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Original poster

Husband and female colleague

279 replies

Lovetoread2024 · 20/11/2024 11:59

I am worried about my husbands close friendship with a female colleague and just looking for some perspective.

We have been married 10 years and have a daughter (6) We generally have a good relationship and all get on well.

A new woman started at husbands work about a year ago, they worked very closely together and would occasionally text but he has always been open about the texts, nothing secretive etc. She also is married with children and he says they have bonded over having kids a similar age.

I want him to have good relationships with colleagues but more recently I have been concerned about the nature of their relationship. He took a new role (same company just a different team) but they had a catch up and she got tearful saying she missed him. He told me about it and I thought that was a little odd, I said it sounds like more of an emotional connection than is perhaps healthy and perhaps he should back off.

Anyway turns out they have been meeting for one on one lunches out of the office during work time. I only found out about this as I saw a message on his Teams that popped up saying she was looking forward to seeing him. I asked him about this saying why have you been doing this and why keep it secret if you didn't think it was anything wrong? I said I didn't feel comfortable with him spending time out of the office, going on walks etc just the two of them as this feels like more of a date! I asked how many times had they done this and he said 2 or 3!

He said she was going through a rough time and he was providing some emotional support- that they are both married with kids so nothing would happen and he didn;t mention anything as he knew how I may react!

I am angry and told him I didn't want hi going for one on one 'dates' anymore out of the office. I said hanging out as a group/with others over lunch to catch up is fine (they work in the same place so not realistic to never see each other) but this was clearly becoming something more than colleagues/friends!

Am I being unreasonable/jealous?

OP posts:
Parapaderapa · 20/11/2024 12:18

I used to go out for coffee/lunch with a male colleague 3/4 times a week, often drinks after work. We became good friends, still keep in contact, went to each other’s weddings, have been on holiday together. Never has there been any attraction from either side. There’s been a few male colleagues I’ve done this with over the years (not many women in my line of work!). It’s never been an issue for me and my husband has never been bothered by it. But, this is usual for me to have male friends, if your husband is one of those types who doesn’t have female friends and possibly only see women as a potential romantic interest then this might not be the same for your situation.

Original poster
Lovetoread2024 · 20/11/2024 12:15

Thanks one of the things that has got to me is that we rarely go on dates just the two of us as we are always balancing work/time with daughter! So he finds the time to spend time with her but not me!

OP posts:
Nogaxeh · 20/11/2024 12:10

I think it can be a natural progression for a relationship for colleagues to become friends, to become close friends, to understand each other in ways that no-one else does, to provide emotional support that they're not getting anywhere else and then to consummate that emotional bond with physical intimacy.

The progression at each stage is not inevitable, but neither is it unlikely.

I think it's okay to be jealous in this situation and to act to set boundaries to protect your marriage, and to hold your husband to his promise that by marrying you he would be putting your needs ahead of others.

LyingPaintSample · 20/11/2024 12:08

One of my friends H did exactly this and he was 100% interested in the other woman.
It's a well trodden dynamic, the selfless work friend painting himself as a hero and emotional crutch to her but of course "nothing more".... Ugh. It creeps, it ramps up. He's "doing nothing wrong"... But if being a "good friend" makes you a worse husband... No He sees her as an obtainable fuck. She's probably encouraging it as well. Getting an ego boost. I'd be interested to see their communications, minus deletions.

For balance I have also got a female friend who, in my opinion, puts way too much emphasis on her closest bestest male buddy at work, but her husband doesnt seem to gaf so why should I.

The excitement probably makes their working day go a bit faster. In my opinion, if you've got to the stage of telling him what he can't do because his own boundaries are so shit, then you're wasting your time only to receive secrecy and disrespect.