It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

It's honestly like being asked to friends for a meal. As pre-dinner drinks are being served say you have been asked to someone else's house too and you are just going to pop there now, but you'll be back for dessert or coffee. Rude. And obvious to the hosts that you'd prefer to be at the other house for a few hours. I presume some on this thread would think that's OK!

Why on earth do people think it's OK for the Granny to sod off for 6 hours on the one full day that is being spent with Christmas activities agreed in advance between her and the family?

It's not about being torn, trying to please everyone blah blah. She has seen one nativity, the DGS is 3, there's no need to see another one and in doing so letting down her other grandchild.

@Bounty9 - the situation you find yourself in is pretty shitty to be honest. None of it is actually your doing. I’d make myself less available to these grandparents and when they ask point out the numbers of times you were available and then they changed plans at the last minute. Hold up a mirror to their behaviour.

I know you said you wanted your kids to have a relationship with them but I’d rather have a relationship with people who also want a relationship with them rather than someone who doesn’t and drops them when another offer pops in!

The more you write about her relationship with your nephew, the more I think you can be very glad that she isn't so involved with your daughter.

Because you agreed to do ONE of those things and had it in your diary for months. Just because something new has popped up, you should say “Sorry DD, I can’t make DGS’s nativity this year as I’ll be away with DS,DiL and DGD instead. That’s a pity, please can you take loads of photos of the show for me so I can see DGS later?”

I hope your DH references that when he’s speaking to her today about the plans.

You’ve paid for them to join you, right? Can you get some of that money back at all?

Ahhh, I feel sorry for the grandma. He is so obviously trying to keep everyone happy. She must feel caught between a rock and a hard place. To be honest I'd let her come and let this one go. Is it really worth another fallout? Grandmothers are by nature closer to their own daughter's children and vast majority of the time. I'd be thankful that she is really trying to have a relationship with you and dd.

If three year olds don't care if DGM is there to visit Father Christmas they they don't care if they are present at their second nativity either.

However you spin it its incredibly rude to accept an expensive gift, all arranged with you for your enjoyment and then sod off for the core part. The OP and DH probably have better things to do with their money.

Have you really read all the OP posts including the posts about the DGM weird behaviour which causes the SiL concerns as well? It is not normal and its not healthy. Its not about being "competitive" its about wanting a healthy environment for children - golden child behaviours are rarely healthy for the children.

What an utterly shit granny she is your daughter for constantly rejecting her - and to her grandson for effectively stealing him from her own daughter. I’d have to have a bottle of wine with SIL and find out what she thinks about her own mother destroying her relationship with her son.

Have more than a word with her - tell her that her behaviour to her lovely little granddaughter is disgraceful. If she’s upset, well the truth hurts.

Also OP’s DD won’t even know or care if grandma goes off for a few hours. She’ll still love meeting Santa. This is about OP.

How is your relationship with your husband OP?

Ah sorry. But I suspect it will have long been organised, even so. DD's nativity was in the function room of local sports club to allow space for parents.

this is preschool / nursery

I have read the OP’s posts? Honestly I think it’s very common- the overwhelming norm? That GPs are closer to some DGCs than others- often it’s the DCs of their daughters (for reasons that make total sense if you read mumsnet!), as long as the GP is still loving and the relationship close (which OP says it is) I don’t think it does children any harm at all . It’s GPs not parents . It’s just the nature of human relationships that some extended family relationships / friendships are closer than others, but they don’t need to detract from each other. Comparison and competitiveness does no one any good.

Will have been in the school calendar since the beginning of term, likely. Source: Retired School Teacher. These things are organised months in advance.

Unless DGS is Joseph or singing a solo, there's no reason for them to be there. Just ask someone to video it. Unlikely DGS will worry either way. I'd be fed up if I were DGD's parents and stop even trying.

And willfully ignoring the damage which can be done to all the children in this situation - not just the "second class" children. Golden child can be just as damaged by these skewed relationships. In this scenario I also feel very sorry for the SiL dealing with both the direct fall out in the wider family and the sibling favouritism which will play out at home. It rapidly becomes very undermining as a parent.

For the OP best advice is just to step back from arranging things and just nod and smile when they have to congregate as a wider family.

They booked activities to do together all day including OP's DC's first visit to father Christmas and instead, PILs are disappearing for 6 hours, all day, on the only full day of the trip. It's really not rocket science to know why that would be a problem.

Some posters are twisting themselves into pretzels to find a way to absolve MIL from any responsibility or blame for priotising her grandson over her grand-daughter.

Your MIL is an extremely lucky woman and I think she is behaving horribly. She has made plans with you and she should stick to them.

This post actually made me feel really sad. I would modify this and send it to her. Explain all the things that you were looking forward to her doing with her grandchild and how disappointed you are that she’s now not going to be there. Fuck being polite! She should know how she has made you feel and send it from you not your husband. I’d even probably go as far as to say I know you’ve always favoured the eldest but just thought for once you might have put her first. I’d be polite but I wouldn’t hold back and I would say to her not to bother coming now as it will just making it confusing for your DD and sad for you and your DH

yup, as i keep saying. Its the height of bad manners to blow off an accepted invitation for a "better offer"

Or you could read the OP posts:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5213989-its-a-mil-one-stop-me-before-i-say-something-ill-regret?postsby=Bounty9

Your argument seems to sit between "I was beaten and it didn't do me any harm" and "I was alright Jack".

Even the SiL isn't happy with the situation and none of this detracts from the sheer bloody rudeness of accepting an expensive trip including a "first" for her granddaughter - a trip arranged with the MiL in mind - and then sodding off for the main day and missing her granddaughter's "first". Its rude and selfish and you may have not cared but it can cause real upset for children.

Mumsnet is so unhealthy sometimes. So many posters egging OP on in her jealousy and competitiveness over SIL’s child. Yes these things can hurt if your child isn’t the favourite one, but these are the realities of human relationships and there’s nothing to be gained from indulging the green eyed monster. MIL is allowed her relationship with her DGS and that is separate from her relationship with DGD. Sounds like she does genuinely love them both, albeit she has a special closeness to her DD’s eldest. This is not uncommon.

I don't see that at all, she is prioritising her DGS above everyone else.