"stop being silly"

This is an excellent point. I had a manager who was big on the reflective responses. "The case load is becoming unmanageable" "I can see that's a concern for you" "These new hours don't work for the clients and they're complaining" "I hear that you find that frustrating" It was beyond irritating, as not only was it obvious he was parotting his phrases, it felt like one huge waste of time when all we wanted was can it be changed? Yes or No. I can't imagine it would be long before a perceptive child saw through Mummy's technique and knew these phrases were coming, rendering them trite and rather meaningless. I'm all for empathy and think its a powerful tool, but dragging it out for every tiny job is like taking a sledgehammer to a nut, and ends up sounding inauthentic and predictable. Also ironically a barrier to the listening you're supposed to be doing as the focus lies on making the 'right' response rather than genuinely hearing and responding to your child.

But do you understand Melissa’s feelings? Why are they understandable if Johnny did nothing wrong?

The validating response would be I understand your feelings but Jonny's feelings about not being hit trump that.

Gentle parenting is just one variant of regular decent parenting really.

The validating response would be I understand your feelings but Jonny's feelings about not being hit trump that.

Gentle parenting is just one variant of regular decent parenting really.

This is a very good question and I'd be interested in the answer. Say for example Melissa is hitting Johnny with a stick. Melissa's mum explains about kind hands and takes the stick away. Melissa gets very upset because it was really fun to hit Johnny with the stick. What is the validating response then? "I understand youre upset because you were enjoying hitting Johnny, and I had to stop you; and that's OK that you feel that way..."?

I do think the risk of excessive validation is that what kids hear is

"Mummy understands why I'm upset...so why won't she give me what I want?"

Rather than

"Mummy says no. I understand that, even if I don't like it."

This is a very good question and I'd be interested in the answer. Say for example Melissa is hitting Johnny with a stick. Melissa's mum explains about kind hands and takes the stick away. Melissa gets very upset because it was really fun to hit Johnny with the stick. What is the validating response then? "I understand youre upset because you were enjoying hitting Johnny, and I had to stop you; and that's OK that you feel that way..."?

OK maybe. But it would matter in a few years time, so I'm glad I'm getting into good habits.

This is very true. You can drive yourself mad trying to get it perfectly right. Which is silly because I know it's good to have ruptures and repair them.

DD and I were playing earlier and when I said it was time for bed age started crying. I cuddled her and said something like "it's hard to stop playing isn't it but we need to go to bed". I can't imagine saying.
"don't be silly it's only bed, don't cry". Just seems mean and not meeting them where they are.

But what if when she’s 4 she’s crying because she’s snatched a toy off another child and has to give it back?

Or she’s pulled the cat’s tail and you’ve told her off?

Im not suggesting btw that these are things your child will do…

But are all feelings valid? Like is bitterness valid? Is intolerance or the feeling of snobbish superiority?

Surely people shouldn’t grow up thinking all their feelings are relevant or right. Some feelings are just ‘silly’ no? Or even worse…

This is very true. You can drive yourself mad trying to get it perfectly right. Which is silly because I know it's good to have ruptures and repair them.

DD and I were playing earlier and when I said it was time for bed age started crying. I cuddled her and said something like "it's hard to stop playing isn't it but we need to go to bed". I can't imagine saying.
"don't be silly it's only bed, don't cry". Just seems mean and not meeting them where they are.

OK maybe. But it would matter in a few years time, so I'm glad I'm getting into good habits.

This is very true. You can drive yourself mad trying to get it perfectly right. Which is silly because I know it's good to have ruptures and repair them.

DD and I were playing earlier and when I said it was time for bed age started crying. I cuddled her and said something like "it's hard to stop playing isn't it but we need to go to bed". I can't imagine saying.
"don't be silly it's only bed, don't cry". Just seems mean and not meeting them where they are.

Honestly sometimes we need someone to tell us to bloody stop it. I actually think it’s good for your DD to know that people have different levels of tolerance for whatever behaviour she’s displaying. The world will not always validate her feelings and it’s important she knows that.

There seems to be an epidemic of fragility in young people these days and I would focus on resilience if I were you. I validate my DD’s feelings, “I know it’s shit and boring but it needs to be done so stop whinging and get on with it”.

Having said that I would never voluntarily spend a day at home with a 2yr old because mine would have been climbing the walls and your MIL should probably be taking her to the park to run it off for her own sake.

My mum would always say don't cry. She said it with love. One of the last things she said to me as she died was 'don't cry darling'. I can hear her now. There's a lot of prescriptive guidance out there these days, do's and don'ts with hyperbolic warnings of dire consequences of the wrong word or phrase. In the context of a loving relationship, its largely nonsense. People need freedom to express their love, care and guidance of children in a way that is genuine. Straight jacketing them into parroting phrases from a text book in the name of validation is a barrier to genuine human relationships.

So the OP's gentle parenting was a reason why people voted for an adjudicated sex offender who said he would date his own daughter?

Im a grandparent. My gentle daughter spends about half an hour gently discussing why they need to leave the house with 2 yr old GS whenever they go anywhere and validating any objections he raises based on his own preference to stay in and watch dinosaur programs. I'm baffled by this, but I respect this is how the younger generation parent. And GS also gets that when he leaves the house with me, I just tell him where we're going and that we must get our shoes on and go. Kids are inherently good at learning different people and different situations have different rules.

You're lucky to have a MIL who is able and willing to look after your child, even if she's not confident to go out much herself, extra nice of her to expend the energy that childcare requires, and hopefully they have their own lovely bond as a result, it'll just be different to yours.

I’m increasingly beginning to think the kids who have just been brought up normally with no particular parenting ethos are going to win. I actually tried to gentle parent myself and have read a bunch of parenting books (had a shit childhood, don’t know what I’m doing and I need something to rein in my draconian instincts). But settled for something that looks like authoritative parenting instead (badly done no doubt).