DH - I'll do it later

again: you and your DH need to have a grown up conversation. He needs to learn to a) set boundaries and b) actually do his part at home.

you clearly love him, and you think he's fabulous, but he really isn't. And sounds as though he's heading for a heart attack if he doesn't do something.

Ever notice how "pink jobs" (ugh!) are relentless, every day, never ending, while "blue jobs" (ugh!) are once a week, once a month, once a quarter, once a year?

Taking your reasonable point as “you make everything my fault” is a way of him avoiding any responsibility for the situation- it immediately makes you the unreasonable one and absolves him of addressing any part of what you say. If it’s just occasional at times of stress- fine. If it’s a pattern that always happens, that’s not fine, and in fact it edges into abusive behaviour.

If everything else is good then maybe some relationship counselling would help, or maybe there are specific courses about conflict resolution.

@MulberryMush hilarious! 🤣

Next time he wants sex - you say we will do it later 😂

I think every relationship has one person who thinks it’s fine to leave until later, and one who wants it done at the time, and they marry each other. 😂

i still think you need the conversation about not spreading yourselves too thin, and doing things that need doing without someone having to remind you (that is the famous mental load)

And yippee. He stepped up today. Tomorrow? the next day?

He said why didn’t you just ask me to do it there and then?
I didn’t because he’s busy eating and getting ready for work himself and was getting in the shower.

sorry, OP. By not getting lunches etc ready in the evening you (both) make a rod for your own backs (he can help you do that...)

How come he gets to eat and get ready and you run around like a blue arsed fly? His stress affects you, so let your stress affect him too.

You need a grown-up conversation with him about how you can both mitigate your stresses. And a good start would be to do things in the evening. Morning you will thank evening you for that.

So. some things that will help you: double the number of plates, bowls, cutlery etc that you have. That mitigates the dishwasher problem somewhat.
Have a large plastic box in the kitchen to put the "pending" dirty dishes in when the washer is full. Each of you is responsible for making sure the dishwasher is either running or being emptied or being filled with the next lot. Nobody needs reminding, you both have grown-up jobs and children. This is being an adult.

You put out clothes for the next day during part of the night time routine.
You make the packed lunches and get the breakfast things ready as part of the post night-time for DCs routine. (or one does DCs one does breakast/lunch)

Nobody lounges around having a lovely morning routine while the other is doing All The Things. this doesn't need asking for - this is stepping in and parenting.

The DCs need to learn to put their things in the dishwasher etc.

you either put up with it and moan here a lot, or you tell him to learn to say no sometimes. And to prioitise you and your DCs.

he does sound kind, but useless at boundary setting.

"looks shattered" - so do i after a day of desk jockeying, so does my DH after a day of cheffing, but we both do laundry, un/load the diswasher etc etc.

Do say that. If my partner does this (he does on occasion) I say I cannot cook in a dirty kitchen.

Just leave it then and let him do it later

tbh if I was him it would piss me of that you could load the dishwasher when you were cooking (I tidy as I go along ) he was working so it wasn’t as though he is just sat doing nothing watching you
but you leave it for him after he’s finished working out of pettiness

OP is either the husband or a complete and utter doormat. It's coming across as pathetic in either case.

You just want you both to communicate better so that your can support him.

I don't get the impression that he wants you both to communicate better. That would involve him taking ownership of when he gets things wrong.

I don't get the impression that he wants to understand how to better support you.

Your relationship seems like a one way street. What is your husband doing to support you?

You need to have an open conversation with him try to come up with a compromise. You have needs too and he agreed to be a father and that comes with responsibilities.

If you find yourself having the same arguments then something is wrong.

Well he did leave the kitchen messy knowing you'd clean it up. He didn't help at all with the morning routine, just sat looking after himself and he could have just jumped in rather than needing explicit instructions.

Sustainability of clean dishes?
Change the chore mix until it works.

For example: You do the cooking and the washing up completely on Sun - Thurs, he does the cooking and washing up on Friday and Saturday. In exchange he does all of his washing, the bathroom towells and and the Saturday sport washing.

Is there a simple, physical reason why the dish washer not being emptied has such an impact? Do you need more bowls or butter plates?
As the kids get older they can be helping out with regular daily chores; remember to factor that in and start to include them.
The child who is extra fussy could learn how to dry their own plate, for example.

What did you apologise for?