearly not being equals… she never said a word in order to keep the peace…
im your daughter in this scenario… I grew up knowing my eldest cousin was the favourite, my grandparents made so much effort to watch all her activities and talked about her like the sun shone out of her arse! My nan is 99 now, still favours my cousin despite me being the only DGC out of 7 who sees her weekly, I’m the one who pops in to check she’s ok, changes her bed for her, I’m the DGC who visited her weekly when she was hospital with a broken bone, my cousin didn’t see my nan once in 3 months… but still she’s the favourite… I’ve said twice to my nan how it’s disappointing favourite cousin hasn’t seen her.. both time my nan has said ‘oh maybe she doesn’t know I’ve been in hospital’… both times I pointed out that she’s known since the day she went in…both times my nans chosen to ignore that!…. The favourites can do no wrong though!!… I get scorned or guilt tripped if I miss a week!…
I wish my mum had pulled away when we were little…now my parents and I are the ones caring for my Nan in her old age, while her favourite son and favourite DGC go about their stress free single lives, we get the moans and groans while their visits are met with ‘ oh it’s lovely to see you / thanks for coming’ etc… then we here for days about how wonderful they are for visiting once in a blue moon!!
Your daughter probably already knows, children aren’t silly!

Exactly this!!
id be pissed off @Bounty9 , I would just ask her straight if she could please just honour the fact you’ve booked this mini break to spend time together and could she not just tell SIL that she’s sorry but she can not make the nativity play! It’s not even like it’s his first or last one!!
if she can not say no to a silly nativity for your family then I would be telling her to stay home and I would honestly take your parents instead.
it’s absolutely ridiculous of them to come for an evening, miss the main day with all the main events booked and then come back for one evening again just to sleep there and travel home again in the morning!
I’m afraid I’d be prioritising those who prioritise means I’d be spending all future Christmases with my own family! I couldn’t put myself out for this woman again, whether she’s normally nice or not, she
doesnt respect you or prioritise you!

Just caught up with this and really can’t believe some people!

I’m not sure that I could have kept my temper in this situation.

waiting to see if OP comes back with any further updates

This woman has clear priorities

It’s not you and nor is it your child

Accept it and move on

Pushing back won’t help at all.

RTFT. It's not Centre Parcs. The MIL sat and planned the trip with OP and her husband who booked and paid for the activities they ALL chose. MIL is now leaving on activities day to go to a nativity. Not on at all.

There is a one year age gap.

OP isn't jealous, she is worried that her daughter will be hurt by MIL's obvious favouritism for her grandson.

It is also the height of rudeness by OP's MIL to abandon a trip and activity that they have already agreed to attend and which OP has paid for.

I think yabu slightly and I wouldn’t be too hard on her or necessarily assume this has anything to do with favouritism or anything personal against you so I don’t think you need to be upset. A nativity is a fairly big deal, but the date might not have been in the calendar for long- primary schools are notoriously bad at not giving tons of notice for these things- or she just hadn’t clocked it was the same day. Just let her come for whatever time she can manage and don’t overthink it.

It's not Center Parcs RTFT

Did they want to go to Centre Parks? Or did you book and tell them they could come? I can’t imagine being at all excited by it, tbh I would rather go to the local leisure centre. Definitely a nativity would be preferable.
What about fil? You seem to vent all your angst on mil

So it is perfectly ok to choose to skip out on the majority of plans you sat down and made with people months ago with you in mind, money spent for another event?

The trip isn’t even two days long and the grandparents are skipping most of the full day. Might as well not have bothered and only kept it to a lunch instead of wasting OP and their son’s money.

Who is also to say that they’ll show up at this grandchild’s nativity if the daughter’s child has a Christmas event the same day.

My son is in year 2 and his school is having a Winter Faire where Year 1 - Year 6 are singing Christmas songs while the nursery and reception children are doing a nativity so there is no guarantee this behaviour won’t continue. Hope it doesn’t though.

I didn’t say that .. I said if there was any way at all to calm the waters … it’s a choice and it’s not unreasonable to let people be and let them see for themselves what their behaviour is
Tomorrow isn’t promised … We all think we have life to hold but in truth it holds us … Family can be absolutely hurtful .. and somethings can’t be forgiven ( I know this and it concerns a child so that’s a no go for me ) .. Let people stew in their own mistakes if they go out their way to hurt … they are in truth hurting themselves too

My mistake I thought you was the OP.

most schools only allow two tickets per child due to space. is there any point in them coming as they will miss all the day activities as you are only there a short time. can you get refund on their place. there is no way they double booked.

just don't bother inviting them to things anymore. they need to honour their commitments or pay you the money for not coming

I am not the OP so no MiL problems and have nothing to settle for me. I lead a remarkably unstressed life but thank you for your (unwarranted) concern. I would say that life is too short to allow the rude behaviour of family members to go unchecked.

Please don’t judge me you don’t know me
I think you’re not understanding what I’m saying .. I’m not saying none of it is rude … I’m saying just know that life is too short for any unrest in a family and IF. you can see your way to calm the waters take the higher ground and not fall out ( difficult I know .. I’m a daughter inlaw also I’ve been through the mill … This is your mother in laws problem and she’s actually hurting herself .. To be honest you’ve been rude to me .. I’m trying to give some advice to help not judge. But that’s up to you … don’t get stressed because that can cause illness too I’ve found … take care .. I hope this all settles for you .. sometimes it’s good to look at things from a different perspective that is all

Its an 'in-laws' one not a 'MIL one'.

Are you always this jealous?

Your MIL is trying to spend time with both DGC!

There's a 3 year age gap between your kids by the time your DD is doing nativity plays your nephew will no longer be doing them!

The GPs sound utterly pathetic. Invite other family or friends.

The subjective thing was in relation to MILs relationship with GS being a threat to his mum, not her favouritism for her DD’s child over her DS’s child. If that makes sense.

I do think it’s often a think that GPs are closer to the grandchildren of their daughters. I think it’s often because they have way more access to them.
There are so many threads on mumsnet where women allow their parents close and keep their in laws at arms length, and the sons don’t bother so much with their parents. This naturally results in lopsided relationships with grandchildren,

You can say it's subjective but sometimes these things are blatantly obvious. My FIL has two granddaughters, one is his daughter's child and the other is my child (his sons child) they are literally a week apart in age. Whenever FIL sees my daughter he barely interacts with her and the only (and I mean ONLY) time he does respond to her he will say "well X always gives me a kiss" or "Well X likes playing with dolls not cars" talking about his other granddaughter. It's exhausting and massively unfair.

'No attention' means exactly that in the scenarios that OP described. MIL did not interact with, pick up or play with her grand-daughter. All her attention was on her grandson.

It is possible that MIL picked up/carried/played with OP's DD at other times during the trip but OP has not said whether that was the case. However, in my opinion, if MIL had spent time interacting with OPs DD, it is unlikely that OP and her DH would have returned home early.

OP had said that MIL's own daughter finds the situation with her son/MIL's grandson difficult to deal with and feels that her son prefers his grandmother to his mother. In my opinion, MIL is overbearing and undermining her own daughter's parenting.

Gosh some posters have managed to make this thread all about them.
Great update OP. Best wishes for next week.

Decent chance that SIL might have looked forward to the chance to have her DS play just be for SIL family. MIL seems to hijack every situation here