Page 16 | It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

Bounty9 · 2024-11-20T14:15:16+00:00

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix. SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her. We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates. MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time. I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again. AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

bubblesun · 20/11/2024 23:27

To be fair, she wouldn't have missed your dd seeing Santa for the first time if you booked it in the area you all live...

You chose to book a holiday away for these activities.

I'm experiencing favouritism. My MIL forgets to even send a happy birthday text to me about my children's birthday but I watch them organise lavish parties for my SIL.

What you are experiencing is a grandmother trying not to exclude anyone.
Could you not change the important events to the day she won't have to go to the nativity and then you all are happy, it's that easy to choose the peaceful mindset.
She probably senses your tension and that's why she's trying to appease you by claiming she's fine travelling.

I really don't think this has to be an issue

Notonthestairs · 20/11/2024 23:24

Acornacorn · 20/11/2024 23:16

nativities are so special so I can understand your MIL wanting to be there. Have you explained to her that what you have planned is special too and you’re hurt she’s choosing to miss it?
she might not have considered it like that. Centre Parcs isn’t everyone’s idea of a special treat.
is there a way to come up with a compromise so everyone’s happy? Why not get there at 10am on the first day and leave later on the last day to maximise your time at CP and quality time together (regardless of whether they pop back for the nativity or not).

As I understand it Mil looks after DGS on Tuesday mornings so for them to go earlier she'd have to cancel that.

MinnieMouse200 · 20/11/2024 23:22

Am I the only one to think the part in the nativity play is relevant? Mary/Joseph, I get where she is coming from. Third sheep less so 😂

BeensOnToost · 20/11/2024 23:20

She is probably feeling super important having all these people wanting her here and there and deeming which event suits her most.

This is likely true. I'd spite her by making an effort to have sibling days out with your SIL and nephew and push MIL out. Show her she isn't the centre of the world.

SeAmableSiempre · 20/11/2024 23:17

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 14:44

I am honestly so glad I posted here, thank you for your responses.

@CandidFinch the reason we booked it is because we do have a good relationship with them separate from SIL. It took a good year to rebuild the bridges after the dreaded whole family holiday last year and things were positive. We do get on with SIL also but the favouritism is so rife in a big group that DH and I decided to remove ourselves from it, but encourage a relationship between GPs and DD - which we thought was the mature thing to do for her sake.

I've spoken to DH about this a few times - either he really just isn't bothered, or puts on a great poker face. He says if it ever appears to be having an effect on DD, then he will pick it up, otherwise we just continue as we are.

Oh and the 'unintentional' comment is laughable because this woman has a paper diary and she definitely, 100% would've checked and thought I'll say yes and then give my excuses to Bounty9 nearer the time.

I have sent her a text, I have said that it's a real shame. it's a lot of travelling - she will miss the majority of activities on the day and so it would be easier for her to stay at home and just come up that evening once nativity is finished. She has replied "Oh no, it's ok - FIL is fine with the driving. I've been really looking forward to this break, just unfortunate the DGS nativity has fallen in the middle'.

I think I'm just going to leave it now and let DH speak to her when he sees her tomorrow.

Honestly this would eat away at me, I’d be raging and I take my hat off to you for managing MIL’s blatant favouritism of DGS so well. Your DH probably doesn’t want any more family conflict, or a falling out with his mother. Personally I would calmly tell her how you feel about her not treating her grandchildren equally, because your DD will notice as she gets older, failing that I would distance myself before your DD is old enough to notice she’s second best..
I wish you luck with this difficult situation, like they say, ‘you can choose your friends but not your family’

3petitpois · 20/11/2024 23:16

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 19:53

@Barrenfieldoffucks haha, sorry I didn’t mean it to be like the Gavin and Stacey fishing trip that’s never spoken about.

It was a week in Paris that was doomed from the start tbh, because we’d already felt like MIL was playing favourites but a week all shoved in one house together just brought it to light. She carried DGS everywhere the whole time (even though SIL asked her to let him walk) and when my DD asked to hold her hand/be picked up she would say no, sorry, she was holding DGS. She didn’t play with her or try to interact with her, despite DD’s attempts. We asked if she wanted to come on some rides with us at Disney after she had been on some with DGS and she refused and stayed with SIL. Even SIL was pissed off at the end, because her son wanted nothing to do with her and was permanently attached to MIL. It all came to a head one evening when DD was trying to get her attention and she was ignoring her in favour of DGS - there were crossed words, DH said if it didn’t balance out, then we’d have to pull back when we got home. We got an earlier Eurostar home because we had had enough and it just ended pretty badly. Like I said, we’ve rebuilt bridges and stopped doing huge group get togethers and things had been much better.

Does your husband ever tell you how things are every Thursday when he takes DD to spend time with MIL SIL and cousin? Hopefully DD is subjected to a weekly dose of being 2nd best

Lizzie67384 · 20/11/2024 23:16

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 20/11/2024 14:20

I’d tell them not to bother coming, theres no reason for GPs to be at a nativity (at ours it was 2 tickets per child) the blatant favouritism will be noticed by your DC as they get older and will impact the relationship not only with the GPs but possibly their cousin too. I would try to nip this in the bud.

Really? My mum and dad always come to my children’s plays

Acornacorn · 20/11/2024 23:16

nativities are so special so I can understand your MIL wanting to be there. Have you explained to her that what you have planned is special too and you’re hurt she’s choosing to miss it?
she might not have considered it like that. Centre Parcs isn’t everyone’s idea of a special treat.
is there a way to come up with a compromise so everyone’s happy? Why not get there at 10am on the first day and leave later on the last day to maximise your time at CP and quality time together (regardless of whether they pop back for the nativity or not).

WriteAPaperNow · 20/11/2024 23:15

I think I am lacking the ‘nativity plays are a big deal’ gene.

BettyBardMacDonald · 20/11/2024 23:14

ShillyShallySherbet · 20/11/2024 21:41

I can understand your feelings about this but I think I agree with your husband’s approach. You’re really not going to change the way she is. She is incredibly bonded to her first grandson, almost in an unhealthy way by the sounds of it. Instead of being jealous of the bond she has with him be proud of the bond you have with your child that your sister in law doesn’t have with her child. Your DD will see this as well in time.

Yeah but this ignores all of the money and effort that OP has expended for the gp's benefit.

I'd tell them to fuck off, frankly.

Marmiteontoastgirlie · 20/11/2024 23:11

Givingmetalktalk · 20/11/2024 23:04

I couldn't agree more. I wouldn't be angry about it - just really hurt and disappointed.

'We've been thinking about it MIL and we just feel it would be too upsetting and hurtful to have you go off for the only full day we have together at X Location, and have you miss X, Y and Z activities, so we think it would be better - if you're truly set on being there for X's nativity - that you stay home this time. We're disappointed in your choice but don't want that to take over Baby's holiday'.

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1000% this! It will be such a weird vibe them leaving and then coming back telling your DD all about the nativity. Just tell them that you’ve invited some other friends instead, even if you don’t.

ThePoshUns · 20/11/2024 23:07

I've read all of the OP posts.
I think it's bloody rude of your MIL to leave the break that you have bought them as a gift. All for what will likely be a minutes worth of her DGS nativity. She sounds bonkers .
At least you have the measure of her now OP. You sound like a lovely DIL, and a great mum. Have a lovely trip.

Givingmetalktalk · 20/11/2024 23:04

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 20/11/2024 23:01

I’d be firmer on the ‘don’t bother coming’ as it will spoil your trip worrying about when they will turn up and the whole point was the Wednesday activities. She is being ridiculous and it sounds very unhealthy all round.

I couldn't agree more. I wouldn't be angry about it - just really hurt and disappointed.

'We've been thinking about it MIL and we just feel it would be too upsetting and hurtful to have you go off for the only full day we have together at X Location, and have you miss X, Y and Z activities, so we think it would be better - if you're truly set on being there for X's nativity - that you stay home this time. We're disappointed in your choice but don't want that to take over Baby's holiday'.

BettyBardMacDonald · 20/11/2024 23:03

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/11/2024 23:01

Just read your update about all the planned activities that you've paid for and she is missing, for a bloody second nursery nativity.

Now I've realised it's not just a few seconds in a grotto, I'd tell her that you don't want her place to go to waste and given she won't be there for most of it, you've invited others in her place. Whether you do or not ,I don't think I could stay with her knowing that we were getting the dregs of left over time from the favoured relative.

This x100.

Tell her to not bother.

TPJB · 20/11/2024 23:03

Gummybear23 · 20/11/2024 14:17

I guess most people wouldn't want to miss a Nativity play.
It is rather special.
It not a go at you.

Oh for goodness sake. They are the grandparents and not the parents. The kid will probably have one line if he’s lucky and more likely to be one of many stars or angels. It’s bloody rude to mess up the trip for that.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 20/11/2024 23:01

I’d be firmer on the ‘don’t bother coming’ as it will spoil your trip worrying about when they will turn up and the whole point was the Wednesday activities. She is being ridiculous and it sounds very unhealthy all round.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/11/2024 23:01

Just read your update about all the planned activities that you've paid for and she is missing, for a bloody second nursery nativity.

Now I've realised it's not just a few seconds in a grotto, I'd tell her that you don't want her place to go to waste and given she won't be there for most of it, you've invited others in her place. Whether you do or not ,I don't think I could stay with her knowing that we were getting the dregs of left over time from the favoured relative.

EwwSprouts · 20/11/2024 22:50

Can't believe how many people think it's normal to duck out of planned mini break to see a nursery nativity. Most grandparents don't attend them and those that do it's usually because parents work full-time.

I wouldn't bother challenging MIL about it much because she isn't going to change. I would just dial down the effort I put in to including them going forward.

Original poster

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 22:46

Thank you @GandDiva - it’s so interesting to see it from that point of view!

OP posts:

GandDiva · 20/11/2024 22:44

I would be frustrated by this too op.

I think SIL will eventually regret letting MIL be so involved. The baby will get older and wonder why he's not treated the same as his brother.
My oldest DS is my parents and my exes parents first GC. He was completely put on a pedestal by both sets of GPs, especially by my DDad. My dad treated my DB like this too when we were growing up and it caused a lot of problems. I had my 2nd DS a few years later and the difference in how they have been treated is astonishing. My parents went to all my oldest son's shows, took him on holidays, set up premium bonds and an ISA for him but not for all the other GC. My oldest DS now is 20 and has grown up with an air of arrogance about him. He can never accept he is wrong after years of being made to feel he is better than everyone else. We didn't have the best relationship in his teenage years as I would discipline where appropriate and his GPS would tell him I was in the wrong. My younger DS would get pulled up on little things by my DDad though. My DB is also quite thoughtless at times and his nickname for himself is teflon .. because nothing sticks!

Anyway, enjoy your trip! Your MIL will probably regret missing the Santa visit when your DD is excitedly telling her about it.

Original poster

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 22:43

@Gatecrashermum if that was an option we would, but he really just does as she asks so I doubt he would do it knowing it would upset her. It is a shame, because he really does try with her.

@EdgarAllenRaven his opinion is that he’s disappointed and feels let down, but refuses to let it put a downer on something we’ve spent a fair amount of money on, he says our enjoyment of it does not correlate with GP’s being there, but he’s going to voice our disappointment tomorrow when he sees her. (We will see how much he actually does that..)

OP posts:

mcmen05 · 20/11/2024 22:41

My mum definitely favored my sisters kids over everone
There is six of us and one golden girl can do no wrong and her kids where the favorites my mum passed away and my sister now treats my dad like a child but then complains she has to do everything.
My other sister middle child went and lived with his granny on the dad's side and now blames my sister for not wanting him and it was the granny spoiling him and a sleepover at weekend turned into full time.
He is 25 now been to New Zealand and when he comes back he still lives with the granny.
So in a way be glad that attention is not going to your dd I know it's hard and I had few bust ups with my mum over similar but I was, the loser the rest took my mums side as didn't want to be on wrong side of her.

EdgarAllenRaven · 20/11/2024 22:39

She’s being ridiculous. But I don’t think you can say anything… it is your DH who needs to point out that you’ve booked a Santa Visit and lunch for that day, and he would love her to be there for it… what’s his opinion?

NoisyDenimShaker · 20/11/2024 22:32

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/11/2024 22:16

That would make you extremely rude. Your son has paid for you to have a break, has discussed it with you and planned and paid for activities and you'd leave the actual main day to go to a nativity 1.5 hours aware. Are you sure? It's really bloody selfish and rude.

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I agree!

NoisyDenimShaker · 20/11/2024 22:31

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 21:52

The huge irony and maybe sad part of this is that MIL doesn't speak to her own mum because she played favourites with DH's cousins when they were all little. I'm not sure how she can't see it's playing out exactly the same - before any of us had children she swore blind she would never let that happen.

In that case, do you think perhaps she really doesn't know she's doing it? You said that she babysits her DGS and so has a naturally closer relationship...maybe she has no idea that she's playing favourites and that you and your husband have even noticed any uneven attention.

Might be worth bringing the issue up with her, calmly?