BiL explicit texts - WWYD

OP, I'm sorry to hear that. Not entirely surprised though. How is your DH responding? I hope he 100% has your back.

A few points, just in case you need a reminder that you've done NOTHING wrong.

1 A safe space cannot just be "assumed" outside of certain environments - medical, school etc. I am not a "safe space" for any random person, and neither are you.

2 If he texted his wife's sister and bf, it's unlikely this is the first or only time he's done this. Far more likely that he's escalating - so perhaps he started with text messages to other women he's less "close" to. Sorry to be alarmist but if you have daughters, as they get older, be very very careful.

3 YOu did nothing wrong in telling your DH this. You and your DH are a team and if you are uncomfortable or unhappy with something, you are 100% in the right, ALWAYS to tell him. x1000 in a sitution like this where you never once agreed to this interaction.

You need to read the whole thread (or at least the OP's posts)

I don't think it's him. It's probably someone using his phone. Maybe a friend of his? The fact that he didn't want to speak on a call means he didn't want u to know it isn't ur Bil's voice. Call ur brother inlaw and confirm.

His subsequent behaviour would cement the end of any relationship or contact for me, I wouldn't even want to hear about him via DH.

Vile.

Block him. I'd be livid with my DH for minimising his off key behaviour.

Having read all of your updates, I am absolutely convinced he is getting off on exposing himself to women specifically. Probably something like a humiliation kink feeding into his homoerotic fantasies. If I were you, OP, I would block this man and never speak to him again. I don't believe he was confiding in you at all. He sent you graphic sexual content without consent and had zero regard for how willing you were to have that conversation at all. He has no concept of boundaries and his decision to deflect and blame you should tell you all you need to know about who he is.

Well that settles that it's not just the result of drugs or a mental health crisis, he really is a nasty piece of shit. Sounding out women in his circle to see who he thought he could get away with talking porn at. Blaming you for not just sitting there and taking it. Trying to lie his way out of it at your expense.

What was supposed to happen, you just go round family gatherings and you and he have this little gay porn secret between yourselves? 🤢

Why? What's the objective?

It's not OP's problem. (Well it is, but my point is that she shouldn't own the problem & make it any more of her problem than it was).

It IS a problem for the BiL's brother & wife and I am sure that she wants to help them. If they want it reported to the police then she should, but I don't see that she should do it off her own bat or involve herself in this clusterfuck any more than she has to.

He is a pervert for sharing pornographic unsolicited photos to his sister in law FFS .

Nope he sent sexually explicit messages which should be reported to the police.

Keep it secret? No way this man is deciding his wife and his risk taking sexual encounters could infect his wife with an std !

He’s a very disturbed and dangerous man. He is trying to isolate and manipulate his wife , no doubt he has told her that you were all sympathetic to him and angry at her for “ kink shaming “ / not indulging his fetish etc .

Id take what he says about their “ unbreakable bond “ with a pinch of salt, she probably planning to leave him .

I'm sorry for all 3 innocent women who’ve been dragged into this too. I hope for your sake @Calmondeck that your partner stands up for you, if he doesn’t you need to think long and hard if you want to stay with him. This is major red flag territory.

Crikey, you must be reeling especially as your DP is away. It’s a lot to handle alone with a LO. Has your BiL ever displayed any mental health problems? It sounds like he could be having a manic episode.

Definitely keep the messages and show partner.

His behaviour is entirely predictable of a certain type of personality. Any accusation from them is actually an admission. They are very harmful people and very, very predictable in their boundary pushing behaviour. Time to step right back. You will get an opportunity to see what your DH is made of here too, everything crossed he behaves well.

I hope so! But for now, concentrate on yourself. When you've had some time, maybe discreetly let his wife know you're there for help if she needs it. She may be v controlled, he sounds like a kink-obsessed narcissist. Poor other women who got the stuff, too. Maybe they reported him?
Part of me thinks you should report him, but I totally get if you don't want to. This is an unbelievable situation- I hope your DH can support when he comes home, must be a horrible shock for him as well.

It sounds really like he's on full-on self destruct mode, as pp pointed out upthread. I wouldn't be surprised if drugs/alcohol fuelled, or even on the verge of some kind of psychotic breakdown. If not, he is just an utterly unhinged narcissist, and the more I think about it, I'm becoming more concerned for the wife and young children. I do hope your dp can not only have a frank conversation with him, but also reach out to his wife and offer a safe space for her and the children if needed.

Deceptive?? You never agreed to anything, he didn't give you chance to and you wouldn't have had to consent to it even if he did. Disengage with him entirely. His fantasy that you're the bad guy threatening their incredible bond is so patently BS that it'd be laughable if he wasn't so toxic. Leave him to his bond and let it play out. Anyone with half a brain can tell this is not on you, and if they can't, they are part of the problem.

More fool his wife, to be honest.

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck........

Ugh, he's disgusting.

How do you know he contacted his wife's sister and best friend?

He's trying to isolate her from her friendship group, isn't he, by contacting those who are closest to her.

I think his wife deserves to know what's going on and it should come from a united front - you, her sister and her best friend together, with your husband there, too.

I'm surprised this is him being gay, tbh; I assumed at first it was going to be that he was cross dressing.

Grim.

Share with your DP etc

Are the other two women not reporting him either then?

Has this married man sent illegal unsolicited pornographic images to three women and got away with it?

Forget about him, his wife, his wife’s best friend, his wife’s sister and your husband for a moment. Just call the police for some advice re the crime that has been committed towards you and see what they say.

I would block him

Calmon, I'm really sorry that happened. He is unspeakably awful. Hopefully your SIL will break free, but that's not your worry. You must focus on yourself after this horrible experience. NC w this bastard going forward.