Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

888 replies

Bounty9 · 20/11/2024 14:15

I'll start out by saying DH and I have been together for 12 years and I had a wonderful relationship with MIL before kids got thrown into the mix.

SIL had her little boy 3.5 years ago and he was the centre of the universe, understandably. We then had DD 1 year later and honestly, she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays. But bridges have been rebuilt and we basically stopped doing things as a large group, and encouraged 1:1 time with MIL and DD instead, which was going well, DD adores her.

We decided this year to book a 3 day getaway, me, DH and DD and invite MIL and FIL and pay for them as a thank you for all the holidays they've taken us on over the years. it's a centre parcs break. We are travelling up, staying one full day and then travelling back. It's about a 1.5 hour drive. This has been in the diary since summer, and we all knew the dates.

MIL has text me today to say she has 'unintentionally' double booked and it's DGS nativity play on the only full day we are there, so they are going to drive back for it in the morning, and then come back in the evening - essentially they will be gone for 6 hours. We'd booked a santa visit, lunch etc that and I'm bloody hurt that she couldn't just say no this time.

I know it doesn't matter. DD is going to have the best time, we are going to have lovely family time, but ffs just when you think she can't let you down again.

AIBU to feel upset about this? I haven't replied yet. I want to just say forget it, don't come if you're going to miss half the trip and activities, but DH thinks we should just let them do as they please and not let it spoil our time.

OP posts:
LushLemonTart · 21/11/2024 11:07

@Bounty9 she definitely would.

godmum56 · 21/11/2024 11:00

Bounty9 · 21/11/2024 10:51

@Hoppinggreen She cried when SIL had her first because she knew she would have to share them at Christmas. This was before the baby was even born.. It was actually MIL's sister that metaphorically slapped some sense into her as it happened in a group setting and was v. awkward.

ok its official, she has problems.

Original poster
Bounty9 · 21/11/2024 10:55

No, @LushLemonTart but I think she would probably benefit from it!

OP posts:
LushLemonTart · 21/11/2024 10:54

Bounty9 · 21/11/2024 10:51

@Hoppinggreen She cried when SIL had her first because she knew she would have to share them at Christmas. This was before the baby was even born.. It was actually MIL's sister that metaphorically slapped some sense into her as it happened in a group setting and was v. awkward.

Wow she's starting to sound unwell? Has she had any counselling regarding her own dm?

Original poster
Bounty9 · 21/11/2024 10:51

@Hoppinggreen She cried when SIL had her first because she knew she would have to share them at Christmas. This was before the baby was even born.. It was actually MIL's sister that metaphorically slapped some sense into her as it happened in a group setting and was v. awkward.

OP posts:
mrsnjw · 21/11/2024 10:49

So is she still driving to see you? I agree with others now you know where you are I'd focus on making amazing memories with your daughter. Ultimately it will be mil who misses out on watching her grow up. It will be sad to see as you dd gets older and isn't really interested in her gps.

Hoppinggreen · 21/11/2024 10:48

Bounty9 · 21/11/2024 10:47

@TVwontwork no, he wouldn’t say that because I know him, absolutely hates confrontation even when they are clearly wrong. However, I will be seeing MIL on Monday and I’m not sure I’ll be able to put on such a happy front!

Is she the type to cry and claim she might not have many Christmases left despite being very healthy?

Original poster
Bounty9 · 21/11/2024 10:47

@TVwontwork no, he wouldn’t say that because I know him, absolutely hates confrontation even when they are clearly wrong. However, I will be seeing MIL on Monday and I’m not sure I’ll be able to put on such a happy front!

OP posts:
TVwontwork · 21/11/2024 10:46

@Bounty9 Has your DH told his DM that actually it can be helped, and therein lies the upset because it’s a choice that she has made? It’s not a jury summons, it’s a nativity play so she doesn’t HAVE to go but she’s chosen to sack off the plans made with your DC to do something with the other.

godmum56 · 21/11/2024 10:44

Bounty9 · 21/11/2024 10:38

So I've heard back from DH. Apparently the first thing she asked was - was I upset as I seemed it in my messages.. he said we are both upset and disappointed she will be missing out on activities we had planned as a group and we were looking forward to her involvement in. She said she feels bad - she understands why we're upset but essentially it can't be helped.

Honestly, I'd rather that than her cancel and be sat there wishing she was somewhere else. Yes, it does hurt but I think this has just cemented where we stand. At least now we know for the future and it's become apparent early on. We certainly won't be inviting them away again, but will make the most of our break regardless!

On a brighter note, DD woke up to snow this morning and was bouncing off the walls excited. This time of year is so much more special with a little one to share it with.

Well now you know and you know early in your child's life. I hope you have a lovely 3 day break and I bet you enjoy the bits that are just the three of you the most!

BustingBaoBun · 21/11/2024 10:41

she understands why we're upset but essentially it can't be helped

It totally can be helped. She doesn't have to go to the Nativity of a 3yo when she went last year.

OP you sound sensible and philosophical about it all and I am sure you will have a great time with your little DD. The GPs are bonkers doing a 3 hour round trip for this

Original poster
Bounty9 · 21/11/2024 10:38

So I've heard back from DH. Apparently the first thing she asked was - was I upset as I seemed it in my messages.. he said we are both upset and disappointed she will be missing out on activities we had planned as a group and we were looking forward to her involvement in. She said she feels bad - she understands why we're upset but essentially it can't be helped.

Honestly, I'd rather that than her cancel and be sat there wishing she was somewhere else. Yes, it does hurt but I think this has just cemented where we stand. At least now we know for the future and it's become apparent early on. We certainly won't be inviting them away again, but will make the most of our break regardless!

On a brighter note, DD woke up to snow this morning and was bouncing off the walls excited. This time of year is so much more special with a little one to share it with.

OP posts:
LushLemonTart · 21/11/2024 10:38

@cleanasawhistle that's appalling. Your poor dcs.

cleanasawhistle · 21/11/2024 10:28

Yes its ironic that MIL fell out with her own mother due to similar behaviour.
I think your OH needs to remind his mother of this and say how disappointed you are in her actions and the day your daughter can see it you will be limiting contact.

We had the same with MIL and SIL kids.
My OH would never speak to her about it.
We visited one day and it was the usual seeing stuff pilled up on the chair and her showing us all the gifts she had bought for the girls...my boys never got anything.
I left that day and said to my husband me and the boys would never be going back unless he had a word...we never went back.

Hoppinggreen · 21/11/2024 10:23

Unfortunately there is no "good news" in this scenario.
Either MIL will agree to stay for the whole break but OP will know she didn't actually want to or she will still go to The Nativity even after its been pointed out that this is shitty behaviour and it will clear that what her son's family think is irrelevant because they are being unreasonable - note that this will be entirely OP's fault rather than her H's
Of course she might offer a genuine and abject apology and never behave like that again but its very very unlikely.

TVwontwork · 21/11/2024 10:22

My DD9 is the second class GC to my ILs as they favour their DD’s 4 older kids massively so. My DD is now old enough to see this and it’s kind of heartbreaking.
We incorrectly assumed DGM would attempt to be overwhelmingly involved, but it was in fact the complete opposite.
Fortunately my DH and I noticed this early on when DD was younger so were able to withdraw a lot and we are now very LC with ILs
We speak with ILs monthly and visit annually and they just constantly bring all conversations back to the other DGC and our DD now notices this and doesn’t really like her DGPs anymore sadly, and unfortunately also seems to resent her cousins somewhat as well.
I’m pleased that we made the decision early on to dial the relationship back and our expectations of them are now as close to zero as they can be, but I’ll admit I’m still disappointed that they don’t recognise and correct their behaviour at all. I guess they’ll never change.

LushLemonTart · 21/11/2024 10:17

@Bounty9 you're totally justified. It's shocking behaviour and so rude as you know fine well she already knew about the nativity. It's like she gets a kick out of it? Her own dm has probably twisted her?

ImNoSuperman · 21/11/2024 10:15

Hope your DH comes back with some good news @Bounty9. Feel for your DD and your SIL's youngest, it will be more noticeable to him.
Imo GM isn't trying to please everyone at all. She should never have chosen to go to nativity over time away with DGD. Your SIL might have been relieved for her to say no to the nativity, give her the chance to be the only one there for her son. Can't see that relationship going well when the little one grows up a bit either.

My mother favours the oldest GD, none of the other GC even speak to her now.

RosePetals86 · 21/11/2024 10:11

I would also be fuming OP. She should have told your SIL that she already had plans that day so couldn’t make the nativity this year. What is she hanging around for lunch after it for also?! Last time I’d be including her in any family events.

Sadly know this situation all too well myself. Whenever we had plans with grandparents- they were always cancellable if a better offer from cousins arose. Never the other way round though, if they were already busy with them we wouldn’t get a look in. Not surprisingly as adults we don’t bother with them now!

Hoppinggreen · 21/11/2024 10:11

Bounty9 · 21/11/2024 09:30

Well he’s gone to see his mum this morning, so we will see what comes of the conversation. I’ve accepted this is happening but I am still hurt about it, whether that’s right or wrong or my own issue. I’m surprised there are so many comments saying she’s trying to do both, or she’s stuck in a difficult position.. I’m not sure she really is. I just thought it’s common courtesy when you agree to go away with someone to actually be present on that trip. Maybe I was expecting too much of them in the first place.

I think people who are trying to justify your MIL's behaviour don't understand how crappy it is to see your wonderful DC always come second to someone elses kids.

Dawevi · 21/11/2024 09:54

Rainbowqueeen · 20/11/2024 23:34

Based on your updates it is very clear that MIL is not trying to keep the peace or keep everyone happy. She is solely interested in herself and what she wants. And there will be long term ramifications from her attitude. She is going to be isolated from your little family and probably also from SIL and GS as SIL is already making decisions that exclude MIL because she is sick of her behaviour.

If DH wants to have a chat with her, I'd be focusing on the long term ramifications. I'd be letting her know that what she does now will impact her relationship with DD, yourself and DH in the future. I'd tell her that while you cant control what she chooses to do, that you can control what you do and you plan to invite people to share the special moments in your life who you know wont let you down and who will be a positive influence on DD. He can ask her how that will make her feel.

As a parent further down the track with kids who are aware, trust me hearing "there's no point in going to Grandmas, she wont spend any time with us" is like a knife through the heart because I do not want my kids to ever feel like that. Its also resulted in us spending very little time with them. And i think MIL now has many regrets about that. But that was her choice and she has to live with that.

My kids say this about my in laws, not because of favouritism but because they don't do anything with them or talk to them when we visit, and they don't want to go (unsurprisingly).

I would definitely have a come to Jesus chat with them about it

And your DD will definitely be noticing. My grandma (dad's mum) favoured my brother and male cousins (one of whom wasn't actually a blood relation) over me because she was sexist. I had a very poor relationship with her and was very aware she considered me second best. I wish my mum had said something to her.

TheSerenityPrayer · 21/11/2024 09:51

YANBU @Bounty9 . I'd be hurt and have to say something, too.

Either way, I think it will spoil things when they're there now anyway, even if they no longer go to the nativity. The damage has been done, so to speak.

I'd be tempted to tell them not to bother at all and go alone or take some friends, but I understand why you don't want to rock the boat too much for your DD's sake.

MyOpalViewer · 21/11/2024 09:47

so sorry

Original poster
Bounty9 · 21/11/2024 09:46

@MyOpalViewer I think you’re on the wrong thread, or I am confused 🤣

OP posts:
MyOpalViewer · 21/11/2024 09:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request