Husband and female colleague

I generally think these threads veer too heavily towards the inevitably of an emotional or physical affair. Sometimes it's just a friendship.

However, this kind of sentence also always makes me laugh:

Never has there been any attraction from either side

How on earth do you know that? He may be deeply attracted to you! I've read lots of stories on here where long-standing male friends eventually reveal their desires after many years of "purely platonic" friendship. You just don't know!

@Lovetoread2024 how did things work out? Hope you are doing ok x

Hey OP, how are you? How did things work out for you?

Don’t stress love, I get what you meant.
Have a lovely Mother’s Day 💐

I read an article about infidelity - think I’ve posted on MN before about it - but it said that when asked, the majority of men would prefer their OH to have an emotional affair, and women would prefer theirs to have a physical one. I expect it all boiled down to the fear of inadequacy men feel when comparing themselves sexually to another man, and women (altho not wanting their partner to shag another person) realising that EF’s mean an emotional bond that is a lot harder to suppress and cut off than just physical gratification.

The men surveyed obv weren’t bothered about their partners pining for the other person, or caring about them deeply on an emotional level. As long as they weren’t thinking the other guy was better in bed/had a bigger cock, all good presumably 🙄

@Lovetoread2024 I do know exactly how you feel. My H for quite a period of time ( maybe18 months) was writing poems and songs ( and recording himself singing them too) about someone who worked with us and whom he had been on lots of work trips with as an assistant - he hid them all and I found them accidentally 10 years later-she was21 at time- he was 41. A ton of mills and boon type slush and all about feeling ‘trapped’ and her being a ‘ray of light’ - he said it was just a one sided crush but I won’t ever really know. very hard to get past that although i have stayed as it was a long time ago ( 20 years ago now) - I would definitely have found a one off drunken shag easier to cope with mentally

I would rather my husband had an affair than paid a vulnerable woman to have sex. There would be NO coming back from that.

Sorry to kick you when you are down, but a man who preys on/pays a woman is not getting unconditional consent. That's what prostitution is. This is a forum for women and we should NEVER advocate this.

@Lovetoread2024 I could have written your post and subsequent updates almost word for word as this has been my relationship for the last 18 months.

We’ve been together 24 years and have 2 late teens. Like you, nothing physical has (apparently) happened and I have ‘absolutely nothing to worry about’ but for me I think it’s the deep connection they seem to have. She has stopped it for now and blocked him as she apparently doesn’t think it’s a good idea but who knows what goes on at work or through some other form of communication I’ve not found 🤦‍♀️.

I’m not willing to give up yet, probably more fool me, as I want my family together, but my trust and confidence in myself has been pretty bashed. I think one of the biggest kicks in the teeth I’ve had recently is finding out that the lovely dog that we got a year ago to help try and get us out more together etc was partly her idea as ‘she thought it would help’. So not only do I feel she (together obviously with him) is instrumental in our current issues, she’s somehow trying to be our counsellor too - it would be bloody hilarious if it wasn’t so ironic 😂

Sending much strength and solidarity to you.

When he wrote ‘missing you’ on her day off. Thats not something he would have text Malcolm or Jean is it? Or even his mother. That sentence in itself is so grossly inappropriate - has he tried defending or explaining it to you? How could he possibly justify sending it to ‘just a’ work colleague?

Clearly they are using each other as escapism and a ‘safe non-affair’. They are doing everything but sexual activity (it’s implied) so they can have the ‘moral’ high ground of saying they haven’t kissed and aren’t sleeping together. It allows them to look their families in the eye and sleep at night. But take out that element and this is exactly what an early relationship looks like with the intimacy and interest in each other lives and well-being shown. How could he say this wasn’t a ‘special’ relationship if he doesn’t treat ANY of his other friends or work colleagues this way? It’s delusional.

@Lovetoread2024, I was just reading through the thread again and am still appalled at their inappropriate ‘coupley’ behavior. The walks, beauty spots, lunches, mutual confiding and emotional support, thinking of you, missing you, looking forward to 1:1, enjoyed 1:1, flirting, compliments, gifs, providing/discussing films and books, chats about everyday life, etc.

Her comment after an outing, ‘Thank you, that was just what I needed’ is significant, as it shows his commitment to pleasing her. Of course there has been much in-person interaction at work that you aren’t privy to.

He was confident that he could carry on with OW with no real repercussions, that you wouldn’t actually take any effective action. He is now pleading ‘I’ll cut contact with her’, but it’s too late. A truly remorseful man would have cut her off in November. It sounds like he still hasn’t done so…

Aren’t they his kids too? Shouldn’t he just drove over and collect them for the school run? He’s still a dad!

Stick to your guns

So he wants another chance to ‘keep your marriage going’? He chose to blow his second chance and can’t be trusted with another.

@Lovetoread2024, he duped you with
lip-service when you set boundaries last year. He then proceeded to disregard your feelings and your agreement, while continuing to invest his emotional energy into their relationship. He was boosting OW and lapping up her validation while diminishing you, his Wife.

In my view, you’d be very foolish to give him a third chance.

What a kick in the teeth to be relegated to second best while she gets the dates and book talk. Well done for taking action.

That’s the big problem isn’t it from your update. How do you get the trust back?
You had already said you were uncomfortable about it all previously and he didn’t knock it all on the head.

He obviously had/has an emotional connection to her. You’ve again discovered their ongoing messaging and it’s now come to a big point of issue.

Realistically there’s only two choices. You either try and work through it all with counselling and hope to get back on track with no further issues going forward.
Or you don’t.

It’s all down to trust. He has to demonstrate very boldly that you can trust him going forward and earn your trust again and you will need to trust in him. But there’s going to be a period of time that is extremely difficult and uncomfortable to navigate. Sadly you can’t change the past. But you can work on the present and future.

I agree that him going to his mum without trying to fix things is quite telling of how important she is to him

I think I would be inclined to give the "colleague" a call and tell her to keep away from my husband. I'd probably follow that up with a call to her husband. Your husband is responsible for his behaviour but she has encouraged it. I'd probably call his mother too about the matter. You can probably guess I'm not Anglo Saxon here but the colleague (and your husband) has happily lobbed a bombshell into your life and I think you should return the favour

I work closely with lots of men. I can't imagine going on cosy lunch dates and to local beauty spots with any of them or having some out of hours communication about a personal matter. I have never messaged a male colleague about a non-work related matter. This is because I have professional standards and boundaries.

I'd be working out how much I could extract from my straying husband as well. Lust can vanish at the prospect of sharing matrimonial property and solo childcare - be sure to get everything you can lay your hands on. The colleague may well not have any intentions of leaving her husband and that really does leave your husband in a bedsit or living with his mum - not instant women magnets it has to be said.

I can't believe he didn't just tell you that he would call her up infront of you to tell her that he no longer wants any contact with her because it's threatening his marriage. I mean him just going to his mum without trying to fix things is quite telling of how important she is to him. Would love to know how the other husband feels about this.

I'd not be letting him back op.

@Lovetoread2024, how are things going for you?

Your H has brought another woman into your marriage. After discovering that he had been secretly going on lunch and nature-spot dates with OW, you drew a line and stated your requirements. You gave him the opportunity to prioritize your marriage and protect his fidelity. What did he do? He stayed in a buzzy bubble with her, continued building their connection, and confided about his family issues. He engineered ways to stay connected via books and movies, and even their mundane life chat deepened their over-familiarity. His callous disregard and devaluation of you was massive, so you were wise to show him the door.

Is he still staying elsewhere?

Yes but Trevor or Dave dont flirt with them on Teams or message them saying "thinking of you". Because they are mates.

Thats how we know that they are not just mates. I have male mates, and the reason we are mates is because we dont flirt, there is no "other" to it.

Yes! The men I know spend a lot of time texting, going for lunch or getting drunk with Trevor from Accounts or Dave the Project Manager because they are their mates!

Bollocks - it's just no-one would ever post on Mumsnet about that.