Husband and female colleague

I would not invite her and her husband round. They’re not going to be inappropriate in front of you and many men actively encourage their wives to be unwitting friends with the ow. All part of the drama and excitement.

You are dealing with a year long secret “friendship”. I would independently verify what the nature of that friendship actually is. Don’t listen to posters like Gannet who pretend they don’t know the difference between appropriate relationships with colleagues and sneaky secret friendships.

THIS.

@socialdilemmawhattodo yep - I'm with you on all that - people can be friends but any intelligent woman will pick up a vibe when a friend thing doesn't quite sit right with them and feels more than that - and for me keeping it secret, one on one shopping , cafes and nature walks and tears on teams meetings smack of far too much 'closeness' that isn't just professional - it's not that you can't have friendships, it's that one on one meet-ups and close friendships aren't a great idea if there's also an attraction and they are in other relationships- I'm
Pretty sure plenty on here who have had affairs or been on the receiving end will recognise that this is how many start

maybe ask the coworker and her husband over for a drink one night so you can see how they interact. Getting to know her may make her realise that he’s not her husband and she backs off

An excellent idea on the face of it, @Welshmonster, but best not to assume it would make her "back off"

With the one who targeted ny exH, she used the opportunity to suggest - in front of me - that they spend a week together at her holiday flat under the guise of developing a new business idea she'd had, but which had hitherto gone unmentioned

Apologies @Lovetoread2024 OP - I've read the thread later than most posters but clearly I felt I had a lot to say.

Yes, but not Colin/Trevor/etc, aged mid 50's, from Accounts, with relationship issues. The "bros" all tend to be much younger, similar backgrounds, start of career, or with major influencing in the industry. Absolutely not the same scenario. I am now starting to wonder if your posting frequency on this thread is in indirect proportion to your intelligence on this matter. That the OP's DH is clearly on the brink of an emotional affair.

I've worked in professional workplaces for decades. Nearly 40 years in fact. I have never once walked in a local park with a colleague. Yes plenty of pub visits and nightclubs. Even occasional coffee shops/cafes. I do agree with you about perceptions. That can be damaging to women. But then that is good old fashioned misogyny at play.

I am going to say that I think female friendships with male colleagues are different to male friendships with female colleagues. For many of the reasons given up thread. You (female) might be great at boundaries. I am. I've always had great friendships with male colleagues. Because the messaging from me is that it is friendship only (and also many of them are gay!). I'm not sure the messaging in reverse is quite so clear, and that is the issue here. And the subject of many a thread on this site.

Yes platonic friendships great, but that's not the same as mentionitus. That is a very different deal.

So friend meet might be: I'm seeing Jenny next Thurs. Be home late. You: great - send her my love (despite the fact you dont really like Jenny, dont mind at all not meeting up).

Whereas mentionitus is much more subtle: We were talking about the DC issue at school. Jenny said she had similar and she's recommended a book. I might look into that. She's recommended a parenting course. I'll look into that. [You unspoken: oh I didnt know Jenny (who is she?) had kids. Parenting course - suggested that several times no interest. Why now?]

Just coming on here to talk about Colin, age 50, from Accounts. (I'm an accountant so I KNOW how interesting both Colin and Trevor really are!)

But seriously OP, dreadfully sorry, this is not good. That emotional connection means he is taking time away from your relationship. Highly likely to escalate. A firm word is needed. He "may" not be aware, or highly likely he is conscious of an attraction to his colleague. She definitely playing an emotional card. But he is an adult. So all you can do is flag very strongly in that all reality this is not OK. After all she is not a long standing friend from childhood, uni, prior work. She's the new-ish colleague. Who will have her own network of support. What's mentionitus like?

Ask him to arrange a lunch time walk with you if you work near each other or book time out of office to have lunch together.

maybe ask the coworker and her husband over for a drink one night so you can see how they interact. Getting to know her may make her realise that he’s not her husband and she backs off

I hope your husband pays attention to everything you've said to him about this @Lovetoread2024

It's the secrecy, not to mention the flirty messages, which would upset me.

Are you still having sex?

Sorry you're in this position OP. I'm glad that you've trusted your instincts and made your boundaries clear 👌 Fingers crossed your husband gets his act together now. Still be very vigilant, obviously, but hope for the best he creates distance from her and that this is something you'll be able to put behind you in time.

If I met a colleague for lunch, it would be to the closest place which served the best / quickest meal. Strange that they are putting so much effort into going to ‘special’ places.

The secrecy would bother me too.
And yep, it’s never 57 year old Sharon in accounts who needs so much emotional support

This was exactly me and my colleague. That's why it's different, and that's why I know.

That's a fair point, @gannett, and of course I've known countless male friendships in the workplace, but IME they don't tend to involve these little private huddles, tears about missing the friend, secretive lunches just for two and so on

They're also the kind of thing where the friends feel free to mention that they caught up with such-and-such today, but for whatever reason these two ... haven't

@BrunetteHarpy yep I get that too- but the vast amount it seems from people's posts on here are colleagues or their ' best friend' getting jiggly with their partner - as colleagues give you way more opportunity day to day - and hence why people are wary when something seems 'out of the norm'

I do agree you can't keep people locked up but i certainly think if you are in a long term relationship and have entangled homes, lives, kids etc you can point out if something is making you feel unhappy and insecure- I know for a fact if I started going shopping one to one with one of our male colleagues or one on one lunches with the same person again and again or walks round beauty spots my H certainly would be asking me what was going on.

What we're saying is that there's no evidence that they actually fancy each other. OP has provided some extremely innocuous stuff as "evidence", along with the omnipresent "spidey senses" that are the first recourse of controlling partners, and has responded with some outrageous demands on her husband's professional life that I personally wouldn't stand for a minute.

And it’s happening with OP’s H, which is why she’s trying to nip it in the bud and stop all of his extra-curricular activities with OW.

I do get that. But it’s simply not possible to prevent your spouse having an affair, unless you keep them locked up, or they lead a life in which they literally have no contact at all with anyone of the opposite sexual (or the same sex, if they’re bi or gay). The affairs I’ve known about in the last decade or so among people I know involved

a dad encountering the mum of another teenager at his son’s school, because they were both on a WhatsApp group for kids who needed extra support. I think they first set eyes on one another at a parents’ evening.

a teacher in the local school leaving his wife for their married childminder

a friend who ran a food business with his wife, was offered a three-week teaching stint abroad at a time when the business was haemorrhaging money, fell in love with someone he bumped into in a doorway at the overseas training centre — she didn’t even work there, she was making a delivery.

Just random connections. Deliveries, childminding, children with SN support groups. These things happen.

@BrunetteHarpy yep, My H had all that too- as do I - until the one situation/person that clearly wasn't the same- there clearly was stuff going down that wasn't how they normally worked- it may well be OP is in that position and that's why her senses are up- - not all of us are anti male /female friendships- but we are very aware of ones that just feel 'off' -

Yes of course it's perfectly possible but not for those THESE TWO PEOPLE who fancy each other. What's so hard to grasp?

I’m suggesting merely that it’s perfectly possible for men and women to have uncomplicated work friendships, and that viewing these as inevitable nascent affairs is reductive. I’m suggesting that many posters on here have a very skewed, insecure attitude to all friendships, and quite often struggle with relating to others. I offered my own experience, which has included nearly three decades entirely non-sexual friendships with male colleagues that have involved lunches or getting fresh air offsite at lunch, or a drink after work, just as with women colleagues.

But the OP is the only one who can pronounce on her specific situation, obviously. If DH had had lunch somewhere with a female colleague, I’d just be asking whether the food had been good at X’s.

@BrunetteHarpy unfortunately you seem to be missing the fact that many mumsnetters have life experience of relationships where Judy his casual friend from HR or a client suddenly ended up being Judy the affair partner -

I appreciate that it's unfortunate it tends to taint your view somewhat of opposite sex workplace friendships and clients, but that's sadly what life does, experience of something awful makes you more wary - I suspect you are lucky and have never been in this position