BiL explicit texts - WWYD

His wife will be in shock.

Did the other two women speak to her too? How did you find that out? If you hadn’t told her she may have wondered why her loved ones are lying. I couldn’t lie for a cheat.

If you care for her and want to support her there are books you can read that may help you understand what she is going through. Not just friends and how to help your spouse heal from your affair. Also Cheating in a Nutshell by Mitchell. They don’t specifically cover your situation but it may help you understand why she seems to be believing him or staying etc.

Horrid man and boringly predictable to pin the blame on you. However if the other women had said it and you didn’t tell her then you wouldn’t be in a great position. You did the right thing.

eta oops sorry! Behind the eight ball …

I would certainly tell him you are not his safe space and block him.
Your partner can probably deal with his brother when you tell him. Perhaps not tell the wife, your sister?

I experienced this kind of conversation years ago when I was a crisis call counsellor ( I was much younger and much more naive)

The caller built up an idea that somehow I was different and they felt safe to talk to me before going way over the line into sexual talk but weaving enough other stuff that I felt I should still listen. Looking back I can see they were just using me as a way to get off.

It is still a bit gobsmacking that BIL chose you and other women close to him / his wife and expected you to actually keep it confidential. I suspect his wife isn't aware and he's just saying that do no-one approaches her.

What a revolting entitled man. I'm sorry he exposed you to all that and that he's now blaming you for his own actions. You are not to blame for any of it and I imagine you were in a state of shock struggling to process it. What he did was a form of sexual assault.

How dare he!

What about your safe space? He's totally violated that

His poor wife

Oh sure, the problem is that you've broken a safe space for him? Disregarding the fact that YOU never agreed that you would be willing to offer him a safe space and DID NOT CONSENT to being assaulted by graphic descriptions of gay sex and photographs.

He sounds like a narcissist. "I'm going to tell you something that could blow up my entire family and I'm also going to demand that you pay attention for HOURS and keep this a secret from my brother/your husband." I don't see where YOU agreed to any of this, so he can go jump in the lake. The problem is not you.

You need to find your anger. He sent you unsolicited porn- this is an offense. Your DH needs to tell him how wrong this is. I hope one of you reports him to the police before he sends pics to more women.
Also, work on your boundaries / people pleasing- how did you not shut this down after the picture?

I see suggestions of reporting this to the police.

The BIL is already using the kind of progressive language that you hear a lot online these days by many fetishists trying to make themselves appear a member of some victim class or other. What is to say he won't double down and report OP for hate speech etc. leaving her with a non crime hate incident on her file. It might sound OTT but stranger things have been happening of late and I wouldn't put it past him as he's already signified his intent intent to play the victim here.

Mumsnet should state clearly in their weekly email that before replying on these threads MNers should read all the OPs' posts...

What a grim and disturbing experience for you OP. I hope you are OK. I’m sure it’s not coincidental that your DH is away. He will 💯 % know the reaction he is causing.
What incredibly great and consistent advice you are getting from the majority of PP. This is not OK. Mumsnet at its absolute best. I would refuse to see or speak to him ever again. He is already twisting what happened to put the blame on you. You should be v angry about this. I would not be keeping this secret for him.

He can't just declare him messaging you a "safe space" start sending you porn then get cross when you tell someone. He sounds actually quite dangerous.

I would report to the Police OP.

When you go on a thread, click on "see all" on the opening post. Then you see every post made by the OP.

Your BIL a nasty pervert, getting off on exposing his fetish to unsuspecting women.

Your DH is a strange one too. My normally very calm DH would flip his lid if his brother did this. He certainly wouldn't be carrying on playing happy families with him.

It’s only just come up in my email so I didn’t see it.

Someone may have hacked his account to find personal information. I got similar messages from my niece's fiancee and it turned out to be a total hack. They were both mortified, as he had send naked photos to all of their contacts.

I would reluctantly want to see him face-to-face to get confirmation that it was him, and establish he hadn’t been hacked! Too bizarre. Why would he think he can trust you with such a thing? Maybe if it really was him he wants to be outed!

He's no different from a flasher, exposing himself to random women in order to upset them and get a buzz for himself. It is rightly illegal. OP, I admire your calmness in dealing with this. He has committed a crime against you and two other women, and you have every right to report it to police.

At first I thought, if you don't want to involve police at present, let him know that if he tries it again you will report it. But now I'm thinking of his children. They are living with an (unconvicted) sex offender whose behaviour is unpredictable. Do you think social services ought to be contacted? I know it's not your responsibility, but if his wife doesn't take action, those children could be at risk.

Has he a history of mental health problems? Has he wo your trust through something you have helped him with in the past? Was he pissed?
I thought you were going to say he was inappropriate, in that he was being suggestive about you and he. The subject he has decided to share with you seems something you wouldn't dare share with SIL. Before you tell others and risk his life being torn, find out if he has been acting oddly, or there have been signs of being mentally unstable. He might be unwell, if not then give him both barrels.

Wow what a creep. Sorry to read this. I'd keep your distance from now on. His poor wife...

I'm a bit baffled by your DHs reaction. His brother sent you incredibly inappropriate messages, forced his "safe space" into your inbox and now has vilified you for reacting normally and they're still swapping messages?

I feel sorry for your SIL, it absolutely sounds like your BIL wants to isolate her as well as getting off on making other women uncomfortable but I can't imagine a scenario where you don't cut contact, at least to the utter bare minimum with him?

This guy needs to start therapy asap… potentially whilst he’s in police custody… dangerous and possibly insane.

I'd try to speak to him first, so out of blue as you say, it seems that someone may have hacked or taken his phone , if it's intentional then I would tell your partner,