"stop being silly"

I parent in a similar way, we don't use the word silly here but they have been exposed to it. But I have found that as they spent the majority of time with us that we were the main influence. I have older children who are perfectly resilient and have good self confidence.

She doesn't need her feelings validating OP. She hasn't suffered an emotional injury. She just needs to learn that when grandma tells you to stop being silly its time to stop.

There's absolutely no harm in telling a a child not to be silly. Your DD won't even remember it.

She doesn't need to be "validated" all the time, she needs to be parented, or grandparented and to know the boundaries.

Parents are the main influence. If involved parents create good self esteem, it’s very hard for a third party to destroy it. You can’t control every second of her experience when you’re not there. Prepare to control less and less as she gets older. 18 (and total responsibility for her own life) will come a lot sooner than you think.

But you'd still have no guarantee some MW earning childcarer wouldn;t tell her to stop being silly or not to cry.

OP, accept you can't be with your child 24/7 and that she can cope with different carers reacting in different ways with her.

If you seriously think she will suffer poor mental health from being told not to be silly when she is a pre-schooler then you need to develop her resilience or rejoice that you think her life will be so free from serious trauma that this is the only straw she can clutch at as evidence of mistreatment.

But basically I'm worried DDs being invalidated and it'll impact her mental health in the future.

Fucking hell.

My question too

I hope you don't plan to send your child to nursery or school. If she's being silly there she will be told to stop. Unless your MIL is screaming and swearing at your DD just let it go.
Being upset is different but it does depend why she's upset. Overall I think you are being unreasonable but you don't have to let your MIL look after your DD if you don't like it.

I don't know. I'm 52 and am in therapy, dealing with the lingering, but serious, aftereffects of the kind of childhood where children were shown on a daily basis that they were not the centre of the universe. Without being actively abusive, it was an incredibly damaging way to grow up, and that was in part because my parents had also come from families with still more entrenched 'children should just get on with whatever' views.

Is there a particular reason your MiL doesn't take dd out?

My DC would not be with someone two days a week - even a grandparent - who hardly ever takes them out. That isn’t healthy, in my book. Kids need fresh air and lots of running around for exercise - and basically to wear them out. I took mine out practically every day I had them and they played out at nursery.

This is the problem. Can you at least pick her up quickly at 5 and have 15 minutes outside, even in the dark? I think that’s a bigger issue than whether she will be impacted by being told she’s being silly.

Either that, or you’re going to have to ask MIL to take her out. To me it’s blindingly obvious that kids who have been kept in all day will go a bit wild by late afternoon. If MIL is expecting her to sit quietly all day then this really is poor quality childcare.

I think what matters is how the child is brought up the majority of the time

"Validate her feelings" 😅

She's 21 months old, not 21 years! Pay for childcare if you don't appreciate what your family are willing to do for free.

In a roundabout way, It’s this kind of stuff that people were so sick of that they voted for Trump.

Fuck me I’ve heard it all now.

It's free child care. If you don't like it, don't use it - find someone you can pay, have a contract with, and who will then have to obey your silly rules.

Also this But basically I'm worried DDs being invalidated and it'll impact her mental health in the future.🙄

Dear god, I've heard it all now. When did "stop being silly" invalidate someone's feelings - whatever the fuck that means. If your daughter has mental health issues whe she's older, it won't be because her loving grandmother said that to her. If anyone needs to stop being silly, it's you.

If you don't want your mil to deal with your daughter, pay for childcare. You are being ridiculous

@AliceAbsolum are you for real???

You could always pay for your childcare if you don’t like it. Sounds like you’re the one being silly.

Now maybe I'm being a batshit pfb. Highly likely.
But basically I'm worried DDs being invalidated and it'll impact her mental health in the future.

You are, indeed, being a batshit pfb. Your child's future mental health will not be impact by an adult telling her 'stop being silly' when she's less than two years old. Get a grip.

Your 'very high gentle parenting standards' are not going to be upheld by the people who care for your child at nursery / preschool / school as she gets older, either, so both you and your daughter need to get used to the fact that not everyone will 'validate' her every whim all the time because, you know, the other people around her also have needs and feelings and eventually she'll need to understand that hers are not necessarily more important than theirs.

I think you are being OTT, and as someone with absolutely no village, you don’t seem to realise how lucky you are that your DD can be looked after by loving family. If these are the biggest concerns you have, I’d say MIL is doing a good job.

you will have a reality check if/ when the go to nursery and become one of many, or school. They do have to fall in line.

OP it sounds like your MIL deals with your DD in a slightly different way to you.

She is not parenting your child (gentle or otherwise), as only you and your DH can do that. Your DD will at the age of 4 spend 5 days a week with a teacher who will also deal with her in their own way (and probably not with as much love as your MIL)

Part of being resilient is learning that not everyone reacts to you in the same way. Your DD will learn that and it’s a foos
thing.

Your DD is being gentle parented, regardless of the fact that she has other interactions. The time she is with MIL won’t undo what you are doing, it merely teaches her that not everyone acts exactly the same as mummy and daddy.

I think if that’s the way you parent your children, fine, I parent similar but you can’t expect your parents or PIL to completely change the way they are because it won’t happen. My dad has a habit of constantly saying good girl to my 3yo when she’s literally doing nothing and will say don’t cry because he doesn’t want to see her upset. I just smile and nod.

I have read all the books but I still tell my kids to pack it in sometimes and to stop crying for no reason, it just slips out!

The main influence is you and her Dad, no one else and she’s going to meet lots of different in life who treat her different to you and ‘parent’ different