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AIBU?

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Original poster

It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

888 replies

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 14:15

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

OP posts:
AprilShowerslastforHours · 21/11/2024 08:06

Do you ever speak to DSil about it? She's going to really regret not pulling back in a few years.

When MIL comes back from the nativity don't let her talk about it more than a minute or two, but, actually, I wouldn't mention much about your day either. If she was interested she would be staying.

Lifeshard949 · 21/11/2024 06:42

.

MyOpalViewer · 21/11/2024 06:36

TheFairyCaravan · 20/11/2024 19:40

Well, if she had as much as a natural relationship with the poster and the siblings she wouldn’t be seeing more of one set of DGC she?

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so you did assume / misunderstand

MyOpalViewer · 21/11/2024 06:34

sorry if i missed but how local do you live from your Mil and your Sil OP?

MyOpalViewer · 21/11/2024 06:33

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 21/11/2024 05:47

Sounds like she’s trying to stretch herself to keep everyone happy.

yes that’s how i see it
but others seem to think it’s evidence she’s the devil incarnate

LushLemonTart · 21/11/2024 06:07

Gatecrashermum · 20/11/2024 22:12

OP, just to think outside the box - why don't you tell MIL to stay behind and just have FIL come with you?

He sounds like a sensible and nice man who makes an effort with your daughter. If MIL isn't there he doesn't have to miss the main event. I'm sure he doesn't give a fig about the nativity.

Otherwise I'd tell them just not to come. They'll be tired for the rest of the trip and full of stories about the bloody nativity.

And all the posters saying poor MIL is being pulled in 2 directions- no she's not. She had an invitation she is rudely ditching for favoured grandchild. I'm sure SIL dreads her mum coming to these things if her own son ignores her. How sad for SIL. And make no mistake- MIL isn't trying to please everyone, she is only pleasing herself.

This. He'd probably have a better time. I feel for him. This won't be allowed of course.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 21/11/2024 05:47

Sounds like she’s trying to stretch herself to keep everyone happy.

Flatandhappy · 21/11/2024 05:26

As a grandparent there is absolutely no way I would back out of a commitment already made to one child to accommodate another regardless of relationships. It’s a primary school nativity play FFS, the school will probably video it anyway to stop parents standing in the isles blocking everyone’s view so they can take photos of their precious. I totally understand why you are upset.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/11/2024 05:09

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 20:21

@AnneShirleysNewDress I don’t think there’s pressure coming from anyone, I think that’s why it’s upsetting - if SIL was twisting her arm, if DGS was begging her to go I could at least understand it but she’s just actively choosing to go over the plans we’d already made - which a week ago she was off the walls excited about.

Her behaviour in Paris was terrible and she was lucky you forgave her. The fact that she is insisting on attending her grandson's nativity rather than honouring her pre-arranged plans with her grand-daughter is unforgivable. She has learned nothing and I would definitely pull back from her. Your daughter will soon start noticing her favouritism more and it will damage her self esteem.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/11/2024 05:00

Likewhatever · 20/11/2024 19:56

The fact that they’re willing to drive back and forth between you both suggests that she’s trying to please both families. I appreciate it’s not ideal and you’re justified in being disappointed but the intention is good. Your SIL might have been the one applying pressure. I think your PIL are caught between a rock and a hard place.

As OP has said that as her SIL is upset that her son seems to prefer her mum to her, it is unlikely that she is putting pressure on her mum to attend the Nativity.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/11/2024 04:56

BrendaSmall · 20/11/2024 19:53

Like I said, she's not a horrible person, and we booked this with her in mind because she loves Christmas. It's DD's first santa visit, the first one she understands and is excited about - she's missing that too. If she was so looking forward to this break, she could forego one nativity for a break that cost us a fair whack of money

so you say about your Mother In Law, missing your daughter meeting Santa, yet your happy for her to miss her grandson in his nativity??

I got to all my grandson’s nativities, I’ve not missed one, I’ll even have time off work to attend!!

My grandson loves me watching, infact every year he asks me to watch him

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So you would cancel pre-arranged plans with another grandchild to attend your grandson's nativity?

OP's MIL is both bad mannered and unkind.

skyandocean · 21/11/2024 00:31

No she didn't double book, schools don't release nativity dates so far in advance, she would've just found out the dates now and seen it clashes on the same day she'll be away. Most nursery/schools have 2 tickets per child, as they can't fit so many ppl in.

Honestly a nativity play is 30 mins and seriously not that big of a deal at such a young age, they get like one or two lines that's if he has the main character roles and then it's just singing. Surely she can watch the recording and doesn't need to be there in person, both grandparents can't attend anyway if the mum is attending too. Even they'll see what a pointless drive for 30 mins show, depending on where they are seated their view may not be great either.
Our school usually has 2 dates for the play, to make it easier for parents to attend, can she check if they also have 2 dates?

Codlingmoths · 21/11/2024 00:23

MabelMora · 20/11/2024 23:39

The shit will hit the fan big style once SIL has endured a few years of her mother blatantly favouring the eldest boy with the youngest constantly being second best. Will make Parisgate look like a walk in the park!

Yes sil must be seriously unhappy with her.

Codlingmoths · 21/11/2024 00:22

I’ve pulled back massively from mil with my dc being a clear second to sils, I didn’t mind when it was me of course but I mind for my baby. She saw my dd as a newborn when they dropped the older ones home after they looked after them while I was in the hospital, then canceled every arrangement for the next two months as something would come up with sil and mil would have to look after her dds. It felt like we never actually saw the grandparents without sils dds for about a year.

Purplebunnie · 21/11/2024 00:14

SensibleSigma · 20/11/2024 21:54

You really won’t have to explain to her! Please don’t try to! I have a scatty unreliable parent, and my DC learned that she “loves them but isn’t very good at showing it… loves them but isn’t good at buying presents, loves them, but isn’t good at relationships. Etc.

She does love them to the best of her ability, she’s just a crap granny. They always knew it was about her, not them, and I made a point of sharing anything positive she mentioned or inferred, “granny thinks you’re great at x, y, z, she really appreciated your help”.

For your DD eventually you get to ‘Granny’s not very good at multi tasking. She is a bit stuck on paying attention to GC 1 because that’s where she learned how to be a granny!”.

Separately, that break sounds awesome! Could you send me a link? I’d love to go next year!

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Actually I'd like the link as well, I'd like to take my DGC, their parents and their aunt to this next year, it would be fantastic

Codlingmoths · 21/11/2024 00:06

I’d cancel it. I’d say we wanted it to be a treat and you will miss most of the day and dds Santa visit so it just sounds hard. I think we should just cancel the booking for you and hopefully get a refund so we can try again another time when you can make it.

MinnieMouse200 · 21/11/2024 00:05

Flossflower · 20/11/2024 23:50

Read OPs posts

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Ah I see, that's very odd. Did DH ever discuss Paris again with his mum when you got back? Explain the upset

Flossflower · 20/11/2024 23:50

MinnieMouse200 · 20/11/2024 23:43

What is Parisgate?

Read OPs posts

MinnieMouse200 · 20/11/2024 23:43

What is Parisgate?

MinnieMouse200 · 20/11/2024 23:41

People are who they are and if you have to fight or force attention then it won't feel the same anyway.

Let go of what you can't control and let her go to the nativity. Don't change your own plans, enjoy it and welcome them when they get back etc just keep in mind for next year.

You have all you need with your little family and so this is her loss.

MabelMora · 20/11/2024 23:39

The shit will hit the fan big style once SIL has endured a few years of her mother blatantly favouring the eldest boy with the youngest constantly being second best. Will make Parisgate look like a walk in the park!

SophiaCohle · 20/11/2024 23:38

The more you post, the more fucked up your MIL's relationship with DGS sounds and I think you and your DD are well out of that dynamic.

Her behaviour in Paris was totally unacceptable and I'm surprised you wanted to mend bridges to the extent that you even arranged this trip tbh. She should be working hard to repair the damage she's done instead of compounding it with yet more rudeness.

She sounds like she needs help tbh.

MabelMora · 20/11/2024 23:36

bubblesun · 20/11/2024 23:27

To be fair, she wouldn't have missed your dd seeing Santa for the first time if you booked it in the area you all live...

You chose to book a holiday away for these activities.

I'm experiencing favouritism. My MIL forgets to even send a happy birthday text to me about my children's birthday but I watch them organise lavish parties for my SIL.

What you are experiencing is a grandmother trying not to exclude anyone.
Could you not change the important events to the day she won't have to go to the nativity and then you all are happy, it's that easy to choose the peaceful mindset.
She probably senses your tension and that's why she's trying to appease you by claiming she's fine travelling.

I really don't think this has to be an issue

Oh well, there you go OP - it's actually your fault!! 🙄

What they're experiencing is a grandmother prioritising one grandchild over her others, aka favouritism.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/11/2024 23:34

Based on your updates it is very clear that MIL is not trying to keep the peace or keep everyone happy. She is solely interested in herself and what she wants. And there will be long term ramifications from her attitude. She is going to be isolated from your little family and probably also from SIL and GS as SIL is already making decisions that exclude MIL because she is sick of her behaviour.

If DH wants to have a chat with her, I'd be focusing on the long term ramifications. I'd be letting her know that what she does now will impact her relationship with DD, yourself and DH in the future. I'd tell her that while you cant control what she chooses to do, that you can control what you do and you plan to invite people to share the special moments in your life who you know wont let you down and who will be a positive influence on DD. He can ask her how that will make her feel.

As a parent further down the track with kids who are aware, trust me hearing "there's no point in going to Grandmas, she wont spend any time with us" is like a knife through the heart because I do not want my kids to ever feel like that. Its also resulted in us spending very little time with them. And i think MIL now has many regrets about that. But that was her choice and she has to live with that.

Flossflower · 20/11/2024 23:33

WriteAPaperNow · 20/11/2024 23:15

I think I am lacking the ‘nativity plays are a big deal’ gene.

Me too!
When my children left junior school, I was so happy that I would now no longer have to go and watch a nativity/ school christmas play, only to find myself sitting next to another parent who couldn’t possibly give it miss, even though they had a really bad virus that I would go down with just before Christmas!
I don’t do these as a grandparent and my children send me the recordings of the 30 seconds the grandchildren are on.