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Original poster

DH - I'll do it later

60 replies

antonssuitjacket · 20/11/2024 13:23

DH pulls his weight but often says "Leave the dishwasher, I'll do it later." But it's already been full of clean stuff for hours so I can't get near the worktop cos of all the new dirty stuff to go in.

I do housework in the day and all the meal planning/shopping/cooking as I work PT and him FT. He does the kitchen after tea but thinks this is loading the dishwasher and the job is complete.

Running late for school this morning (this makes DS upset) because DH was too tired last night ('let's do it later') and I had to cook/clean up around it this morning. I'm sure I do things that annoy him but his reply was 'Oh so the stressful morning was all my fault? Why don't you do the washing up when back from the school run? 😤

Wish I could say I'll do it later when it comes to cooking!

OP posts:
Original poster
antonssuitjacket · 21/11/2024 03:53

I’ve mucked up. I snapped at him when he’s already got a lot on his mind.

I’ve apologised. I don’t know what else to do. When your
partner is stressed, it surely makes you feel it as well?

OP posts:
Ladyj84 · 21/11/2024 03:29

I think very differently to a lot of the comments. Similar situation 4 kids, p,t work not from home and last year hubby who works f.t mum got cancer and he became her main carer in between doing work and all the usual family stuff with the kids. Even tho it was hard I took on some of his usual jobs dishwasher, cleaning bathrooms because I could see not only was he shattered traveling to work or spending nights with his mum until she passed he was emotionally exhausted and literally just plodding on. When there's different problems going on at once a dishwasher is not a huge thing to load or un load yourself. A good marriage recognises when the other is actually struggling along and picks up for a while

WhingeInTheWillows · 21/11/2024 03:12

He doesn’t need to make excuses for not doing his fair share as you seem to be making more than enough for him.

Original poster
antonssuitjacket · 21/11/2024 02:59

He’s had a lot going on recently with friends and family plus a busy job and responsibilities.

When he is stressed, I will of course feel the pressure and that’s why I snapped at him about the kitchen. I feel bad now and can’t sleep.

OP posts:
notatinydancer · 20/11/2024 22:31

antonssuitjacket · 20/11/2024 21:58

He is brilliant. He’s very caring and does a lot for everyone. He is a very hands on Dad.

I think a lot falls to him (ill relative and supporting an ill friend).

I snapped at him this morning about the bloody washing up and now I feel bad as he’s taken himself off to bed feeling shattered and said he was tense all day.

I think he needs a day of lounging about so he’s having a weekend off from it all.

Has your husband hacked your MN ?? What ?
When do you get your time off to lounge around?

Codlingmoths · 20/11/2024 22:07

My mum used to have a note she put out every night. ‘A clean kitchen has
bare, wiped benches and table,
a swept floor,
a cleared draining board,
a dishwasher running,
wiped SPARKLING clean sink
teatowels neatly hung up.
good night!’

id do that 📝 , and sweetly tell my dh I’ve realised he thinks emptying the dishwasher is cleaning the kitchen, so to make sure we don’t have resentment building up I’ve listed what makes a clean kitchen, and when you’ve done it all you can get credit for cleaning the kitchen, and when you’ve not unloaded the dishwasher till the morning you can understand it’s blocking the whole process and yes I am resentful ‘Mr it’s not a problem because you can just fit it into your day. I fit a lot for our family into my day and a little appreciation would be nice, instead of dismissing my efforts completely by treating my day as empty and available. The notice is going on the fridge.’

Original poster
antonssuitjacket · 20/11/2024 21:58

He is brilliant. He’s very caring and does a lot for everyone. He is a very hands on Dad.

I think a lot falls to him (ill relative and supporting an ill friend).

I snapped at him this morning about the bloody washing up and now I feel bad as he’s taken himself off to bed feeling shattered and said he was tense all day.

I think he needs a day of lounging about so he’s having a weekend off from it all.

OP posts:
Hateam · 20/11/2024 21:52

SeaToSki · 20/11/2024 13:41

Next time he says he will do it later, say fine, but you would like an agreement about the time by which it will be done as later is too open to interpretation. You want a clear agreement as you are fed up with having arguments because things arent clear between the two of you over the washing up being done.

i think its known as a SMART goal or agreement. Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Timebound

So washing up by 9pm, includes dishwasher being emptied, filled and turned on, with anything that doesnt fit in the dishwasher hand washed, dried and put away. The sink rinsed and the counters around the sink and dishwasher wiped.

If he agrees and doesnt do it, then you have a discussion about why he didnt live up to his agreement

It would drive me mad too, but properly laid out agreements can help to stop frustration due to slacking or distracted DHes

I'd rather live with him than you.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 20/11/2024 21:50

Occasionally doing it later is one thing, and often not doing it is another. I'd have another discussion. I like the idea of looking at free time available, in terms of things you need to get done.

stargazerlil · 20/11/2024 21:18

antonssuitjacket · 20/11/2024 16:28

He says nothing if I’ve gone and done it myself. He has commitments with helping friends and looking after a family member several times a week which I guess is the reason he is tired in the evenings?

Helping friends, is that an excuse to be out of the house so he just comes home for his meals and to do the minimum?

Original poster
antonssuitjacket · 20/11/2024 21:04

It’s not that as he looks after us really well but he over-commits then looks shattered.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 20/11/2024 20:26

antonssuitjacket · 20/11/2024 16:28

He says nothing if I’ve gone and done it myself. He has commitments with helping friends and looking after a family member several times a week which I guess is the reason he is tired in the evenings?

you and your DC come too low in his prorities. Give him a shake, OP, fgs, and stop all this nonsense.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 20/11/2024 17:17

finances/bills, bins, hangs some washing out, dishwasher when he's not too tired.

So he doesn't pull his weight then. Finances and bills need a quick look once a month at most - many of them just once a year. Bins are 5 mins a week. Hanging out some of the washing and (not) doing the dishwasher don't make those trivialities up to a fair share.

Starseeking · 20/11/2024 17:15

catlesslady · 20/11/2024 13:55

It seems pretty clear that in this scenario 'I'll do it later' actually meant 'You can do it tomorrow'. Presumably either the DH had agreed that he would do it, or you OP was about to empty it in the evening but her DH wanted her to do something else and/or felt guilty if she was doing it whilst he was sitting doing nothing. What he actually meant was 'don't empty the dishwasher whilst I'm around because I might feel I should help, please do it when I have left the house tomorrow'.

All of this lol

Starseeking · 20/11/2024 17:14

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 20/11/2024 14:59

What does he say if you do it yourself on the grounds you can't wait until 'later'?

My XH used to say this. 'I'll do the dishes later, I'll tidy up later, I'll put my stuff away later.' And I'd eventually have to do it because after several days stuff HAD to be done. And I'd then get 'oh, I was just about to do it...'

He was not about to do it. He said he'd do it and then never thought about it again. This was his entire contribution to housework. If this is your DH's approach to housework, I cannot recommend continuing being married.

Same with me and my Ex...think there's a pattern here.

After many arguments I once left my Ex's "I'll do it later dishes" for him to actually do later, and they piled up over 3 days at which point I took a picture and sent it to him asking when later was. His response? "Why did you let it get to this point, why haven't you done it".

Ex for many many reasons, this included. Funny enough he's able to keep his now bachelor flat spotless, whereas when we were together even washing up his own plate was a problem.

FictionalCharacter · 20/11/2024 16:53

antonssuitjacket · 20/11/2024 16:28

He says nothing if I’ve gone and done it myself. He has commitments with helping friends and looking after a family member several times a week which I guess is the reason he is tired in the evenings?

So you’re his lowest priority, below his friends and family member.

YellowRoom · 20/11/2024 16:35

He's too tired to empty the dishwasher in his own home because he helps his friends?? He works full-time and you work part-time and do everything else. This is not fair on you.

username358 · 20/11/2024 16:34

Do you obey his every command? Do the dishwasher yourself and he can do another chore.

Original poster
antonssuitjacket · 20/11/2024 16:28

He says nothing if I’ve gone and done it myself. He has commitments with helping friends and looking after a family member several times a week which I guess is the reason he is tired in the evenings?

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 20/11/2024 14:59

What does he say if you do it yourself on the grounds you can't wait until 'later'?

My XH used to say this. 'I'll do the dishes later, I'll tidy up later, I'll put my stuff away later.' And I'd eventually have to do it because after several days stuff HAD to be done. And I'd then get 'oh, I was just about to do it...'

He was not about to do it. He said he'd do it and then never thought about it again. This was his entire contribution to housework. If this is your DH's approach to housework, I cannot recommend continuing being married.

Brefugee · 20/11/2024 14:57

You keep telling yourself that, OP.

Too knackered to empty a dishwasher? Break rocks in a quarry by hand does he? 😂

Original poster
antonssuitjacket · 20/11/2024 14:40

I work 11-2 and he works 9-5 (both at home). As I have more time, I do all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, school runs and after school routine til 5.

He is the main earner and does the finances/bills, bins, hangs some washing out, dishwasher when he's not too tired. He used to do the packed lunches but didn't always have time before work as he sometimes starts early so I do that now.

It's works out fair and we help each other out when we need to. It's just the Do It Later bit lol.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 20/11/2024 14:32

Given what you wrote

It would help if I did the packed lunches the night before/got up earlier to do stuff.

This part is key. Make DH do it

Original poster
antonssuitjacket · 20/11/2024 14:30

caffelattetogo
I was cooking DS's breakfast, then I had to do their packed lunches, make sure they are ready, pack the car, take my medicine, eat my own breakfast before I drive them to school etc. I didn't have time to be doing the washing up etc that he left from last night so that I could use the utensils to cook the breakfast.

It would help if I did the packed lunches the night before/got up earlier to do stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
antonssuitjacket · 20/11/2024 14:16

DS is a fussy eater and I needed things that weren't washed up yet.

OP posts: