BiL explicit texts - WWYD

Oh the brother knew and is buying time to think about how to talk about this

To be fair if he’s running to a meeting he’s giving an off the cuff response.

Once he sees the whole thread he should get the point.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

Good Lord! @Calmondeck that is not appropriate. He's used you as a dumping ground. I'd be so so angry, and of course would tell my partner and probably his wife.

He's behaved utterly appallingly with no boundaries, and used you inhumanly.

And no way would I clear the chat. What a horrible man - not his fantasies, but dumping them on you without your consent.

I would tell her in person so he doesn’t spin a yarn. He may tell her that you were involved or you tried it on and he tried to put you off by saying he’s gay. Sounds ridiculous but ask anyone who was betrayed by a spouse and the lies are often incredible. I would not mention I am telling sil to bil. Just like he didn’t mention his sexual basement to her.

Id ask to meet her and show her the messages. Yep I may lose her friendship forever but I will not become a liar for cheat (even by omission). I have to live with me every day of my life. I believe cheating is abuse and I would let her know I’ll be there for her whatever she decides. If she is okay with it, then fair enough nothing lost. If she falls apart I would be there for her. But I would have to tell her.

His message this morning suggests she knows nothing about it, it was very calm and collected. He may be doing this to more people than just you!

Is there a chance he's getting off on telling you? That'd be my bet. Getting off on the risk of telling you and putting that thought in your mind.

These.

Who on earth does he think he is or you?
Bloody cheek of him.

Who cares if there’s a lot about your BIL you didn’t know, your DP didn’t think it was too much of an issue that his brother was sexually harassing you??

Yes she does need to know. But personally I would get DH to get BIL to come clean himself otherwise you will tell her for her own safety.

Whose place is it then?! Always interested to know how an innocent party has to continue living a life with someone when they have no idea of their true colours - while close family do? To what end?

Read ‘secret sexual basement’ by Minwalla. Your Bil no doubt has a secret basement. Having sex with others puts your sil sexual health at risk.

I would tell her. Your bil has put you in a crap position and my loyalty wouldn’t lie with a man who sends unsolicited sexual images to me to help fill his basement. If you don’t tell her she may eventually ask if you knew. At that point you either lie or tell her you knew. Personally I couldn’t lie for a cheat.

uploads-ssl.webflow.com/61708b185d7d724acc2096da/61a5399eb4455c2a32f84d60_The_Secret_Sexual_Basement_Nov_2021.pdf

To be honest I wouldn't be keeping his counsel and would be telling DH AND his wife. She deserves to know who she is married to.
Four times a year he thinks? He sounds like he's prone to risky behaviour and it would be very easy to put her health at risk.

One and a half hours of texting you his fantasies isn't someone grappling with their sexuality. He was aggressively inflicting them on you and getting off to it.

Did you not actually understand her explanation about this? Why do you think she should have prioritised engaging with a rambling sender of gay porn over what she was doing?

I despair!

You are not a 'safe space' for him to get off on recanting his sexual experiences and deepest sexual fantasies.

He's not having a breakdown, his message in the morning has made that completely clear. He doesn't even seem to see the problem with what he's done. It's completely grim behaviour taking advantage of the fact a women will listen and 'be kind'. What a vile, vile man.

Please let his wife know about his disgusting behaviour, she deserves to know what she's married to. Your partner's response to the situation is also disturbing.

I would block him.
But then I would have cut the conversation off much earlier and certainly at the point where the explicit pictures were sent.

Hes a pervert and demented. Tell your other half and tell the perverts wife, keep the evidence.

I wouldn't get involved at all, just forward everything to your DH and say 'can you check on your brother, I think he's having a crisis or his phone has been stolen or something'.

Ask him A question that only BIL would know. Suspect so.ebody has his phone

I went through something similar with BIL - however his secret was drug use not other men.

im sorry you’re in such a shit place

I can’t stand my BIL now!

The gay aspect of it is by the by. It's about as appropriate as your DH texing his brothers wife with a deluge of sexual content, and then thanking her for the safe space.

It's absolute fuckery and if your DH can't see this then you have a bigger problem than your BIL.

He was rather put on the spot and didn't have time to talk much. He'll have more to say later when he's mulled it over a bit.

High on drugs? I expect that was a bit of a shock too but would explain why he sent to you, and his conciliatory post the next day. Do BIL and SIL have any children?

"DBIL, I have no idea what was going through your mind sending that but I am not a 'safe space' for any of this content. I am assuming that your well-being is compromised. For my own well-being, I'll be blocking you now."

I think he's testing the boundaries- and seeing if he can compromise you with your DP by essentially lying by omission.

If you agree to delete and not tell, I think there will be an escalation next time.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”

How absolutely DARE he😡🤬 minimising* this and calling you a safe space... "kindly clear the chat" *My Arse! I'd be screenshotting it so he can't delete it.

This. Id be very worried if my Dp couldn’t see that the issue is his brother’s behaviour here , not his sexual fantasies. Trying to involve other non consenting adults in your kinks is a form of abuse.

It sounds like theres a lot you don’t know about your PARTNER.

In the meantime, screen shot all the texts and block your BIL on all platforms. You and your DP need to have a serious chat about YOUR feelings, not his brothers sex life, which is none of his bunsiness.

I thought it was a crime to send unsolicited porn?