BiL explicit texts - WWYD

I’m not talking about him. Did you look at the post I am replying to?

This. 100% this

Sometimes I struggle to undertand how grown adults ( on this thread , not the OP ) can be so gullible!

He didn’t message “ people “, he messaged women.

He didn’t choose three of his own female friends , his mother, his auntie, his female colleagues - he chose 3 of his WIFE’S closest friends / relatives.

He didn’t choose 3 of his own gay or lesbian friends , he chose 3 straight women.

He wasnt hacked - he sent a message first asking if they could chat.

He didn’t want to speak on the phone, he specifically wanted to send messages and images of porn.

He didn’t message asking where he could go for counselling / support for his issues about his sexuality, he sent porn.

He wasn’t drunk - he messages the next day trying to rebrand his offending as “having a safe space “. He misused this concept of safety to try to coerce and manipulate these women into silence and to pretend that it www mutual and that they had consented.

If they had been foolish enough to keep it secret, he would no doubt have used this against his wife or the other women or their partners at a later date. He might even have used it to blackmail them .

He didn’t choose images of straight sex with other women, in case that made him a “ bad man “ for wanting to cheat on his wife. He sent messages and images about gay sex because that apparently makes him a poor troubled man who needs sympathy and support.

I actually find these “ poor lamb he needs help “ comments really homophobic. Normal gay men and lesbians don’t send porn to their partners close relatives, really they don’t . If they use porn, they think it’s for consenting adults in private, not for their un consenting sister in law who has her kids with her in the car. They have exactly the same boundaries around these things as heterosexual people.

This man is sexually aroused by transgressing all these women’s boundaries . Not any woman, only those closest to his wife. It’s about power .

This is not a “ gay “ issue, it’s not a “ cry for help “ , it’s a pervert / sexual offender/ controlling abusive man issue.

This isn’t about anyone needing to shame him or blackmail him… you sound worse then him

What on earth?

Sometimes I struggle to undertand how grown adults ( on this thread , not the OP ) can be so gullible!

He didn’t message “ people “, he messaged women.

He didn’t choose three of his own female friends , his mother, his auntie, his female colleagues - he chose 3 of his WIFE’S closest friends / relatives.

He didn’t choose 3 of his own gay or lesbian friends , he chose 3 straight women.

He wasnt hacked - he sent a message first asking if they could chat.

He didn’t want to speak on the phone, he specifically wanted to send messages and images of porn.

He didn’t message asking where he could go for counselling / support for his issues about his sexuality, he sent porn.

He wasn’t drunk - he messages the next day trying to rebrand his offending as “having a safe space “. He misused this concept of safety to try to coerce and manipulate these women into silence and to pretend that it www mutual and that they had consented.

If they had been foolish enough to keep it secret, he would no doubt have used this against his wife or the other women or their partners at a later date. He might even have used it to blackmail them .

He didn’t choose images of straight sex with other women, in case that made him a “ bad man “ for wanting to cheat on his wife. He sent messages and images about gay sex because that apparently makes him a poor troubled man who needs sympathy and support.

I actually find these “ poor lamb he needs help “ comments really homophobic. Normal gay men and lesbians don’t send porn to their partners close relatives, really they don’t . If they use porn, they think it’s for consenting adults in private, not for their un consenting sister in law who has her kids with her in the car. They have exactly the same boundaries around these things as heterosexual people.

This man is sexually aroused by transgressing all these women’s boundaries . Not any woman, only those closest to his wife. It’s about power .

This is not a “ gay “ issue, it’s not a “ cry for help “ , it’s a pervert / sexual offender/ controlling abusive man issue.

Sometimes I struggle to undertand how grown adults ( on this thread , not the OP ) can be so gullible!

He didn’t message “ people “, he messaged women.

He didn’t choose three of his own female friends , his mother, his auntie, his female colleagues - he chose 3 of his WIFE’S closest friends / relatives.

He didn’t choose 3 of his own gay or lesbian friends , he chose 3 straight women.

He wasnt hacked - he sent a message first asking if they could chat.

He didn’t want to speak on the phone, he specifically wanted to send messages and images of porn.

He didn’t message asking where he could go for counselling / support for his issues about his sexuality, he sent porn.

He wasn’t drunk - he messages the next day trying to rebrand his offending as “having a safe space “. He misused this concept of safety to try to coerce and manipulate these women into silence and to pretend that it www mutual and that they had consented.

If they had been foolish enough to keep it secret, he would no doubt have used this against his wife or the other women or their partners at a later date. He might even have used it to blackmail them .

He didn’t choose images of straight sex with other women, in case that made him a “ bad man “ for wanting to cheat on his wife. He sent messages and images about gay sex because that apparently makes him a poor troubled man who needs sympathy and support.

I actually find these “ poor lamb he needs help “ comments really homophobic. Normal gay men and lesbians don’t send porn to their partners close relatives, really they don’t . If they use porn, they think it’s for consenting adults in private, not for their un consenting sister in law who has her kids with her in the car. They have exactly the same boundaries around these things as heterosexual people.

This man is sexually aroused by transgressing all these women’s boundaries . Not any woman, only those closest to his wife. It’s about power .

This is not a “ gay “ issue, it’s not a “ cry for help “ , it’s a pervert / sexual offender/ controlling abusive man issue.

I know you have had so so many replies that you may not see this one, or it may well have been covered.

but reading this & all of your updates, a quite traumatic thing that happened to me came
to mind.

My uncle - for want of a better phrase - trapped me in his car when I was a teenager and told me he must confess that he is “the biggest gay bastard that ever lived”. I stayed quite calm, asked him if this was him
coming out to me, it’s ok if it is but I told him he was scaring me and to take me home.
All he said was ‘I just had to tell you that’.
After dropping me home, he then proceeded to walk round to every neighbours house to knock on the door and tell them the same thing.

He was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and had suffered a complete breakdown. Voices in his head were making him do these things.

As overstepping and disgusting your BIL has been, I really think he may be having some mental problems that he needs help with.
I always believed deep down my uncle developed mental issues from a huge identity crisis not feeling safe enough to be homosexual.

sorry this happened to you!
I also feel sorry for his wife who must been quite embarrassed.

sending you all lots of support xx

I know you have had so so many replies that you may not see this one, or it may well have been covered.

but reading this & all of your updates, a quite traumatic thing that happened to me came
to mind.

My uncle - for want of a better phrase - trapped me in his car when I was a teenager and told me he must confess that he is “the biggest gay bastard that ever lived”. I stayed quite calm, asked him if this was him
coming out to me, it’s ok if it is but I told him he was scaring me and to take me home.
All he said was ‘I just had to tell you that’.
After dropping me home, he then proceeded to walk round to every neighbours house to knock on the door and tell them the same thing.

He was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and had suffered a complete breakdown. Voices in his head were making him do these things.

As overstepping and disgusting your BIL has been, I really think he may be having some mental problems that he needs help with.
I always believed deep down my uncle developed mental issues from a huge identity crisis not feeling safe enough to be homosexual.

sorry this happened to you!
I also feel sorry for his wife who must been quite embarrassed.

sending you all lots of support xx

I second the posters who say you need to talk to him to verify if it really was him.

If so, it was a form of sexual harassment.

You absolutely must not even think of keeping this from your DP. In not too short a time, he will send other things, maybe including you, and he can make out that you and he are up to stuff together. There was NO REASON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD to start this chat with you instead of with another gay man. WTAF? Does he hate BIL and wants to take you from him? Does he have a secret crush on you and this is a way of easing you in, by making it seem harmless bc it's with gay men, for the moment? Or did he just want to sexually harass you? You absolutely must tell your DP. Otherwise, BIL can make out that you're somehow complicit in having sexy conversations with him.

I have to say OP I am impressed by the way you are handling this. Your user name is apt. You are staying calm and controlled in the face of a truly horrible experience. You BIL is so manipulative and really messing with your head. It must make you question so much about him and the relationships within your extended family.
You’ve told the two people who know BIL best -your DH and your SIL. You’ve taken a lot of the power out of BIL’s control. By talking frankly to your SIL about your fears that this is more than just an identity crisis (spoiler alert -it is) and talking about your concerns around manipulation and control, you’ve opened the conversation and your SIL telling BIL your fears is a good thing.
You may be the one person in all of this who can see what is really going on. He knows now you can’t be manipulated. Hence his anger. There is lots of great Mumsnet advice for you on this.
My concern is that this is BIL retrospectively trying to give himself an alibi for something worse. I hope I’m wrong but he is on the porn sites, he will be on the forums, he may very well have acted out his fantasies. Whether it is an STD, the involvement of someone underage, illegal photos, or blackmail, he may have contacted you, his wife’s sister and his wife’s best friend because he knows this is about to explode publicly and he wants to get his defence in first. So it will be poor BIL, he’s so confused, he’s having a crisis etc etc rather than BIL being exposed as a criminal, pervert or worse. Your level-headed approach has made it harder for him to avoid the truth.
I hope you can put this behind you and aren’t too affected by it. His behaviour towards you has been monstrous.

@CherryCake88 I do agree a psychotic episode rather than purely abusive narcissism would warrent more sympathy, if completely out of character and accompanied by a genuine apology when/if well. There doesn't appear to be any hint of that being a concern from the wife and I'm sure she would be the first to raise that if the case.

What on earth?

Let it FLY - forget about it, well put it to the back of UR mind
Save the texts - do NOT delete - put them in a folder SAFE
U have HIM worried now - what will she do ???
Just carry ON regardless

U HAVE the power - U CAN at ANY time bring it up & SHAME him WHEN / IF needed on DEMAND