Husband and female colleague

Again you are talking about YOUR relationship with YOUR Dp and YOUR friends.
A good percentage of the posters on MN believe there can be good friendships between male and females. However most of these posters acknowledge that sometimes a certain relationship between a partner and their opposite sex friend appears to be crossing boundaries. That something doesn't feel right about the friendship.
Your go to position seems to be that every male / female friendship is just that. That there never ever could be a friendship that crosses into emotional or physical affair territory. So either you are extremely naive or you are just posting your "stupid to worry " mantra for the purpose of undermining OP.
it's OP's relationship. She knows her DH and she knows when there is cause for concern. Why can't you respect that?

I remember that thread too. It was a few days after I'd been to see Challengers at the cinema with a male friend, but not DP nor his girlfriend. Was very surprised to learn we were having an affair.

All these things are such normal activities. I sometimes think MNers don't have much experience of friendship or the workplace.

Could you work out how many times they had actually met up? I bet it’s more than 2-3.

Edited to say you’ve already answered my question sorry!

@gannett, I occasionally feel it’s only you and me on here who have normal ideas about male/female friendships in the context of marriage. I have absolutely gone to London and NYC with male colleague-friends, gone for meals, to museums, to beauty spots, away for the odd weekend. I’ve never gone shopping with anyone, as I hate shopping. I’m happily married to a man with good female friends.

I still cherish the memory of a thread where several posters asserted that going to the cinema with a male friend was inappropriate because the cinema was ‘date territory’.

I agree with a pp about couple behaviour. Generally when people act like a couple it’s because they are. Did the drinks and shopping occur before or after her tearful declaration about missing him? He was comfortable doing this with colleagues around who must have raised their eyebrows at their cosy shopping trip. We all know he wouldn’t be trailing round the shops with Trevor. What did she buy?

It will be helpful for you to create a timeline. Because at some point he made the conscious decision to conceal the relationship. As many of us know, this will be the point where their friendship changed into something inappropriate that needed to be kept hidden.

I think you’re going to get what’s known as trickle truth. The gradual revealing of more and more information. If anything further is revealed to you, you should suggest getting colleague and her husband on a call in that very moment to get to the bottom of it. I don’t think he will want to explain to another man how he thought it was appropriate to take someone else’s wife to secluded nature spots and keep that information from his own wife.

His reaction to that suggestion will tell you an awful lot.

Yes it reminded me of the £20,000 ( or similar huge amount) necklace thread where the OP's DH took his mistress to a spa and then went on a shopping trip with her.
I'm not saying the situation is the same but going shopping together is such a " couple" thing to do and implies a real closeness. And OP's DH must have known this otherwise he wouldn't have kept it secret from his DW.

in London last year with some colleague that’s the two of them spent some time together, had drinks and went shopping together

Oof. That sounds like he was dating her, or trying to. (Whatever the spiky Gannett poster seems to think)

You are talking about what is normal in your relationship.

If OP feels this is not normal behaviour in her relationship she has every right to talk to her DH and voice her concerns. And talk about boundaries with him
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She has every right to be concerned about her DH's interaction with a female colleague who is looking to him for emotional support. And to be concerned about him meeting up in with her in social situations in secret. Just because this would be acceptable in your relationship doesn't mean it's acceptable in hers.

It's also what friends do. I've done all of those things hundreds of times with many friends, male and female, with no romantic motives on either side.

what exactly is your point? This thread is not about you and your friends.

Also like hell would I ever let DP look through my work Teams. Or even my personal messages. Any early sign that he'd even think that a reasonable thing to ask and I've have dumped him pronto.

The fact this woman cried when your husband moved to a different department, is not only weird but a red flag. Your husband told you about this incident. Did he comment on if he thought it was strange or just accepted it as normal behaviour? It's not normal behaviour!! It certainly looks as if this woman has an emotional attachment to your husband. If this woman was attaching herself emotionally to your husband, would he recognise that fact?! I ask because some men are clueless on how manipulative a woman can be. I think us women are far more intuitive than men. It's possible, he could only be only trying to support her. It may not have entered his head, that she might be wanting more. Of course the flip side is that he is perfectly aware he's being the knight in shining armour, and is revealing in it and is attracted to her.

It's also what friends do. I've done all of those things hundreds of times with many friends, male and female, with no romantic motives on either side.

Secrecy is no ideal but as far as I can tell he hasn't lied about anything. I don't tell DP the details of who I spend my working days with and which colleagues I talk to, and I don't expect him to tell me. And I certainly don't expect either of us to have a say in it unless it actually crosses a line, which this hasn't.

“He said she was going through a rough time and he was providing some emotional support- that they are both married with kids so nothing would happen and he didn;t mention anything as he knew how I may react!”

This 👆 is textbook. Whether is on both sides or just one, lines are being crossed here. You are right to object. Now you need to watch.

He said when he was in London last year with some colleague that’s the two of them spent some time together, had drinks and went shopping together but that’s all

He has developed quite a relationship with her on the quiet hasn't he. A few days ago you knew nothing of this and still wouldn’t if you hadn’t seen her message.

Your husband has used lies by omission to conceal this relationship from you. I think you are getting a very watered down version of their relationship and just how much time they’ve spent together. Did you have access to any other apps he might have used to communicate with her? My ex husband used to message his affair partner on EBay. He also used to take her out for lunch and offer “ emotional support “ as she had problems.

Ask him if they hug.

They spent time together, went for drinks and went shopping together: that's what couples do. And that's as well as meeting up to visit a beauty spot. All done in secret so that OP was deliberately kept in the dark and the colleague's DH wasn't told either.
How can you say that us appropriate behaviour? OP had every right to be concerned and to talk to her DH.

I said this earlier in the thread but going for a walk with a colleague is not basically a date. It's not nearly a date. It's nowhere near a date.

gannett

They basically went on a date.

He let me look through his teams and after they last met up and went to a local beauty spot she messaged him to say “thanks it was just what I needed” I told him I didn’t think that was appropriate and that needed to stop!

What on earth is inappropriate about that? I must have said "thanks, needed that!" or similar to colleagues so many times after everything from professional advice to a good meal out after a long working day.

I have to say I'd have hit the roof if DP had given me the ultimatums you gave your husband and I would not be complying.

Good point.

Your DH needs to wake up now, before he gets to the final stage of two marriages breaking up. Although it might be painful for him he needs to back right off and let her other friends help her through her rough patch.

He knows there is something inappropriate. That why else would he hide it from you?

I have male friends and dh has female friends, we both meet our respective friends for coffee/lunch BUT never keep.it a secret, that's the issue here for me. If there is nothing in it, why didn't he mention it? Saying 'I knew you'd react this way' is a cop out, I'd 100% rather have a difficult conversation with DH than be kept in the dark. He needs to see you perspective here, particularly if you are not usually the jealous/insecure type

Have you met her OP? If not I suggest you do, I would want to meet someone my husband was providing emotional support to and see what their behaviour is like together.

My ex partner did something similar but with a school mum. Our children played together and he'd take our children over for playdates and to soft plays. I was pleased he had made a friend and thought she was fun and friendly. I started getting a 'funny feeling' after a few months. Something had changed..Then discovered they'd meet up alone during the day when I was at work. I begged him to tell me if something was going on. He said it was all in my head and they were just friends and liked chatting to each other. Of course they weren't just friends. A few weeks later I found out they had been sleeping together but 'never in a million years" meant to hurt me. Well, it did. But it had all started with an emotional connection. That' feeling' some people call it 'spidey sense' is usually right. Nip it in the bud and ask the colleague and husband over for dinner. You'd be able to tell a lot from his reaction to that suggestion. Mine didn't confess until I had pure evidence. Even then he tried to lie. This was 4 months ago.