It's a MIL one - stop me before I say something I'll regret

It's a great shame so many wet wipe DH's leave it to their wives to express any discontent where their mothers are concerned. It's no wonder MIL/DIL relationships are so fraught.

me neither

i wonder how happy the op is about going on holiday alone with him?!

“Not to be rude but has he been castrated?” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Third sheep, lol! 🤣 Is that a thing??

DH says he doesn’t see it as much as I do and isn’t upset by it

key.

I honestly couldn’t bare a man who wouldn’t stand up to his mum because “he doesn’t like confrontation 🥺” ….not to he rude but has he been castrated? What sort of response is that from an adult man. & he is happy for you to be upset, but not his mum?

I am also struggling with you insisting MIL “isn’t a bad person” when she is so clearly playing favourites and probably damaging your DD’s self esteem. Perhaps all of the help she gave you prior has given you some form of stockholm syndrome, but she is NOT a nice person.

even knowing that his wife is unhappy?

Sits down next to LookItsMeAgain 🍿🥤

You could get a little bell and whenever she starts going on and on about GS instead of being present with you all, ring it and tell her Be Here Now Lois.

Kind of kidding, kind of not. Ring dingaling.

I grew up with a dynamic like this, favoritism to one golden grand child. It's not healthy for the family, it's very damaging to be taught to care for a grandparent yet be rejected for another gc over and over. Your MIL is parenting over her own daughter to the point where the child is going to her instead of his own mom. She is breaking the maternal child bond to insert herself and that's toxic. I'd back away a mile if I were you and see her very very little.

Booking my place for Monday!! 🍿

Best of luck @Bounty9

@Bounty9 please remember to come back and update us after you have seen her on monday! if it was me, I would not be seeing her at all, ever!! she has made her choice. wonder what would happen if both grandchildren were to have their nativities at the same time at different venues??? we all know the answer to that one!

Your mother in law needs a reality check. Tell she has not double booked, she accepted an invitation to come away with DGD - and that to renege now would be sending the wrong message to BOTH her GC (in terms of the right thing to do - don’t bring in the favouritism element). Explain that with multiple GC (maybe more in the future) she may be faced with this type of situation again so setting a fair precedent now will be good. Let her know how important it is to you and your family to have special time with GP - which was why you planned this with them. Tell her that you understand she may feel torn and she is of course free to choose any invites she wants - but, before she makes a final decision, you wanted her to be clear about how this decision could impact how she deals with future conflicting requests.

NB: she should perhaps think of a clear plan e.g accepted invite obvious, GC ‘firsts’ priority and emergency trumps. She’s very lucky to be so loved and in demand

And come on, it's a nursery nativity, he's not starring in a West End show. They'll all stand there forgetting what they're doing, sing an off-key song and that's it. Lovely for parents, but not exactly a must-do for anyone else. Our nursery has done a few shows and grandparents only come if parents are unable anyway.

Some weird replies here!

They will both be gone for six hours on the only actual day of the holiday. It's bonkers. I'd just tell them not to bother coming as it's just silly.

They don't need to be present at every event for their first grandchild. It's okay for them to miss out occasionally because they are doing something with their other grandchild. But this way second grandchild misses out so first grandchild doesn't have to.

They'd accepted an invitation, all they need to do is say sorry they can't make it this year but look forward to seeing a pic or whatever and spend the time with their other grandchild.

Sorry, OP, it sounds tough to deal with. Favourites are awful.

Yes, I’d do that too!

Your expectations are NOT too high, and take no notice of posts that are empathetic towards MIL, they clearly have no idea how to place themselves in your shoes. I would be hurt too in your position. MIL is blatantly favouring DGS and has no thought for the impact this has on you or your DH and your DD, how dare she throw kindness in your face after you have paid for them to spend time with you all as a family. What a kick in the guts. Frankly I wouldn’t want her in my life.
I do empathise, my MIL had no time for our children, she barely had a conversation with them, then years later when they were all grown up and FIL passed away she decided she needed us… too late, the damage was done.

She sounds like a very toxic woman. You said she was nice to you in the past. I suspect that was all about her and not about you. Why is everyone so scared to tell her how they feel? The controlling thing with the other grandchild is weird too. Does she always get her own way? What happens if she doesn’t? Why is everyone so scared to tell her what they think? I’d use this as an opportunity to cut contact to a minimum if I were you. There is no way I’d let her treat my family like this. (Hope that didn’t sound harsh, you sound very nice by the way and know it’s easier said than done but I’m actually furious on your behalf!)

This is what I'd do.

She attended DGS' nativity last year – and it's a nursery, so will barely last 15 mins if experience is anything to go by. This year she had committed to going away with DGD. If she was doing her best for both grandkids, she'd stick to the trip this time and do another treat with DGS at another time.

well this needn't happen. they can just do what they had planned to do and if the in laws can't join in....well it can't be helped.

Are you sure something with a friend hasn’t come up for Monday? Sorry mil, it’s unfortunate but can’t be helped. I know there’s no way I could hide my feelings so I’d have to hugely step back and be brutally honest. ‘Dds dance show is next weekend we are so looking forward to it!’ ‘Oh I’d like to go!’ ‘Oh sorry mil we’ve bought the tickets. We thought about asking you but places are limited, you never know what might come up with dnephew so thought better leave it.’

yup....because of course it can't be helped.

It can be helped.

When you see her, don't placate her.

Personally I'd disinvite them. Otherwise you'll be revolving the entire break around their schedule.

And I'd say "Please yourself, MIL, but this won't soon be forgotten."