Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH - I'll do it later

60 replies

antonssuitjacket · 20/11/2024 13:23

DH pulls his weight but often says "Leave the dishwasher, I'll do it later." But it's already been full of clean stuff for hours so I can't get near the worktop cos of all the new dirty stuff to go in.

I do housework in the day and all the meal planning/shopping/cooking as I work PT and him FT. He does the kitchen after tea but thinks this is loading the dishwasher and the job is complete.

Running late for school this morning (this makes DS upset) because DH was too tired last night ('let's do it later') and I had to cook/clean up around it this morning. I'm sure I do things that annoy him but his reply was 'Oh so the stressful morning was all my fault? Why don't you do the washing up when back from the school run? 😤

Wish I could say I'll do it later when it comes to cooking!

OP posts:
Brefugee · 20/11/2024 14:12

I'd say something like "no, fo it now I can't cook otherwise" then hand him the phone to order takeaway if it's not done by the time you need it to be done.

Be assertive and specific

unsync · 20/11/2024 14:09

You are not alone. Your husband needs to up his game.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

caffelattetogo · 20/11/2024 14:06

Why would the dishwasher not being loaded make your child late for school?

Octavia64 · 20/11/2024 13:59

In this situation I tried to make sure the chores assigned to ExH were ones where when he didn't do them it only
Impacted him.

So he did his laundry. He cleaned our en-suite (and I used the family bathroom if it was too dirty for me).

Or go down the must be done by 9pm route.

FictionalCharacter · 20/11/2024 13:57

The first thing you said in your OP was that he pulls his weight. But he doesn’t, at all. He says he’ll do it, then doesn’t, so you have to.

catlesslady · 20/11/2024 13:55

It seems pretty clear that in this scenario 'I'll do it later' actually meant 'You can do it tomorrow'. Presumably either the DH had agreed that he would do it, or you OP was about to empty it in the evening but her DH wanted her to do something else and/or felt guilty if she was doing it whilst he was sitting doing nothing. What he actually meant was 'don't empty the dishwasher whilst I'm around because I might feel I should help, please do it when I have left the house tomorrow'.

NImumconfused · 20/11/2024 13:51

antonssuitjacket · 20/11/2024 13:45

I try to load the dishwasher as I cook as well but as I'm the only one who cooks (he's working), that would mean me doing it all.

It was the 'just do it when you're back from school run' comment that annoyed me.

OP, I'm afraid this is the trap you fall into when you're part time - your employer tends to think you can do a full time job in part time hours, and your partner thinks because you're part time and they're not that you should do pretty much everything at home. You have to push back hard.

Maybe look at how much down time each of you currently has and see if you can agree a better split of essential jobs? Then hold him to that.

Original poster
antonssuitjacket · 20/11/2024 13:45

I try to load the dishwasher as I cook as well but as I'm the only one who cooks (he's working), that would mean me doing it all.

It was the 'just do it when you're back from school run' comment that annoyed me.

OP posts:
GiveItAGoMalcom · 20/11/2024 13:43

Surely it's better for you both to just wash up as you go along, rather than having your worktops full of dirty stuff?

This would drive me mad and I'd be having serious words with him.

SeaToSki · 20/11/2024 13:41

Next time he says he will do it later, say fine, but you would like an agreement about the time by which it will be done as later is too open to interpretation. You want a clear agreement as you are fed up with having arguments because things arent clear between the two of you over the washing up being done.

i think its known as a SMART goal or agreement. Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Timebound

So washing up by 9pm, includes dishwasher being emptied, filled and turned on, with anything that doesnt fit in the dishwasher hand washed, dried and put away. The sink rinsed and the counters around the sink and dishwasher wiped.

If he agrees and doesnt do it, then you have a discussion about why he didnt live up to his agreement

It would drive me mad too, but properly laid out agreements can help to stop frustration due to slacking or distracted DHes