BiL explicit texts - WWYD

My ex BIL (married to XH sister) told me he was gay and how upset he was at recently splitting up with his boyfriend.

I never told XH or XSIL. I knew from her that they no longer had sex, and I respected the fact he had confided in me, although I was surprised to be his chosen confidante. I didn’t ever know if his wife was fully aware, but they are still together after 25 years of marriage.

In this situation though it’s different as BIL is basically sending you gay porn. I agree with PP, block him and talk to DH.

I think, similar to if you knew he were cheating, you have to tell his wife. Maybe manic, but in that case he needs to be on meds. Immature friends- really?

It sounds like he can't afford to phone Niteflirt. I'd bill him for £2.99 a minute.

Tell your partner. No good will come if keeping it to yourself

I can't believe after the few first messages u didn't ring your husband tbh and be like wtf?? Why did you just let it carry on?

His poor wife- it seems so weird to suddenly talk to you like that out of the blue- be careful.
Make sure you are never alone w him.

THIS.

Absoluetely.

Its is 100% a problem to give students you personal number. More so if they are under 18. (Even if they are over 16).

"I appreciate the safe space" - how very manipulative!

Poor OP! He sounds insane... Definitely tell your sister. What a weird & nasty thing to happen.

You should never give your students your personal phone number. That would be a safeguarding concern.

If his wife is OP's sister she should show her.

Sorry, I missed the ‘explicit’ I think I thought semi naked - whatever, this would be a sex crime - receiving un-solicited sexual images. He could be in a lot of trouble with the law, work, family both immediate and extended. Such bizarre behaviour he must have been intoxicated or having a breakdown.

Difficult to know how to proceed. Maybe ask if he’s ok and see what his response is, but but withholding from DP would be tempting but a mistake due to the sexual nature which could have all sorts of fallout if DP discovered it himself. He’ll probably be outraged but perhaps also concerned for his brother’s mental state. If BIL complains that he has been outed by you, OP, you can say you were concerned as to his welfare as no right-minded person would have done what he did - if he denies that nature of things then you can say you are justifiably outraged that he thought that was ok to do in the first place - intoxication is no defence in the law and unless it was involuntary and his drink was spiked he could be arrested or at least cautioned for what he has done.

I do not buy this at all. If it was just messages, pouring out how he feels confused, that's one thing. Sending explicit pictures? Nah. That's not a confused cry for help.

Yes he was 100% getting a kick out of it IMO.

I would definitely be telling my partner, and probably telling him that you’ve told your partner. Maybe save your partner from having to see all of the texts, not sure anyone would need to see that detail about a family member.

Also are you sure that what he’s sent you is legal? Remember what happened to Hugh Edwards when he was sent illegal images (admittedly in his case he appears to have encouraged them). If the pics have been automatically downloaded to your phone you might have already technically committed an offence. If you have the best thing you can do is to send him a text saying you’ve told your DP and that he must never send you anything of that nature again and that he needs to get help via his GP/ other support services, like mental heath. If you’ve got the slightest suspicion that it’s illegal (i.e underage boys) you need to go to the police.

OP says explicit pictures in her first post

I don’t think he sent porn - it was the type of men he was attracted to

pp Mentioned a manic episode and I wondered this too - sounds almost frenzied and maybe drug/drink fuelled. He may have been mortified this morning and hoping to save face. It’s still far from ok though to involve you in this.

The absolute bare cheek of him! Absolutely do not clear the chat. Show your DH everything. And don’t reply or engage with BIL again.

I would completely believe he was being pranked by immature mates.

Getting someones phone and fake outing them as gay use to be a really common prank about 15 years ago... obviously they wouldn't answer the phone as they aren't him and you would notice.

I'd bet he was on a lads night and passed out drunk or left his phone at someones house etc...

But lets for one second this is truely real (makes no sense though so doubt it) and he was looking for a safe place (why you?). Its never anyones place to out someone else to their family. Just delete, block and don't speak of it again.

Definitely tell your dh. Over sharing with an unwilling participant is not the same as a safe space.

It's not the BILs place to send the OP explicit messages.

At the point he decides to do this, the OP has a right to tell whoever the fuck she likes about how it makes her feel and how inappropriate it is.

He's told himself that you consented to reading/seeing all this ... and he's carefully picked a moment when your partner/husband isn't at home too..

I'd say he's getting off on this, on the turmoil he's caused you and subjecting you to it all, you trying to be kind etc...making you complicit in his secret/lies.

Absolutely, save the messages, tell your partner, tell his wife. I would not let someone use me like that, no fucking way.

It sounds like he was high or pissed but that is absolutely no excuse for being so massively inappropriate and putting you in an incredibly awkward situation.

I'd tell my DP, let him deal with it, then block BIL on everything. Christmas could be awkward though!

You need to take screenshots now because he could clear the chat himself if he wanted to and by thanking you for 'allowing him a safe space' (when you did no such thing), he's making you complicit in it.

@LostittoBostik nobody is claiming his sexuality makes him a pervert... what makes him a pervert is having sent sexually explicit images, unsolicited, to his sister in law then asking her to erase the chat and not tell anyone about it.

I know many gay people, and supported a couple of them while they grappled with their sexuality and coming out. None of them would ever have sent me pornographic images in the context of those situations because most right thinking adults understand that is a gross violation of boundaries